


Even If You Cannot Hear My Voice

by Superhiro



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon-Typical Violence, DGHDA Big Bang and Beginner Bang 2018, Dirk and Todd being willing to do anything to save each other, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mutual Pining, Project Blackwing (Dirk Gently), Protectiveness, Slow Burn, Temporary Character Death, there's a lot of angst here but there's also quite a bit of fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-20
Updated: 2018-08-20
Packaged: 2019-06-30 00:19:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 62,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15740256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Superhiro/pseuds/Superhiro
Summary: Truly, Dirk had been wholly prepared to avoid death until he was on a hospital bed at age ninety and it was the only logical place for the universe to guide him next. That sounded like a rather nice option; the almost pleasant sort of conclusion everyone silently prayed they would get.Fate, it seemed, had other plans for him.Dying for someone else was different than ordinary dying. It was meaningful – a necessity even, if the person threatened was worth enough to you.And no one in the world meant more to Dirk Gently than Todd Brotzman.--Dirk is a magnet for dangerous activity; this has always been the sad, unfortunate truth of his universe-controlled life. As a result, he must always be prepared for the bizarre, and often life-threatening situations that actively await him day in and out. What he never prepared for, however, is the sudden arrival of a group led by an Ex-Blackwing employee seeking to lure him in using any means necessary. In order to save what he holds most dear, Dirk must be willing to sacrifice everything. Thus, leaving Todd to deal with the bitter aftermath, and once more desperately search for a way to fix everything.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> IT'S FINALLY HERE! 
> 
> I've been working away at this for over four months now, and I'm so excited to finally share it with everyone! I poured my soul into this fanfiction, and it is easily the longest thing I've ever written. I hope you all enjoy reading this emotional roller coaster as much as I enjoyed writing it!
> 
> Firstly, I'd like to thank Cecilia ([yogurtpo3](http://yogurtpo3.tumblr.com)) for the lovely art she did for this fic! You can see it all [HERE](http://yogurtpo3.tumblr.com/post/177189908373/heres-my-contribution-for-dghdabigbang-2018-i), and her pieces will also be linked throughout the story at the relevant points. I'd also like to thank her for all the lovely comments and support I received from her as she became the very first person to read my fic! It was very much appreciated!
> 
> Secondly, special shoutouts to [Ponnie](http://powerovernothing.tumblr.com), who I constantly yelled at throughout this process and was always there to listen and encourage me, [Anna](http://kieren-fucking-walker.tumblr.com), who was the first person to express excitement about my fic and offered lots of support along the way, [Linda](http://melekseev.tumblr.com) who is ever supportive and amazing, and anyone else who helped me throughout this whole, crazy process! I'd also like to give a giant thank you to [dont-offend-the-bees](http://dont-offend-the-bees.tumblr.com) for organizing the DGHDA Big Bang! It was a joy to participate!
> 
> The title for this fic is lyrics from the song Run by Snow Patrol, which practically became the theme song of this whole story, so if you haven't heard it, give it a listen! All the chapters were also named after other songs that inspired me, and I will include the titles and artist for each in the notes for them!
> 
> Thank you for clicking, and happy reading! <3

It’s easy to say – theoretically – that you would die for someone. In practice, the whole affair is much more complicated.

Life is a terribly fickle and finite thing. Each person gets just a single paltry shot at it and to screw that up is to kiss goodbye to everything you know and love, and to lose yourself for an eternity to some unknown space. Death is permanent, a state that cannot be undone. Once you draw in your last breath, there will be no more chances. Maybe there will be nothing at all.

Dirk Gently had no interest whatsoever in dying. However, following the flow of the universe was a treacherous game he couldn’t pull himself out of playing, and consequently, dangerous situations were the unfortunate norm. If he were to develop a paranormal disease resulting in the mysterious growth of three extra hands – which would be far from the strangest thing he’d seen – it would still not be enough to count the number of near-death experiences he’d been through in the past few years alone. And it was only natural he _despised_ each and every one of them. Even if he may _sometimes_ put on a brave face, he had never once been prepared to face what might be his death.

He wasn’t scared of death per se, but the notion was certainly unpleasant. There were too many variables and unanswered questions about what – if anything – would come after to make many comfortable with it. He wouldn’t be surprised if there was _something_ following his demise, considering how the universe controlled him in a rather mystical way and led him to stumble across various fantastical beings. Only, what exactly that could be, he’d never really stopped to speculate on.

It had just never seemed important.

What Dirk _was_ scared of was the actual dying part of death. Inevitably it would hurt, he’d be an idiot not to realize that. And the idea of being torn away from everything that made him happy was even more terrifying. He couldn’t bear the thought of such a definitive end to all the things he had hoped to achieve, the places he wanted to go, the people he needed to—

_Shit._

Truly, Dirk had been wholly prepared to avoid death until he was on a hospital bed at age ninety and it was the only logical place for the universe to guide him next. That sounded like a rather nice option; the almost pleasant sort of conclusion everyone silently prayed they would get.

Fate, it seemed, had other plans for him.

Dying for someone else was different than ordinary dying. It was meaningful – a necessity even, if the person threatened was worth enough to you.

And no one in the world meant more to Dirk Gently than Todd Brotzman.

Dirk didn’t want to die. The very idea of it made his legs shake so brutally that moving towards the agreed upon destination – an oh-so-very-clichéd abandoned warehouse – was nearly impossible.

But for Todd?

For Todd, he would fight against the fear that clutched at his heart.

For Todd, he would defy the will of the universe, urging him to turn away while he still had the chance.

For Todd, he would give up everything, including his life.

It was the least he could do, really, considering it was his fault Todd had been endangered to begin with.

He took a careful breath, holding back tears and praying for Todd to forgive him as he pulled open the warehouse door and hesitantly stepped towards his enemies.

And thus began the chaos that would bring about his final moments.

\--

 


	2. At the End of the Day, I'm Helpless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title comes from Someone to Stay by Vancouver Sleep Clinic, which is one of my all-time favourite Brotzly songs!

**August 5  
Ten Days Earlier…**

Days spent working at _Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency_ could go a wide variety of ways. They could be busy, spent split between meetings with clients and doing research when the universe wasn’t offering any clues. They could be spent largely outside the office, with the trio chasing around leads and only returning as it grew late so they could write down all their clues and connect things on boards like _real-life detectives_ did. They could be calm, when the agency was simply a place to hang out as they all sat on the couches and discussed the latest case they had solved or have those wonderful, random conversations _actual friends_ had with each other.

And sometimes, they could be days like this one. Days where a case had been recently solved, but not recently enough that they were still babbling about it and enjoying their much needed time off. No, these were the days Dirk considered _boring_. The ones where he was starting to get antsy from having no casework and would take hour-long lunch breaks wandering around the streets of Seattle hoping the universe would tug him in a certain direction so they could do something helpful and exhilarating again.

Todd didn’t seem to mind these days as much, simply content to not be in any sort of trouble. Not that they _always_ got into trouble. Well, okay, maybe they did, though it wasn’t always the perilous, people-could-die sort of trouble, which was enough for Dirk to look forward to the next big thing. And Todd _did_ love the cases, Dirk knew it. He could never quite manage to hide the way his eyes lit up nearly every time Dirk announced they had something new to chase after. And when Todd really showed this enthusiasm and investment in cases, Dirk was beyond thrilled.

This particular day, however, even Todd appeared beyond bored, opting to come on Dirk’s lunch walk with him and perking up every time Dirk sharply turned in any direction, asking if it was the universe giving him a sign. It never was, to their mutual disappointment.

Eventually, they were left sitting back at their desks, debating various topics while propelling a paper airplane – the fifth model, after the first four had been crumpled by bad throws – back and forth between them.

“Todd, you have been horribly wrong on many occasions before, but this is a whole new level of nonsensicality,” Dirk chided.

Todd was characteristically offended. “Wh—no! I am not, and you can’t argue about this one! Ice cream flavours are a matter of personal taste.”

The plane flew back in Dirk’s direction with an extra bit of power.

“Perhaps. Still, I’d argue if you were to take a vote on it, the general public would agree Neapolitan ice cream is _far_ better than mint chocolate chip,” Dirk reasoned, catching the object and twirling it around in his fingers.

“You can’t just _assume_ that!” Todd exclaimed and opened his hands in preparation for Dirk’s next shot. “Lots of people like mint chocolate chip! And even if that _is_ true, it’s fine, because it doesn’t change the fact it’s _my_ personal favourite.”

“Why, of all flavours, would you choose _that one_ as your favourite?”

“I like it!”

“It’s odd!”

“And your flashy rainbow flavours _aren’t_?”

“First of all, they are _not,_ and secondly, I was arguing for Neapolitan, and Neapolitan is _very_ common!”

“Yeah, well, Neapolitan is _three_ flavours, asshole, and—“

“Oh my god!” Farah exclaimed, effectively cutting off their arguments.

They both spun around to face her, surprised enough that the plane – which they had continued throwing during their debate – flew past Dirk’s head and crashed pathetically to the floor.

Farah, who had been dutifully working on monthly taxes and payments the whole day, was seated at her desk, set up in the corner of the room in an attempt to create a quiet area for herself in order to focus. Dirk caught Todd’s wince and couldn’t help the twinge of guilt that struck him as well. They _were_ being pretty loud, weren’t they? Oops.

“Sorry, Farah,” they muttered in unison.

Farah deflated, most of her visible frustration melting away, and a more composed look replacing it. “You know what?” She waved her hands around semi-expressively to punctuate her words. “It’s fine. We’re fine. It’s actually starting to get late, so I think I’ll probably head home now, anyway.”

“Home?” Dirk repeated, hope bubbling up in his chest. “We can leave now?”

“Well, _I’m_ leaving now. You two, on the other hand, really should stay here and get some work done.”

“Wh—Farah! But—we—“

“Nu-uh, no way! I gave you both a very small stack of paperwork when you arrived back from lunch and you promised me you’d finish it today. It’s not even that difficult; a few of them are even just signing your name on the restraining order you got filed against you _again_.”

“This one was _so_ not my fault. Mr. Penny was being absurd when he—“

“It doesn’t matter, Dirk. You still have to sign it. I need you two to do this _small_ amount of stuff for me… _please._ I’m not going to be responsible for your work again.”

“Again?” Todd jumped in. “Hey, I never—“

“Oh-ho no, Todd, don’t you take yourself out of this,” Farah argued, jabbing a finger in his direction. “I’ve had to finish stuff for you too, and you’re the one who caused all this today. The second you noticed Dirk pouting over his paperwork like a sad puppy, you fell for it and stopped working to start the whole airplane thing.”

It was a serious situation and really, Dirk did understand all Farah was saying, yet he couldn’t help himself from beaming at the reminder of his sad doodling of little stick figures on a blank sheet of paper being interrupted as an airplane glided to a soft landing on his desk. The little smirk on Todd’s face when Dirk turned to find the source of the object was enough to make his heart skip a beat and his mood to turn around.

Todd’s cheeks tinged with pink and he helplessly tried to stutter out a protest.

Dirk was tempted to make a weak objection about how, as the person with his name on the sign, he figured it was more his duty to be the face of the agency than to do paperwork, but ultimately decided to hold his tongue for once. “Right, yes, you’re completely correct and… I apologize once again, Farah.”

Todd nodded his agreement. “Y-yeah, we’re… we’re really sorry.”

Farah eyed them for a moment before deciding she was satisfied and beginning to gather her things. “We said we wanted to do this properly and legally, and that means working real hours and going through the appropriate procedures to get all of this done.”

Within a minute she was gone, leaving them with a small smile and an assurance that it wouldn’t even take them too long to get everything done if they sat down and focused.

And they did! For… a few minutes, at least, scattering papers across Dirk’s desk and working through everything together. While it wasn’t too difficult, it was certainly tedious, and soon enough, Dirk’s eyes began to fall shut against his will.

A pair of fingers snapped in front of his face. “Dirk?”

Naturally, he jumped three feet in the air, wild eyes snapping towards the source of the sound.

Todd appeared far too amused with the whole thing. “C’mon, we’re almost done. Only a few more and then we can go home and watch TV or something.”

 _Home_ — Dirk had never truly wrapped his head around the concept until him and Todd pitched their money together to buy a cozy apartment in a building they both considered far nicer than the Ridgley. After months of staying overnight on each other’s couches following hours of casework and conversation, it had just felt natural to move in with each other. And now, even simply hearing that one, magical word was enough to cause warm feelings to course through him.

Dirk was already convinced and opened his mouth to say so when Todd decided to spice up the offer even more. “I can even pick us up some food from that Chinese place down the road. I mean, it’s pretty much dinnertime, right?”

“It is! You are just _full_ of brilliant ideas, Todd!” Dirk exclaimed. “And you know what? Due to your helpfulness tonight, I think I’ll even let you pick the show we watch later!”

Todd rolled his eyes, but couldn’t quite stop his smile. “Oh, really? I get that honour for a single night?”

“Don’t act as though you don’t _love_ my shows!”

“They’re… alright on occasion.”

Dirk grinned. In Todd language that must have practically meant the same thing.

Todd shuffled out of his chair and headed to the coat rack, and then, to Dirk’s great surprise, snatched up his bright blue leather jacket and threw it on.

“I think I’ll just wear this on my way over. It’s pretty cold out there and stuff,” he said, a playful grin spread across his face.

Dirk’s mouth fell open and when he tried to speak, only a small choking sound came out. _Oh, damn him._ Todd really had no idea what it was doing to Dirk to see how lovely he looked in that.

“You—” he managed, and felt his cheeks beginning to burn. “D-Don’t ruin that, it’s… very expensive.”

Todd laughed, ducking his head down in a way Dirk found far too adorable. “I’ll keep it safe. Be back in twenty, okay?”

Dirk nodded his understanding in rapid succession, and only after the coast was clear did he bang his head down on his desk and groan.

_He was **so** screwed._

\--

“This our chance?” A gruff voice asked.

His eyes were focused on his leader, a middle-aged man with close-cropped brown hair and a scrunched-up face that was far more menacing than strictly necessary. His dark eyes were locked on the figure who had recently exited a nearby building, tracking him carefully as he unsuspectingly made his way down the miraculously empty sidewalks. It was a quiet night. The _perfect_ night.

The man’s lips twisted into a cruel smile. “This is it.”

\--

Dirk was, and always had been, _very_ bad at staying calm during stressful situations.

He tried not to find any fault when forty minutes passed with no sign of Todd. The hunch that inundated him, signifying something had gone wrong, must have been a fluke! Or nothing to do with his best friend whatsoever! No, he could excuse the extended wait as it being a long lineup or Todd underestimating how long the errand would take, totally valid reasons!

But when an hour had torturously passed by, it was understandable that Dirk was becoming increasingly anxious, left pacing back and forth around the office and sending a short series of texts Todd’s way.

_Todd?? What’s going on??_

_Is it really busy there???_

_Did you get caught up with something on the way back??_

_Is everything alright?_

He hesitated before sending the last one, hating that he even felt the compulsion to ask. He didn’t want to consider that the answer could be no.

He spun around to stare back at the door; as if simply doing that would magically cause Todd to come waltzing back in with the food and a string of complaints about the terrible service at the Chinese takeout place.

When the clock struck 8 p.m., over an hour and a half after Todd had left, Dirk was making calls with trembling hands and begging under his breath for the ringing to shift into the sound of his best friend’s voice. After his second failed attempt he started to leave voicemails on the off chance they would make any sort of difference.

“Todd, _please_ , I need you to answer. This—you told me you would be twenty minutes! I’ve walked there myself before. It’s _never_ taken more than half an hour so you can’t… you can’t be there. Please just, tell me where you are. Tell me you’re okay.”

His first message cut off with a beep, and by his third, his voice was so cracked and shaky his words were barely coherent.

By the time 9 p.m. rolled around, Dirk couldn’t breathe.

“Farah!” he gasped when she picked up his call on the second ring. “I-I need your help! You need to get over here _immediately_! Something’s happened to Todd! I haven’t seen him in over _two hours_ and he was only leaving to get—to get dinner! Dinner, Farah! That was all! B-But I went to the Chinese food place and they said they hadn’t even _seen_ him there tonight and he wouldn’t—he has to be—!”

“Whoa, whoa, Dirk!” Farah interrupted. “C-calm down, take a deep breath, we’ll figure this out, okay?”

Dirk nodded despite its triviality, inhaling deeply and wiping at his eyes as they began to sting with tears. “He’s in trouble. He has to be. Something’s gone horribly wrong, and I’ve just been sitting here like an _idiot_ while he might be—“

“Oh, no, no, don’t start that! Whatever’s going on it’s not your fault, and it might—maybe it’s not even as bad as it seems. Maybe Amanda rolled by or something and— okay, actually, that seems like a longshot but, just, don’t worry too much. You know Todd, he’s tough. If he’s in any sort of trouble he’ll make it out. He’s probably on his way back right now, totally fine!” Farah was trying, she really was, and Dirk may have believed her if he didn’t hear the fear edging into her voice.

“But what if he’s _not_?” Dirk asked, the words like poison on his tongue.

The line went quiet for several long seconds.

“Okay, Dirk, listen, I’ll be over there as soon as I can. Try not to panic and… call me if he comes back?”

“O-okay,” he muttered, uncurling from the ball he’d shrunken into when he collapsed in one of the room’s corners a few minutes prior.

He stared blankly at the phone as Farah hung up, clueless about how he was supposed to proceed. He clicked down his short contacts list once more and stared at Todd’s name illuminated onscreen. By this time, it was probably pointless to keep trying, but giving up on Todd was not something Dirk could bear to do. He forced himself to shakily stand as the buzz of the outgoing call rang in his ears.

“Todd…” he whispered when he was greeted with the beep to leave a voicemail once more. “I need you to be okay, _please_. If something happened to you I—“

The sound of an opening door cut into the silence of the room. Dirk’s heart caught in his throat and he barely even noticed when his phone slipped from his hands and clattered to the floor.

“Todd!” Dirk exclaimed, breathing properly for the first time in two hours because surely enough – by some _miracle_ – he was actually back and—

_Oh no._

It was then that Dirk truly took in the state of Todd: the purple bruises blooming on his cheeks, the slits in his jacket, his disoriented eyes, strained guilty smile, and uncoordinated movements. _He’d been hurt._

“Wh-what happened?” Dirk gasped, rushing to Todd’s side and carefully gripping onto his arms in an attempt to keep him upright.

Todd grimaced. “I, uh—I didn’t make it to the Chinese place.”

“I know, I… I went looking for you.”

That caught Todd’s attention. His eyes cleared slightly and he seemed to notice how drained Dirk looked – he could just imagine his mussed up hair and red-rimmed eyes. The guilt that flashed across Todd’s expression hit Dirk like a child whacking a piñata.

“Oh god, Dirk… I didn’t— I’m sorry,” Todd whispered.

He sounded so damn defeated, so out of sorts, that Dirk’s eyes unintentionally filled with tears once more.

“No, don’t you apologize,” Dirk commanded softly. He slid his grip down Todd’s arms and held his trembling hands in his own, squeezing gently. “It’s going to be alright. We can go sit down and you can tell me—“

“Shit,” Todd said suddenly, eyes growing wide in panic. “Shit, shit, shit! Dirk, I ruined it.”

“Ruined— what could you possibly have—”

“Your—your jacket! I promised you I’d keep it safe and now it’s ruined and— God. I’m so sorry—”

“You… what? Are you kidding me, Todd?”

Todd looked downright offended. “Of course not! I-I fucked up and got pulled into trouble, and I’ve wrecked—“

“No, no, no, stop! Stop that _right now_. I don’t give a damn about the jacket. All I care about is _you_ and if you’re okay. Which you clearly are not since you’re panicking over a stupid jacket!”

“Stupid—? It’s not— Dirk, you love your jackets!”

Dirk sighed. “Sure I do, but they’re just _things_. They can be replaced. _You_ can’t be. So _please_ , stop apologizing and blaming yourself for things you had absolutely no control over.”

“But—“ Todd started, voice as shaky as his hands.

Dirk couldn’t take it any longer. Seeing Todd act so uncharacteristically had twisted his insides into painful knots and he needed to put an end to it. He wrapped his arms around Todd’s middle, hugging him close and effectively cutting him off before he could begin rambling again.

“ _Shhh_ , shut up. Breathe, Todd. Take a deep breath,” Dirk instructed, speaking softly as he rubbed soothing circles into Todd’s back. “It’s going to be okay.”

Miraculously, Todd listened, inhaling sharply and exhaling slowly as he clutched at Dirk in a weak return of his embrace. They stood there for a long time, Dirk occasionally whispering sweet words of reassurance as Todd’s frantic breathing evened out.

“Better?” Dirk asked when they finally pulled apart, still gripping onto Todd’s hands for both of their sakes.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m good,” Todd said, eyes darting away from Dirk’s. “I was overreacting.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m sure. I’ll be fine, Dirk.”

Dirk bit his lip. “Can we… talk about this?”

Todd hesitated a moment, then stiffly nodded. Dirk sighed in relief and pulled him with great care over to [the couch.](https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1849/30258688868_c5e41d3544_b.jpg)

He wasted no time once they were seated. “Tell me what happened to you.” 

“It was—it’s not important. I kind of got… ambushed, but I’ll be fine.” 

Dirk’s pulse quickened. “Ambushed?!”

“Uh, yeah, that’s probably what I’d call it. I… It’s nothing to worry about. I’m back, right?” Todd offered a weak shrug.

Untangling one of Todd’s hands from his own, Dirk reached up to tenderly rub along the purple on his cheek. “You’re hurt. That is _not_ okay and I very much _am_ worried.”

He dropped his hand and stared down Todd, who looked as if he’d rather be anywhere else.

“Is there any chance at all we can just… drop this?” Todd asked.

“ _Drop_ it? You—are you serious? Do you have any idea how _terrified_ I was when you were missing? I was calling you for hours and running around the city and I even told Farah to get over here immediately! I—I was wondering if maybe you—“ Dirk froze, choking on the words and tactfully turning away to hide his watering eyes— “You can’t come back like _this_ , then expect me to drop it after you just told me you were _ambushed_!”

Todd winced. “I’m—I’m sorry. That was a stupid thing to say. Of course you couldn’t…” He sighed and gave Dirk’s hand a light squeeze. “I didn’t mean to worry you.”

“You don’t have to keep apologizing,” Dirk insisted. “And I don’t want to pressure you, but _please,_ if you can, tell me what happened.”

Todd went silent and Dirk allowed it, only returning his gaze to Todd’s when he tentatively began speaking. “I got, uh… jumped by some creeps in a van. They sort of… kidnapped me… brought me to some—some back alley somewhere.”

“Oh, god, _Todd_ ,” Dirk gasped, voice cracking on the word.

Todd smiled a little helplessly at him. “There were too many for me to take on, but they didn’t know I had the brass knuckles so I was able to get back at one guy, at least.”

“I hope you really hurt him.”

“Broke his nose.”

“Good. He deserved it.”

Todd’s expression shifted into something a touch more pained. “Yeah, he did.”

“What… what happened next?” Dirk prodded, heart racing even faster.

“They, uh, kicked me around for a bit.”

Dirk shut his eyes firmly and tightened his grip on Todd’s hand. _Shit. He shouldn’t have let him go alone. He shouldn’t have—_

“ _Why?_ ” he blurted weakly.

He wasn’t sure if he was expecting there to be a real answer, but the way Todd’s breathing faltered after he asked said there was something terrible afoot.

“They wanted to send a message,” Todd admitted, barely loud enough for him to hear. “To—to you, Dirk.”

Dirk’s stomach fell out from under him. “A message?”

“The… main bad guy said he used to work for Blackwing. He’s been fucking _spying_ on you, figuring out where you go, how you work with others. He said that this was a warning and if you didn’t meet them outside of this building tomorrow prepared to give up your… your _life_ … they wouldn’t let me go the next time.”

Dirk’s eyes snapped back open. “But, Bart, she— Blackwing was _destroyed_ , there shouldn’t be anything or any _one_ left of it!”

Todd’s face scrunched up in pain. “I-I guess some people made it out? Or maybe this guy even quit a long time ago. His methods do seem a little more… extreme.”

“Extreme?” Dirk repeated with a bitter laugh. “On the contrary, I’m certain Blackwing is an expert on that front.”

“Jesus. You need to get out of here.”

“ _Me_? Todd, you’ve been _threatened_! You are in actual, serious danger and it is completely my fault! I-I can’t deal with that. I can’t—“ he shook his head, lungs feeling as if they were being crushed as he considered that his worst fear could very well be coming to life— “I’ll meet up with them and you—“

“Meet up with them?!” Todd shouted. “They want to _kill you_! You’ve done so much crazy, stupid shit, Dirk, but don’t you even _think_ about doing this! You aren’t throwing your life away for me, that’s—that’s insane!”

“Well, not to me it isn’t! If it comes down to—“

“It won’t! I won’t let it! If you think I’m letting you go anywhere near those fucking assholes…” Todd trailed off, teeth grinding together and eyes so cold Dirk could almost imagine him killing a man.

“But they’re after _me_! You’re being used as—as leverage! They want to make me suffer and give in to their every demand and I won’t allow it to go on.” His lip trembled and his next words were only a whisper. “I… I can’t lose you. I couldn’t bear it….”

All the frustration drained from Todd’s face in an instant, leaving a fierce determination in its wake. “You _won’t_ , and I’m not losing you either. I _couldn’t_. We can hide out together, find out who these guys are, and stop them before they do anything. There were only, like, six of them. We can take them if we’re prepared. We have Farah and if we call up Amanda, we have a whole bunch of extra defence. We can get through this, so _promise me_ you won’t do anything stupid. Promise me we’re in this together.”

Dirk froze, mesmerized by the look in Todd’s eyes, the sheer amount of complete and utter devotion he found there. He was struck for the hundredth time since meeting him by how lucky he was to have Todd Brotzman in his life. He couldn’t have asked for a better friend— which made him all the more selfish and ungrateful for the private moments when he silently wished they could be more than that.

He nodded, pushing past the doubts swirling in his mind. Together; that sounded nice. He really wasn’t keen on handing himself over to those overdramatic bad guys anyway. “I promise.”

“Good. That’s—that’s good.” Todd visibly relaxed, sinking back against the couch cushions and loosening his grip on Dirk’s hand. In a pleasant turn of events, he didn’t let go completely and Dirk couldn’t ever complain about that. “We’ll figure this out, okay?”

“Okay,” Dirk agreed, lips finally tugging up once more, “and then after all of this is over we can go get ice cream and I’ll give your absurd mint chocolate chip another chance.”

Todd laughed, a quiet and very welcomed sound that melted Dirk’s heart. “Sounds like a plan.”

They shifted closer and allowed their sides to press together as they began talking nonsense, speaking in hushed tones as if anything could pop the safe little bubble they locked themselves inside at any given moment. Their hands stayed intertwined all the while, and even when Farah rushed in twenty minutes later and they were forced to deal with the gravity of the very real danger hanging over their heads, they didn’t let go.

\--


	3. Another X on the Calendar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title comes from The Calendar by Panic! At The Disco. It's not fully relevant to this chapter, but the chorus of this song always got me thinking about this fic in general.

**August 6**

Every intuition Dirk was enduring warned them to run, and upon Farah’s instructions, they left Seattle soon after midnight. With very little information on who the group after them were, or if there were more of them hiding out and waiting for an opportunity, it was the most logical solution to get out of their line of sight. These people already knew where they were and how they went about their days. It was no use going back home or staying in the agency where they would be hovering around the very next morning.

On one hand, their mysterious pursuers may have been easy to overcome and their whole escape would prove to be completely pointless. On the other – the one Dirk considered _irrefutable_ – every single precaution was well worth taking if there was even a slightly higher chance of staying safe. There was no room for riskiness here, and if Todd’s lack of protests to their getaway plan was to be analyzed, Dirk would assume that he felt similarly.

They went out the back door of the agency’s building, keeping a careful eye out for any activity, made a quick pit stop for provisions, then left the city in a rental car. They zigzagged around different pathways, taking every necessary step to make sure they were not being followed. They took old back roads, travelling further and further away with no clear destination at first. Farah, who had rightfully been put in charge of their escape, eventually took to the backseat to make some calls and arrangements for a safe place while Todd continued to drive them along the seemingly endless roads.

Travelling by car at night had never bothered Dirk before, but on this occasion, it was exceedingly eerie, as if a threat could suddenly emerge from the darkness at any given time and attempt to snatch away the life and friends he’d spent so many years yearning for.

They didn’t stop driving until dawn as the sunrise was streaking oranges and pinks across the sky, and Dirk wasn’t even aware if they were still in the same state or several away. Wherever they were, it was lowly populated and so very far from where they’d come.

They pulled up to a small bungalow, appearing a little rundown but cozy-looking nonetheless, that was located at the end of a street of similar ones. It was only a single story high and painted a sky blue with white shingles that were starting to lose their colour. It remained fully intact, excluding the gravel on the driveway which had begun to chip and cracked under their feet when they stepped out of the car.

“Ah, yes, so… where exactly are we?” Dirk asked.

“I, uh, rented this out temporarily with money I wired to a private account I made in case of emergencies. It was the best I could find on such short notice,” Farah replied. “The key should have been left under the doormat, up there.”

“God, what would we do without you, Farah?” Todd said, smile reappearing after being absent for so many hours. Not that Dirk was paying attention to that.

Farah winced. “I-I don’t even want to consider it.”

“Yes, I would think it best not to,” Dirk agreed.

\--

Their safe house wasn’t much to look at on the inside and was just a _little_ bigger than their apartment. Thankfully it came furnished, since it was a rental from another owner. It consisted of a master bedroom, a tiny guest bedroom, a decent sized-bathroom, a skinny room with a washer/dryer, and a kitchen with an attached living area. The appliances were old and a bit faulty and the couches and beds were rather uncomfortable with a few disturbing slashes in their material. All in all, it made Dirk feel a little dirty, but when running for your life, you had to take what you could get.

The first day was a tense blur involving double checking locks, leaving all electronics off, and ordering takeout from a nearby pizza place so they needn’t leave the residence for even a moment. The three of them spent most of the day on the battered upholstery couches, coming up with useless theories involving the annoying group of bad guys and generally complaining and worrying over their situation.

“Did they have to be so _dramatic_ about this? Making that sort of ultimatum and stalking outside our office?” Dirk asked with a sigh. “I suppose they _were_ involved with Blackwing so they couldn’t simply be the tolerable kind of criminals doing things for money or power. Unsurprising, I suppose, but disappointing nonetheless.”

“’Tolerable kind of criminals’?” Todd repeated, incredulous.

“I wouldn’t call any criminals _tolerable_ , Dirk,” Farah put in.

Dirk waved his hand dismissively. “Yes, yes, I know. Every major crime is _deplorable_ and all that, but it just had to be the _worst_ kind of people, didn’t it? It just _had_ to be someone from _Blackwing.”_

He looked down at his hands, folding them together, and biting his lip when it ever so slightly began to tremble. Damn them, for still having this sort of effect on him. Damn them, for threatening him and the person he held most dear.

“Couldn’t we have been left alone?” he asked in a small voice.

A hand came to rest on his shoulder and squeezed it comfortingly. His head swerved back up to reveal Todd, face screwed up with sympathy, big blue eyes full of a sadness Dirk wished he could chase away forever.

“It’s… it’s gonna be alright, Dirk,” Todd said. “We’ll figure it out, and we’ll beat them. Things have been fucking _insane_ since we met, but we always make it through in one piece, right? We can do that again.”

Dirk offered a slight smile and glanced to Farah who nodded in agreement, looking ready to fight anyone who tried to assault them – as she usually did, and with great success at that.  

The words, _“nothing will ever tear us apart_ ” popped into Dirk’s mind and although no one said them aloud, they seemed to hang in the air all the same. It was enough to drain a chunk of the tension from the room.

\--

**August 7**

“Do you think there’s a chance they’ll catch up with us?” Dirk asked, watching the curtain shielded windows from his spot on the floor, leaning back against the couch.

“We took a million precautions to get away. They—they must have worked. It seems like they would already be here if we failed. We passed their deadline, remember?” Todd pointed out. He huffed a bitter laugh. “Guess that means I’m lucky to be alive.”

Dirk’s heart caught in his throat.

“Don’t _say_ things like that!” he exclaimed. “This is serious, Todd! Someone could be coming after your life at this very moment! They could be coming after Farah, too! Shit, she shouldn’t have gone out for groceries, she could be—“

“Dirk, stop! Calm down, okay?” Todd said, sliding off the couch to sit on the floor next to him. He bumped their shoulders lightly together. “Farah will come back, and we’ll be safe here. There hasn’t been anything off since she left.”

“Are you _sure_ about that? Because there’s a distinct possibility I heard a tapping sound against one of the windows only a few minutes ago.”

“You did?” Todd asked, eyebrows drawing together and concerned gaze darting between windows before landing on Dirk, who nodded seriously. “That—that could have been anything. It was probably, like, a bird or a squirrel, or, or any other normal, non-threatening type thing.”

“True. Nevertheless, your hesitation before constituting any justification tells me you find this whole situation as off-putting as I do.”

Todd shrugged. “Well, yeah. I’d probably be crazy if I wasn’t scared.”

“I didn’t say scared.”

“…It’s true, though. I’m terrified, man.”

Dirk’s eyes rose to meet Todd’s, and it was easy to see the truth in those words plainly written upon his friend’s face. A small knot twisted in Dirk’s stomach and “ _this is all your fault”_ danced dangerously in his head.

“I am too,” he admitted.

\--

**August 8**

“We’ve finally got some information,” Farah announced that morning. “It’s best we handle this as soon as possible.”

Dirk and Todd stood side by side and watched as Farah gathered her things, not quite sharing in the sentiment. While it was all well and good that their call with Lieutenant Assistent – who left Blackwing as it fell apart and was _slightly_ more bearable than the rest due to his willingness to cooperate with them – helped to identify the group’s leader due to Todd’s vague descriptions of him, they still didn’t have much to go on besides an uncovered photo of something that _could_ be a hideout.

The man leading the entire operation was apparently called Jarrett Byres. According to Assistent, he’d always been a little aggressive and had even been overheard insisting the ‘dangerous’ subjects should be executed instead of locked away and experimented on. Which, quite frankly, told Dirk all he needed to know about this whole thing.

Jarrett must have gathered followers after Blackwing fell apart, sharing his experiences and filling heads with the notion that people like Dirk were too unpredictable to be roaming around alive. He must have seen the subjects’ faces, memorized their information or maybe even stole their files. He would have had an adequate idea of where to start when he decided to go hunting.

Maybe Dirk wasn’t sat on top of his wanted list and others had been threatened – or even _killed_ – before him, but he must have still been a prominent bullet point. He was a priority to eradicate as urgently as possible.

“Are you sure that shambled, old house they were headed into was really a hideout?” Dirk asked. “It’s supposedly abandoned, yes, so it _would_ be a convenient choice, however, there’s no _guarantee_ they are staying there, and we still don’t know how many there are in this stupid group!”

Farah sighed. “It might not be, but we can’t just sit here and wait for them to find us. I can assess the building myself and see what I find. I’ll call Amanda and the Rowdy 3 as backup in case there are too many for me to take. If it gets really bad, I’ll call the cops or _anyone_ who might be able to help find them and get them off our backs.”

Todd’s frown deepened. “I agree with Dirk on this one. Are you sure this is a good idea? I don’t doubt you and Amanda could take on at least ten men, but it’s too much of a risk for—“

“For the lives of my best friends?” Farah snapped. “Sorry, Todd. I can’t stand around doing nothing when I could be out there stopping those freaks. I-I’d tell you two to come with me, but I think it’s safer for you here.”

“There are also no guarantees here,” Dirk said.

“Maybe. But it’s _not_ debatable that you getting closer to them when we don’t know what to expect is definitely the riskier option.”

They couldn’t exactly argue with that, although it was sorely tempting to try. Dirk opened his mouth, and then promptly closed it three times as Farah was preparing her bag. It would be easy to jump in and join her, or insist on coming along alone and leaving Todd at the safe house. Only Todd would never agree to stay behind, and Dirk couldn’t handle the idea of leaving his side for even a single moment while this threat hung over their heads. As much as he hated it, Farah had a good point, and he had to place his faith in her very capable hands.

Perhaps Todd was thinking along the same lines, as all he was able to get out were a couple of weak ‘Farah’s with a distinct lack of any strong arguments or alternatives.

“Don’t do anything dangerous,” Farah said when she was finally packed and ready. She wrapped Dirk in a quick hug and then moved to give Todd one as well.

“Be careful, okay?” Todd pleaded, clutching to Farah a little too tightly before she pulled away. “I know you’re capable of taking care of yourself but please, be careful. Watch your back and don’t go anywhere that seems too risky.”

“I’ll be fine, don’t worry about that. What I _need_ is for you two to remember to avoid going near the windows, make sure everything is locked, have 911 handy, and…” She hesitated, looking between them with eyes that were just the tiniest bit wet. “Protect each other, okay?”

“Yeah, I—of course. Nothing’s going to happen to him,” Todd promised, shifting ever so slightly closer and causing Dirk’s face to feel a little too warm.

“Yes, and nothing will happen to Todd either, I wouldn’t let it,” Dirk agreed.

Farah quirked an eyebrow amusedly and Todd went pink-faced, glancing away and muttering something under his breath about how they’d be perfectly fine.

\--

“How about this?” Dirk asked, jumping into what he figured was an adequate defensive stance and holding up two knives, one in each hand.

Todd narrowed his eyes. “Do you really think _plastic butter knives_ would be a good weapon against a trained soldier and his followers?”

“Oh, I don’t know, Todd. It’s certainly better than nothing, which is what _you_ have right now.”

“Hey, I’m still looking! I’m sure I’ll find something better than _that_.”

“Will you, though? There really aren’t too many options here.”

“I can get creative.”

Dirk scoffed and pulled himself up to sit on the kitchen counter. He dropped his knives next to him and watched as Todd roamed around, opening up drawers as if some secret weapon was going to materialize from thin air.

They’d recently come to the realization that if their hiding spot was suddenly compromised they were woefully unprepared. So far, the proceedings here had been peaceful and it was beginning to feel like it would stay relatively safe, but becoming too confident in one outcome tended to be a common human error. In the worst case scenario of their enemies discovering them, Dirk thought it best to prepare a line of defence.

Unfortunately, in a house with very few furnishings and next to nothing in the kitchen, there weren’t a lot of choices for weapons. The only item present adequate for fighting was the single pan Dirk had stuffed into their packs for cooking purposes before leaving Seattle. Todd didn’t even have his brass knuckles any longer, a fact which seemed to visibly perturb him.

Todd’s scan of the room eventually fell to the fridge, which he pulled open with an air of conviction. Dirk tried to peer around him and follow his hand inside, wondering what type of thing in there could possibly be used to fight. Farah had stocked them up on groceries, but those were for _eating_ , obviously.

… Perhaps if they threw milk on the bad guys, they would give up?

Todd kicked the door closed and faced Dirk with a smirk, shaking a newly retrieved beer bottle in his hand.

“Oh, so… you’re giving up and drinking?” Dirk asked.

Todd rolled his eyes. “C’mon, despite what I told Farah, getting drunk would solve nothing.”

“Then—“

“Stand back.”

“What?”

“Stand back. Get away from the counter.”

“What exactly are you—“

“ _Dirk_.”

Yep, Dirk knew better than to argue with that voice. He scrambled off the counter, taking several steps back until he was bordering the living area, and raising his hands in surrender.

The sound of shattering glass rang through the room, and Dirk’s eyes widened in surprise, as Todd smashed the bottle against the edge of the counter, effectively splitting it in half. Todd was left holding onto the neck and waved the top half, which now concluded in jagged edges that dripped with the remnants of the beverage.

“This should be sharp enough to use against someone,” Todd said, jutting his chin out. He was really far too pleased with himself considering the circumstances.

“I— well, I suppose that would work alright.” Dirk paused, glancing at the mess Todd left and wrinkling his nose. “But, I hope you know you’re the one responsible for cleaning this up now.”

\--

**August 9**

Dirk wasn’t exactly huge on reading, never having the proper focus to sit down and fully concentrate on the words adorning the pages. Under certain circumstances, however, he still made an effort, and being restrained inside a single area for days on end fell under that umbrella. Quietly reading was better than being chased, in his opinion, and he figured he might be able to learn something about how a “normal” detective works from _A Study in Scarlet_.

He was beginning to doze off in the midst of some very keen investigating on Sherlock’s part when a sudden, panicked scream resounded throughout the house. Dirk’s eyes snapped open, and his blood ran cold.

“ _Todd_?!” he screeched, scrambling off the couch and letting the book drop to the floor. A million terrible, _terrible_ thoughts raced through his mind, and his heart pounded painfully in his chest as he dashed as fast as his legs could carry him across the hardwood.

_What if Todd was hurt? What if they were here? What if he had monumentally messed up by leaving him alone for even a moment and now—_

He slammed into the door of the bathroom, where the source of the sound originated, knocking it open with a force he hadn’t known he had in him. His breath escaped him at the sight of Todd, curled up on the ceramic tiles beside the sink, staring at his hands in shock while sharp, pained gasps left his mouth.

_A pararibulitis attack,_ Dirk realized and dropped to his knees in front of his friend, hands hovering over Todd’s arms as he yearned to touch, but not daring to risk it. He couldn’t risk _anything_ that may unintentionally cause Todd more pain, even if his instincts were crying for him to pull Todd in, hold him close, and somehow physically protect him from whatever he was seeing.

“ _Todd_ ,” Dirk said instead. He was unsure if he was even aware of his presence and needed him to know, at least, that he was there.

Todd’s head snapped up, eyes wild and red-rimmed, face contorted in pain. He let out a choked sound and curled his fingers slightly. “D-Dirk, it’s spreading!”

“Spreading?” he repeated in a small voice.

“The-the fire. It’s _burning_ , my hands, my arms… it-it’s not stopping. I can’t stop it!”

“ _Shh_ ,” Dirk hushed softly, his eyes darting from Todd to frantically scan the room. “It’ll be okay. It’s not real. We’ll figure this out.”

Todd let out a hiss, and dropped his head again, squeezing his eyes shut tightly. “Shit. _Shit_.”

Dirk’s stomach twisted. “Todd, l-listen to me, where is your medication?”

“It’s, uh, it’s—the cabinet. The cabinet above the sink,” Todd gasped, before letting out another loud cry.

“Cabinet, right!” Dirk shot to his feet, roughly pulling open the door and thanking the universe they hadn’t settled in enough to fill the shelves, so he was immediately able to catch sight of the small bottle. He took it into his hands and tried to twist off the stupidly difficult cap with his fingers – and when had they started to shake so much, anyway?

“Aha!” he said, finally pulling it off and shaking a couple pills into his hand before haphazardly throwing the bottle next to the sink and falling to the floor by Todd’s side. He hesitated, watching the way Todd’s hands trembled and balled into loose fists.

Dirk had always been rubbish at helping when it mattered, but Todd couldn’t do this on his own.

He slowly and carefully placed a hand on Todd’s shoulder to redirect his attention. Todd instinctively leaned closer, stubbly cheek rubbing against Dirk’s thumb. He was still gasping out quick breaths and appeared rather disoriented, eyes unfocused as they reopened marginally. He wasn’t screaming or letting out anymore terrible cries, at least, which Dirk counted as a win. He didn’t think his heart could have withstood anymore of that.

“Hey,” he whispered, “I need you to open your mouth. I have your pills. I can help you.”

“ _Jesus._ Yeah, yeah, just hurry,” Todd said, and quickly followed his command.

Dirk’s hand was hovering near Todd’s parted lips when he gasped and recoiled. “Wait, should I have gotten you water to swallow this down w—“

Todd groaned. “No, no, god, I don’t care, just give me them now, Dirk!”

Reluctantly, Dirk listened, helping the pills into his mouth and barely stopping from wincing as Todd swallowed them dry. Dirk gave his shoulder a squeeze and let out a quiet breath of relief as Todd’s breathing slowly became more controlled and his features drained of tension.

Todd’s eyes still didn’t fully open, and he looked about ready to pass out from exhaustion at any given time now. Dirk raised his other hand to grip onto Todd’s free shoulder in a weak attempt to keep him stable.

“You’re okay,” Dirk whispered. “Nothing is going to touch you now. You… you’re safe.”

Todd glanced away, face burning red as he became keen on staring anywhere except for back at Dirk.

“Thanks,” he mumbled, voice layered with exhaustion. “I’m sorry that you—“

“Todd, you know how much I hate it when you apologize for things you have absolutely no control over. If you keep it up, I’ll have to—to—demote you!”

Todd’s lips curled up a touch. “Is there a position lower than assistant?”

“I’m not sure, but I will certainly think of one! And you were _so close_ to a promotion.”

“That’s fine. I really don’t want to be called your ‘ward’ again, anyway.”

Dirk bit his lip, not sure if this was the right time to inform Todd he’d been thinking they could be something more like _partners_ in the agency. He loved the idea of having an assistant for the longest time, but to retain that sort of position for the person who saved his life multiple times and supported him through thick and thin was unexpectedly erroneous.

Later. He’d tell him later. That wasn’t vital at the moment.

“Are you… alright now?” Dirk asked.

“Yeah, yeah, don’t worry about me.” Todd said.

“Don’t _worry_ about you?” Dirk repeated, incredulous.

“I’m fine,” Todd snapped, annoyance now prevalent in his tone. “It is what it is, and I shouldn’t have freaked out as much as—“

“ _Todd_ ,” Dirk warned.

Todd sighed. “Why can’t you just let me brush this off like it’s nothing?”

“Because it’s not nothing to _me_. I… I hate seeing you hurt.”                                                    

Todd frowned and raised wet eyes to stare back at Dirk. “I don’t want you to.”

“I know. I only wish you wouldn’t pretend and go into grumpy defensive mode like this.”

“I’m just… embarrassed, I guess. I hate how uncontrollable this is. And I hate trapping you in the middle of it. It’s awkward and frustrating and if I hadn’t collapsed on the stupid fucking floor I could have—“

“You don’t have to deal with this alone, you know,” Dirk said, cutting his frustration off before it could grow. He lowered his hands to grip loosely onto Todd’s. “I mean, I assume that’s what friends are for. Helping each other out, and such.”

“They—yeah. Yeah, I guess they are.”

“And I promised I’d protect you, remember? And—and that’s not because I think you’re incapable or need constant protecting—I just worry because I… I want you to be happy, and safe.” Dirk swallowed, hoping his hasty assurances landed properly.

Apparently, they had.

Todd smiled, a soft and grateful thing that even reached his tired eyes and caused butterflies to flutter insistently in Dirk’s chest. Taking this as a positive sign, Dirk acted on instinct, and leaned closer [until their foreheads were pressed gently together](https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1851/42317545670_998b93f88a_b.jpg). Todd exhaled and let his eyes fall shut at the contact, and Dirk followed suit, lips upturning and face flushing a little.

“I hate how right you are about the ‘friends help each other’ thing.”

“I’m right about a lot of things, Todd.”

“That might be a stretch,” he replied with a short laugh. “But, you and me. We’re stuck together. Not just during _this_ but for—for however long we can be. Looking out for each other is probably a good habit to keep.”

Dirk’s smile grew and his whole chest enveloped with an overwhelming warmth. “You say that as if you haven’t been fiercely protecting me from day one. I’m only returning the favour.”

Todd squeezed his hands. “There’s no favour to repay. You… Dirk, you changed my life. For good. For the better.”

“That’s funny,” Dirk said, “I could say the same thing about you.”

They stayed, foreheads touching and hands twined for another half hour before they finally stirred. Dirk helped a still exhausted Todd to bed, made sure he had everything he needed, and wandered back out to the living room.

This time, when he picked up _A_ _Study in Scarlet_ and tried to read the pages, not a single word processed. Instead, the pleasant sizzling of Todd’s touch lingered on his skin, and he craved to feel it once more. Maybe feel it again and again, every day for the rest of his life. Along with Todd’s lips against his, their bodies pressed together late at night, sweet nothings, and adorable pet names.

It was a wonderful thought. One he’d considered before and would surely consider again.

Maybe one day, he’d have the courage to share it with Todd.

\--


	4. Just Forget the World

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title comes from Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol! Cecilia told me this is one of the songs that makes her think of the boys in my fic so I just had to include it somewhere!

**August 10**

Dirk and Todd had an agreement with Farah to turn off their phones permanently while she was gone, and if she didn’t return by the tenth, they were to expect a call from her via the house’s landline. They, of course, followed her command and received a plethora of updates for their efforts.

The hideout invasion hadn’t panned out as Farah hoped, but she had an idea of the type of vehicle Jarrett Byres would be travelling in and had a decent lead on that. He was allegedly out of the state, headed east to Montana, which posed as good news for Dirk and Todd, who were apparently hauled up south in some nondescript town in Oregon.

Farah had taken to collaborating and riding with Amanda and the Rowdy 3 – something she clearly had very mixed feelings about – who were thrilled at the idea of stopping more people who had been involved with Blackwing. Dirk couldn’t blame them, of course. If he had their strength, fearlessness and general boorishness, he would be after Jarrett with metaphorical pitchforks as well. Yet, surprisingly – or perhaps, not so surprisingly, considering his current priorities – Blackwing itself was not the main reason he would do so, not by any means.

Despite the generally positive news, it was still very off-putting that his and Todd’s extended vacation would extend even further and uncertainty would continue to fill the space between them.

It was in a quiet moment, both of them stewing silently on opposite ends of the couch, that Dirk opened his mouth and made a random comment – something ridiculous that seemed clever before he spoke, but not so much afterwards.

“If the universe had a consciousness do you think it would visit alternate universes and have intense love affairs with them? And that’s how all the new universes would be born?”

Todd immediately froze, eyed widening and darting away from his book to stare at Dirk in confusion.

Dirk felt a flush creeping up on him. “Uh, that didn’t quite come out how I—“

He was cut off by a loud bout of laughter, and shock reverberated through his veins as he watched the pure mirth overtaking Todd’s expression as the laughter continued, on and on for far longer than strictly necessary. Maybe it was the exhaustion and the fear and the uncertainty, all taking control of him, feelings building to a sort of hysteria that was forced out by Dirk’s words.

“You—you—” Todd gasped out between giggles— “are the most ridiculous person I’ve ever met. Oh my _god_ , Dirk!”

And how could Dirk possibly stay frowning in confusion when Todd was so clearly enjoying himself? He smiled and laughed softly along with Todd, who had progressed to flopping onto the cushions, clutching his stomach as he was _still_ losing it.

It was honestly incredibly endearing.

“Would—would every bad universe be the result of really _terrible_ interuniversal sex?” Todd asked breathlessly.

Dirk snorted, then erupted into a steadier stream of giggles himself, those silly words unlocking the same breaking point in him that Todd had tumbled through. He couldn’t find the sanity to care. He felt lighter than he had in days, cracking up so thoroughly that breathing was becoming harder.

They laughed and laughed and laughed until they had no more energy to do so, drained in one of the most satisfying ways possible. Todd wiped at his eyes, still letting out little huffs as Dirk grinned like a maniac and pulled his legs up onto the couch.

“God, that was so stupid,” Todd said hoarsely. “ _We’re_ so stupid.”

“Excuse you, Todd,” Dirk panted. “We know how to have fun in the face of death. We practically just _insulted_ the universe by talking about its sex life. We’re living on the edge. We’re perfect.”

Todd shook his head fondly and a whirlwind went off in Dirk’s mind, prompting him to lean closer to Todd and— and—

And he must have had a terrible sense of direction because instead of doing whatever it was he had wanted, he tilted sideways and tumbled right onto the floor.

Dirk couldn’t even object when Todd’s laughter echoed around the room once again.

\--

**August 11**

Any laughter from earlier in the evening had long since evaporated when Dirk woke up in the tiny guest bedroom with a gasp at 3 a.m., covered in a sheen layer of cold sweat and heart thudding so insistently it rebounded in his ears. He looked wildly around the room, desperate for something to ground him, but it wouldn’t work – it _couldn’t_ work – when there was only a single sight that could soothe the tightness in his chest and erase the dark images that swam behind his eyes.

He kicked off his scratchy sheets and stumbled out of the bed, wiping away any tears that had slipped. He inhaled deeply to compose himself before pushing open the door and stepping as quietly as he could toward the master bedroom where Todd slept. He turned the knob slowly and carefully, mentally zipping his lips shut as he crept inside and searched the room.

His vow to be quiet slipped from his priorities as he discovered Todd curled into a small ball on the bed, arms wrapped tightly around a pillow, and eyes peacefully shut as his chest moved blessedly up and down.

He was breathing.

He was okay.

He—

“D’rk?” A drowsy voice called.

_Shit._

“Todd, I-I’m so sorry!” Dirk whispered. “I didn’t intend to wake you, I—“

“Are you okay?” Todd asked, sitting up and watching Dirk with suddenly alert eyes. In the back of his mind, Dirk wondered if Todd’s protective instincts alone were what woke him up and effectively notified him of his presence, sounding warning bells and shouting, _your best friend needs you right now!_

“I’m… no, not really,” Dirk said, his voice wavering.

“Was it a nightmare?”

_His hands, drenched in blood that belonged to another; his mouth, opened as he tried desperately to scream, to cry out at the top of his lungs, only to find no sound was coming out; his best friend, lying still as his breath stuttered to a stop and his eyes glazed over, unseeing as he—_

Dirk nodded rapidly, not trusting himself to speak. He forced his eyes shut, struggling to hold back the unshed tears that were stinging them.

“Dirk…” came Todd’s voice, so soft and hurt that Dirk almost let out a sob. “C’mere. Sit down.”

He peeled his eyes back open and exhaled shakily as they landed on Todd, whose eyebrows were knitted together and hand was patting the space in front of him on the bed. Dirk practically collapsed onto the indicated spot and pulled himself into a cross-legged position, hands curling tightly around his knees. Todd scooted closer but didn’t speak for several moments, allowing Dirk to take in his comforting and very _real_ presence.

“Can you tell me what happened?” Todd asked. “Or, uh, is that too much? Was it… was it about Blackwing?”

“I-in a way, yes, but it wasn’t... it was different than the ones I’ve had before. It was so much _worse_.”

“Worse than Blackwing locking you up and hurting you?”

“Yes.”

“What…?”

“You. They went after you. They got you, and I couldn’t—” Dirk’s sight blurred and he choked out a sob— “There was nothing I could do, Todd! I couldn’t save you, and I was losing you right in front of me, I was…”

He wept loudly and couldn’t stop the tears that started to stream steadily down his face.

“ _Shh_ , Dirk, no, no, no, don’t cry. Jesus, please don’t cry,” Todd begged.

Gentle hands reached out – passing effortlessly over Dirk’s wall of pain and defensiveness – to cup his face, holding him delicately, as if he were something terribly precious. Todd’s fingers swiped over his cheeks, tenderly wiping away the tears that fell over them. It was warm, and sweet, and far more than he deserved, but everything he needed.

“I’m okay,” Todd promised. “I’m okay, and I swear, I’m not going anywhere.”

“But, what if he finds you?” Dirk reasoned. “Jarrett and—and whatever other mad men or women are working with him?”

Todd shook his head, grimly determined. “Even if there were a hundred of them coming for me at once, I wouldn’t let them take me away from you, alright? It’s not going to happen. Not ever.”

“Is that a promise?” Dirk asked, like a child inquiring about some trivial thing to a loved one.

“It’s a promise. You won’t be alone again, Dirk,” Todd said, and his slim smile broke through Dirk’s dark clouds like a sudden ray of sunshine. Or possibly, considering it _was_ still Todd, like rain finally pouring down after weeks of scorching heat, allowing Dirk’s dying grass to grow again.

Dirk sniffled and tried to calm down, inhaling deeply and slowly exhaling in the way Farah had taught him once when she was taking yoga classes to help her anxiety. Todd lowered his hands, bringing them down to loosely rest on Dirk’s knees and Dirk briefly deliberated if he was aware of how much the continued touches meant to him, or if he needed this just as much as he did.

“Can I confess something, Todd?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“I’ve been afraid to leave your side for even a moment since we arrived here. Especially since Farah left. Whenever you disappear from my sight, a part of me worries. And perhaps that’s silly, since we’ve clearly been safe here, but I really can’t help it.” Dirk glanced down at Todd’s hands on his knees and ran his own over them so they rested lightly on top.

Todd shook his head and followed Dirk’s gaze downward. “God, we’ve turned into such saps recently, haven’t we? I’ve been paranoid about the exact same thing, you know. It took me like an hour to fall asleep tonight.”

Dirk searched for Todd’s eyes once again. “We really are quite sappy, aren’t we?”

“Undeniably.”

“And since we’re on this trend of… being sappy and confessing hidden feelings, can I make a request?”

“Yeah, uh, don’t hold back,” Todd said, and Dirk could almost swear his expression was framed with a hesitant hope.

Dirk cleared his throat. “Can I… stay here tonight?”

Todd blinked, the words obviously not what he was expecting to hear. He shrugged, and it was hard to tell with only the moon’s light filtering in, but a flush looked to be crawling up his cheeks. “If—if you want, then sure. Just don’t get upset if I end up stealing all the blankets or something.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it,” Dirk said, positively beaming as he slipped out of Todd’s grasp and crawled to the empty side of the bed, peeling back the sheets and tucking himself comfortably beneath them.

Todd chuckled, slid back under himself, and turned on his side to face Dirk. “You’re really quick at making yourself at home, aren’t you?”

“Mmm, outrageously so,” Dirk agreed.

They stared at each other, and there was a definite _something_ that hung in the air between them, daring either to do something about it.

Todd was the first to move, offering Dirk one last smile before rotating his body around to face the other way. “Night, Dirk.”

Dirk stayed facing the same direction, keeping his best friend in visual range and finding it was _so_ much easier to shut his eyes now. “Goodnight, Todd.”

\--

Dirk awoke the next morning to the aroma of coffee and burnt toast and a muffled curse from a familiar voice drifting in through the open bedroom door. He simpered, quickly assembling a hypothesis on what the current situation was, and hopping out of the covers. It never took long for the first bursts of energy to find him in the mornings, especially when there were exciting things occurring just outside his door.

“Todd?” he called, making his way into the kitchen and discovering the source of the commotion.

Todd spun around from where he was throwing more bread into the toaster and Dirk took the time to examine the area. It was rather disastrous, as expected. There was a mug of steaming coffee sat next to a machine still brewing more, crumbs and burnt pieces of toast laid out on the counter with various containers holding toppings adjacent to them, and a chunk of butter melting slowly beside the rectangular block where the rest of it was wrapped.

“Hey, Dirk.” Todd picked up a charred piece of bread and waved it in his direction. “How burnt do you like your toast?”

Dirk snorted. “I’d rather prefer it not burnt if that’s not too high of a culinary task for you to manage.”

“Oh, shut up,” Todd said. “This toaster sucks, and you’re a _terrible_ cook, so don’t even get me started.”

Dirk chuckled and climbed onto one of the spinning stools seated at the counter – one of the few actual perks of this boring place – leaning forward and watching as Todd went about making them a better breakfast.

“So, about last night…” Todd muttered while buttering the first properly cooked toast.

“Um, yes, last night…” Dirk echoed.

Todd stopped his movements and awkwardness filled the air. Then, they were both speaking in unison,

“It was—“

They froze, and Todd gestured for Dirk to speak first. _Oh joy_.

“Nice,” Dirk finished, voice just a little too high. “It was nice. You didn’t even steal the blankets.”

“You, uh, slept better then?”

“Much. How about you?”

“It was—yeah. It was easier.”

 “Great.”

Silence again. Dirk tapped his fingers absently on the counter and Todd hurried to continue buttering toasts. Dirk opened and closed his mouth twice before giving up on trying to say more. This was ridiculous. Perhaps he never should have—

“Do you want to keep doing it?” Todd asked suddenly.

Dirk gaped. “Wh-what?”

Todd ducked his head and Dirk couldn’t miss the pink in his ears. “You know, spending the night together. It seemed to be helpful and stuff. Maybe we should keep doing it until all this blows over.”

Dirk’s whole stomach did a strange somersault and he had to bite back the grin that began forming against his will. He forced a nonchalant shrug. “That would be fine. Totally fine. If you think that’s best, then I think it’s best too, and we should certainly do it since it’s… best.”

Todd smirked, and Dirk mentally cursed himself for failing so thoroughly at his attempt to play it cool.

“Guess it’s a plan then.”

\--

**August 13**

Continually sleeping beside one another was proving to be an intelligent strategy. The second night was awkward at first, with both scooting as far away as possible and avoiding eye contact, not exactly knowing where to begin on a night in which they were both fully conscious and starkly aware of the other just a few feet away. When they slowly shifted into discussing random subjects, they started to relax and moved closer together, still mumbling nonsense as they drifted off into a blessedly pleasant slumber. The third night went off without a hitch and Dirk mused that he wouldn’t mind keeping up this routine even after they returned home. Surely Todd was tired of his tiny bedroom and would prefer to stay in Dirk’s much nicer one with him, and perhaps – if Dirk dared to be so bold in thinking it – Todd found this new arrangement to be as comforting as he did. _Perhaps_.

There was definitely some new evidence of certain… _stuff_ going on. Touches that lingered a little too long, a higher frequency of blushes, stares that held a million mysterious words left unspoken, and eyes that locked intensely before hastily turning away. Dirk didn’t want to get his hopes too high, but the idea of mutuality was too thrilling to leave alone completely.

When Dirk awoke the morning after their third night together, he was greeted to Todd perched on the edge of the bed, waving a mug of tea under Dirk’s nose until it roused him into a sitting position. He sipped at it tentatively as Todd took his coffee back off the bedside table. Only he didn’t join in on drinking and was instead staring amusedly at Dirk.

“And what exactly is so funny, Todd?” Dirk asked, raising his eyebrows skeptically.

“Your hair.”

“Excuse you, my hair is—“

“Sticking up ridiculously in every direction,” Todd pointed out. “You have serious bedhead.”

Dirk blushed. _Stupid hair. Somehow getting messed up during the night and ruining… chances._

He ran his fingers through it hastily, trying to fix it up as best he could from his current position. Todd only laughed.

“You don’t have to worry about it, you know,” he said, eyes practically sparkling. “It’s a little funny, but it’s also really cute.”

Dirk’s hand froze in his hair. Todd’s face blanched.

“I, uh, I mean— pancakes!” Todd exclaimed, jumping up from his spot. His coffee sloshed dangerously in the mug, spilling over just a little. “You want pancakes for breakfast, Dirk?”

Dirk blinked. “I—“

“Great, I’m gonna go make those!” With a forced grin, Todd moved swiftly out of the room before Dirk could get two more words out. _Wildly suspicious._

He frowned and removed his hand from his hair. His apparently very _cute_ hair.

Before he could go near bonkers trying to decode what that could possibly mean in the grand scheme of things, a loud clanging pulled him roughly back into reality. Apparently, Todd wasn’t having the most peaceful of times either.

Well, there was no use hiding in the bedroom all day. He didn’t want it to seem as if a single inane word from Todd was making his head spin in the best sort of way – even though, yes, in confidence, that was most certainly what was happening.

On his very short trip to the kitchen, an overabundance of possible conversation restarters swirled in his mind.

_So, is it just my hair that’s cute or would you consider me, as a whole person, cute as well?_

_You’re quite cute too, are you aware?_

_Should we perhaps talk about whatever is going on here? Because it’s definitely **something**._

_I said we should get ice cream after all this is over, but now I’m thinking it should be less of a casual friend thing and more of a strolling-in-the-park-while-holding-hands date type thing._

It was hard to decide which one was best to go with in this situation. So naturally, he ultimately settled on something completely different.

“I can help you with those pancakes, Todd.”

Todd stared at him incredulously. “You can’t cook.”

“You really have no faith in me, do you?”

“I’ve known you for over a year now, Dirk, and not once have you given me a reason to believe that you were capable of cooking something without ruining it.”

Ah, and they were back. The air being relatively cleared was nice, but a pang in Dirk’s chest insisted that maybe he should have said something different. He pushed it down. He’d gotten quite good at doing such things.

“Very rude of you, hogging all those ingredients for yourself and then _insulting_ me. Farah bought us that pancake mix to share if you remember correctly, which means we should have equal part in making them.”

Todd rolled his eyes. “Fine, fine. You can help, but if they get ruined, I’m blaming you.”

“Oh, come on! They’re just pancakes!” Dirk insisted. “How difficult could they possibly be?”

\--

“You _had_ to say it, didn’t you, Dirk?”

“It’s… not so bad?”

“ _In what universe_?”

Okay, so it was _really_ bad. The kitchen was an absolute mess, and Dirk had no idea how they’d arrived there. Things were going so well for a few minutes! The batter was being mixed efficiently, the stove was on, and the pan was set up and ready. It was somewhere in the middle that they managed to destroy their first batch before even attempting to cook it, burn their second batch, spill pancake mix over the whole counter, get water and batter on the floor and on themselves, and set off the smoke detector three separate times. Really, he thinks they deserved some sort of credit; not many people could somehow fuck up in such a masterful way.

“… Well, probably not ours,” Dirk mumbled.

Todd sighed, uncrossing his arms and trailing his eyes over their disaster. “Jesus, we suck at this.”

“Not completely, Todd!” Dirk said, gesturing happily to the plastic plate that had a small stack of relatively presentable pancakes piled onto it. “We’ve still made ourselves a decent looking breakfast.”

“And we only had to sacrifice the kitchen to Satan to make it possible.”

“Maybe not the way to look at it, but….”

“But?”

“ _But_ , if Satan were known to find pleasure in destroying kitchens, I would be fairly confident that he stopped by to pay us a visit.”

“Wonderful.”

Dirk watched in silence as a stray bit of water on the counter dripped off the edge and into an already present puddle on the floor.

“There were like _two steps_ to this recipe,” Todd muttered helplessly.

“Yes, we really are quite terrible at this, aren’t we?”

“I swear the universe has some sort of vendetta against us.”

“Far stranger things have happened.”

Todd threw his hands up in surrender. “You know what, whatever. Let’s eat, and clean this mess up later.”

“Agreed,” Dirk said, pulling three pancakes from the stack onto another plate and proceeding to drown them in syrup.

They were half covered when a ray of sunlight filtered in through the window and illuminated the room in its warmth. Dirk glanced over at Todd to make a comment about it and his breath caught. The light shone around Todd like a halo and reflected exquisitely off his eyes, emphasizing the blue in his irises. How was it even _conceivable_ for that bright, beautiful shade of blue to exist in someone’s eyes? It seemed impossible, and with the life he led, Dirk didn’t throw that word around frivolously.

It was lucky he’d decided to look at Todd when he did, lest he miss the sight before him. It almost seemed like a sign; a tiny push to take control of what he was feeling.

“You have very nice eyes, Todd,” Dirk blurted.

Todd’s head snapped up from his plate, and his stare was wide when it locked on Dirk’s. “I… what?”

“Your eyes,” Dirk repeated, face burning. “They’re nice. You gave me a compliment of sorts earlier, it’s only fair I return one, and I think your eyes are nice. And blue. Very blue.”

A touch of colour filled Todd’s cheeks. “Thanks, I— _oh shit_ , Dirk!”

Dirk yelped, immediately realizing the problem. The syrup that had long since filled his plate was now seeping across the counter and towards its perimeters.

“Damn!” he exclaimed, dropping the bottle from his hands as if it had electrocuted him and taking a step back. A decision not carefully made as his bare foot slid in one of the puddles and he went plummeting to the ground. His arms flailed wildly in the air and he urgently grabbed onto the first solid thing available – which just so happened to be the back of Todd’s shirt, and sent his friend falling down with him.

They both crashed onto their backs with a _thump_ and let out groans in unison.

It was all terribly dreadful, but at least they hadn’t ended up in an awkward romantic situation where one of them came tumbling on top of the other.

“I am an absolute disaster,” Dirk muttered when the wave of pain vanished.

“You are,” Todd agreed.

“Thanks.”

“You’re lucky I’m in the same boat.”

“That I am.”

“Still, I’m never letting you cook again.”

“I wouldn’t expect anything different.”

\--


	5. Wanna Dance with Somebody

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Titles come, of course, from I Wanna Dance with Somebody by Whitney Houston. It's very relevant for this chapter. ;)

**August 14**

The issue with hiding out in a singular place for over a week was that besides reading, flipping between the five terrible television channels, discussing nonsense to get their minds off the situation, sleeping, and the occasional cooking blasphemy, there wasn’t all that much to _do_. Ever since Blackwing, Dirk had never been compelled to stay in one small location for too long, it was simply… uncomfortable, to put it lightly. If he could help it, he would always find ways to get out and explore all the universe had to offer.

Regrettably, with such unpredictability involved in their current predicament, he had to push aside any grievances and personal desires and power through. Farah had said it would only be a few more days, and he would have to take her word on that. He needed to simply put faith in her abilities and pray this whole fiasco would be over soon.

At least, when it came to feeling restless, Dirk was not alone. Similarly to the day in the office when everything went wrong, Todd seemed almost as desperate for something exciting to do as he did.

“Have you felt like getting out of here and following the will of the universe lately?” Todd asked while lounging on the couch, _The Fellowship of the Ring_ resting opened on his chest. “Seems like there should be _something_ after this long.”

Dirk frowned and continued to distractedly bend the sheets of paper scattered on the floor around him to build some sort of structure. “No, actually. I haven’t had a proper hunch since we arrived. I suppose this is where we’re meant to be right now if that’s any comfort.”

“It’s really not.”

“You’re just as sick of being trapped in here as me then?”

“I feel like I’m gonna lose it, Dirk.”

Dirk pushed aside his lopsided paper pyramid and hopped to his feet, eyes roaming the room as if for the first time. “There must be something in here left to uncover. Hidden secrets! Mysterious clues! Anything that could provide us with a little bit of _fun_ , perhaps!”

Todd groaned. “There’s nothing.”

“Oh come on, Todd, you lazy man, get up and help me explore. If we try hard enough I’m sure we can make _something_ seem more exciting than it truly is!”

“We could take the house apart and count how many insects are inevitably crawling underneath the floorboards?” Todd drawled.

“That’s disgusting, and not at all what I was trying to get at.”

“Okay, yeah, I didn’t really want to see that anyway.”

“Then why make the suggestion?”

“First thing that popped into my head.”

“In that case, you have a very strange mind, Todd Brotzman.”

Todd scoffed. “Only trying to help.”

“You know I hate bugs, you’re just being an irritant,” Dirk said, rolling his eyes.

“Whatever.” Todd laid his book on the coffee table and trailed after Dirk, who was inspecting a strange piece of artwork hung on the wall near the television. “Do you think they might have DVDs stashed away somewhere? There’s a player.”

“Hmm, perhaps! Maybe in one of the dressers or hidden at the back of a closet!” Dirk stepped away from the wall and re-evaluated where the most prominent drawers and hiding spots were located in the small house.

There were multiple drawers and cupboards in the kitchen, but not much besides paper cutlery and an old coffee machine filled their empty space. That was out. There was an amber wooden dresser in the master bedroom, which was empty prior to their arrival, and was now filled with their clothes – originally only Todd’s until Dirk had intermingled his when they began sharing the room. There were small closets in both that room and the other small bedroom Dirk had been previously occupying. Although he couldn’t recall anything of significance being in them, they were worth looking into again, as was the larger closet on the edge of the living room.

“You take the bedroom closets, and I’ll take that one?” Dirk asked with an appropriately pointed finger.

“Sounds like a plan,” Todd agreed.

Dirk made a beeline for the nearby closet as Todd trudged away, throwing open the door and taking a step inside. While it wasn’t exactly a walk-in closet, there was still room for him to fit and close the door behind him if the need for such a thing ever arose. There were plastic hangers placed on the bars for the renter’s use, and Dirk had taken advantage by putting up the only three leather jackets he’d been able to pack with him. The floor held nothing besides his and Todd’s shoes and all that was left to examine was the top shelf. His gaze roamed upwards and found a small box sitting off to one side.

“Aha!” he exclaimed, excitedly pulling it down. It was plastic, looking to be some sort of storage. He unlocked the sides and threw open the top, leaning forward to see what treasures could be concealed in—“Oh.”

Nothing. Some old storage bin with _nothing_ in it. What was the _point_ of that?

He sighed and reluctantly pushed it back to its original space. He was prepared to yell back at Todd and tell him there was nothing interesting to be uncovered when another object registered in his peripheral vision. He whipped towards it. A rectangular thing, pushed back against the wall, seeming almost a part of it, as it was coloured the same tan as the paint. Intrigued, he reached out to grasp onto the new item and examined it.

His whole body practically sprung back to life when he realized what it was, joy bubbling up in his throat.

“Todd! _Todd_! I found something!” he shouted, bouncing on his toes.

His earlier suspicions of their mutual boredom were confirmed even further when the sounds of Todd bounding back to the living room filled the area. Dirk laughed to himself and spun around to wave his newfound discovery in the air for his friend to see.

“A radio?” Todd asked, tentative excitement creeping into his voice.

“A radio!” Dirk confirmed. “We can listen to _music_!”

Usually, music was an everyday privilege, accessible from their phones, their two record players – one that Todd insisted they needed to have when they moved into their apartment, and the other that Dirk had purchased for the agency’s office to please him – plus the occasional occurrence of Todd playing something of his own on his electric or acoustic guitar. The third possibility was always Dirk’s favourite; seeing Todd in his musical element was a _wonder_ , and he soaked up every instant he got to experience it. That aside, with no guitars, record players, or usable phones, they couldn’t experience music in any way for over a week.

Todd, especially, seemed to be struggling without it, and Dirk couldn’t help the giddiness coursing through him when he saw how this made Todd’s eyes light up and his lips curl into a genuine grin.

“Well, let’s see if it works!” Todd declared.

Dirk nodded enthusiastically, rushing to set the radio on the coffee table and playing around with its various buttons. While he was turning knobs on the front, Todd huffed a laugh and clicked something on the back, causing the sound of static to erupt from it. Todd joined Dirk in adjusting the knobs until the noise shifted into the crooning voice of some singer or another yelling something about “dreaming on”.

Todd let out an excited yelp and fell backwards onto the couch, bouncing on it for a second before mimicking the guitar and drums with his hands, and lip-syncing the lyrics. Dirk smiled fondly at the sight, chest suddenly feeling twenty times lighter as he watched him.

There was always something so endearing about seeing Todd let himself go and truly enjoy a moment. The small instances of taking control of a situation and living in a way that made him seem so whole and elated. Dirk’s eyes didn’t stray from Todd for the rest of the song when he erupted into small giggles and sank back against the couch.

Dirk moved to join him so they could quietly listen together when the next song began and a familiar, upbeat opening filled the room. He froze on the spot.

_Oh, this was bloody **fantastic.** _  

“Do you hear what’s playing?” Dirk enthused.

“Uh, Whitney Houston?” Todd said, clearly less than pleased. Unsurprising, considering his preferred music was usually loud and full of angst and rebelliousness.   

Dirk took a step back into a more open space where he could freely move around as he so pleased and began bouncing on his feet in tune with the beat. The booming, cheery bouts caused the smile on his face to widen.

“It’s the dancing song, Todd!”

Todd scoffed. “The—really? So, what, you’re gonna dance to it?”

“Yes, of course!” he replied, halting his bounces when the song shifted in tone and the vocals were introduced. He transitioned to swaying, a common dance move he’d seen in many of the clubs he’d wandered through for cases. His arms shifted with his body, and he waved his hands lowly back and forth in an attempt to match the rhythm.

Todd laughed, and Dirk took it as encouragement, snapping his fingers along to the verse and spinning around once in a circle.

_I've done alright up ‘til now_   
_It's the light of day that shows me how_   
_And when the night falls, loneliness calls_

The music picked up again, and Dirk returned to jumping around to the rhythm, swaying and twirling and occupying a great area of the room. He didn’t know the words quite well enough to sing along, and he wasn’t sure if this was considered proper dancing, but it was enjoyable nonetheless.

He lent his hand out to Todd.

“Come on!” he encouraged.

Todd shook his head, amused. “Nope, not a chance.”

“What?” Dirk pouted. “Why not?”

“You look like a dork.”

“So? It’s called having fun! Surely you’ve heard of _fun_ , Todd.”

Todd made a disgusted face. Keeping up that customary _I’m a grumpy arsehole_ act, it seemed. Dirk pulled his hand back and returned to his “dorky” dance, waving his arms around in different, more exaggerated movements.

“What have you got to lose?” Dirk called. “Honestly, there’s no one else watching, it’s just us, and surely sitting on the couch observing isn’t better than participating!”

“You look like you’re having a good enough time by yourself.”

“Good _enough_ , I suppose, but everything’s better with you!”

Todd’s eyed widened, and Dirk found he was becoming fonder and fonder of the way he flushed whenever certain compliments were given. Perhaps that was a completely natural reaction – rather than a _something more_ like he was secretly hoping – he could never be sure. Especially when in only a few seconds Todd had managed to shake out of his trance.

Dirk distracted himself with his continued motions, shifting back and forth to the second verse until he was no longer focused on what exactly his body was doing and just letting it all happen. He couldn’t find it in him to be embarrassed, even as Todd’s undivided attention caused his heart rate to increase a touch.

“Come and dance!” he said, locking eyes with Todd as Whitney Houston built up to another chorus.

Todd sighed and smiled at Dirk in that signature way of his that meant, _you’re absolutely ridiculous, and I don’t know what to do with you, but I’m going to follow your lead anyway_. “Fine, fine.”

Dirk squealed excitedly, and offered Todd his hand once more, pulling him to his feet as the song blew back up.

_[Oh, I wanna dance with somebody](https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1861/43407932134_06eafbf845_b.jpg) _

Dirk gripped Todd’s other hand and swung their arms together back and forth as he hopped side to side, falling just slightly offbeat with the music. Todd made a valiant effort at suppressing a grin, only failing to let his small smile grow when Dirk spun their arms in a circle over their heads, winding them both around in a full turn. They pulled apart afterwards, eyes still locked as they shimmied and twisted, never pulling anything more elegant than the simple shaking of their bodies and whirling of their limbs. Laughter filled the air, short little fits that would halt their movements briefly, sometimes causing them to double over before they regained what little composure they possessed and continued their dances.

Todd cranked the radio up, and if they were in their apartment, Dirk knew there would be a banging on their door and a complaint about the level of noise immediately. As it was, they were miles from their physical home, and as far as Dirk was concerned, they could do whatever the hell they pleased as long as it didn’t shatter the windows.

The song was following a rather simple pattern and Dirk had heard it on a few occasions, thus as it continued, it became easy to quietly sing along. Todd instantly realized what he was doing and the little cackles that erupted from his lips were simultaneously the most outrageous and delightful thing in the entire world. Dirk’s following giggles were inevitable, and his grin a permanent fixture, when Todd started to loudly sing along with him.

_Yeah, I wanna dance with somebody  
With somebody who loves me_

Despite the project name he’d been assigned in Blackwing so many years prior, Dirk had never possessed the ability to fly. If he were to speculate upon what the sensation was like, however, he’d assume it would feel something similar to this: elation bubbling in his chest, losing his breath as he floated well above reality, going higher and higher up but feeling safe and secure, like he could not fall because he was made to soar, and with Todd by his side, he’d never become Icarus.

By the time the song slowly came to a close, they were both breathless, and sweat was beginning to stick to the back of Dirk’s neck. Their laughter was nothing more than small huffs and Dirk’s stomach ached in the best possible way.

“That was _amazing_!” Dirk enthused when the last notes faded out.

“Yeah,” Todd breathed, “it was. I guess you were right, this is the most fun I’ve had in weeks.”

Dirk opened his mouth to suggest they keep going when the opening of the next song began, and it offered something entirely different. This tune was another he recognized, a slow and romantic ballad that would require an entirely different sort of dancing.

“God, there really is no genre consistency with these songs, is there?” Todd asked and shook his head, disappointment flickering in his eyes as he reluctantly stepped back towards the couch.

Dirk’s hand shot out to grip his wrist, stopping him in his tracks. Todd’s questioning eyes turned to meet his.

Dirk swallowed back his nerves. “The universe put this song on, you know.”

“The—no, Dirk, the DJ at the radio station did.”

“Ah, yes, right, still, I was thinking... have you ever slow danced, Todd?”

Todd stared at him as if he were a Rubik’s cube that he couldn’t quite solve. “Uh, yeah, once or twice. Why?”

“Do you want to do it again? Right now? With—with me?” he asked, smiling tentatively as his heart threatened to beat right out of his chest.

Todd’s lips parted in surprise and they both fell silent, the room filling with only the radio’s music that had now transitioned into its first lyrics. Dirk knew the song, had heard it plenty when he was young before the world had come crumbling down around him.

_Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick,_   
_And think of you_   
_Caught up in circles confusion_   
_Is nothing new_

“You want to—with—seriously?” Todd sputtered, blush returning to slowly make its way across his cheeks and up to his ears.

Dirk tugged on his wrist lightly, pulling him back to his side. “I want to dance with you, Todd. If that’s… alright, of course.”

“I—y-yes!” Todd exclaimed, plastering on a smile, genuine and wobbly. “I’ll dance with you. Do you—I mean, have you ever done this before?”

“Not even once,” Dirk admitted. “I was thinking perhaps you could teach me?”

“I’m, uh, not really an expert.”

“Not a problem. I’m not trying to be a professional dancer.”

Todd rolled his eyes good-naturedly and stepped closer into Dirk’s space. He removed Dirk’s grip on his wrist in order to intertwine their hands.

“There’s more than one way to do this, but this is probably a good start. Just take your other arm…“ Todd guided it across his middle, directing Dirk to wrap it loosely around him, so he was resting his hand on Todd’s upper back. “This should be good. And then I’ll…” His other hand came to lay on Dirk’s shoulder, tugging marginally to bring them even nearer to each other, close enough that surely Todd had caught Dirk’s sharp intake of breath.

Todd stared up at him with those big, gorgeous eyes and Dirk swore if the universe itself imploded at that very moment, he wouldn’t have even noticed.

“O-oh. Yes, this—this certainly seems like something. Excellent work with that,” Dirk muttered and could shamefully feel his own face burning up.

Todd’s smile softened. “From here, we sort of just sway and move around a little.”

Todd rocked them to the side with their clasped hands, extending his elbow out a touch, before drawing it back inwards, then leaned them over in the opposite direction, and repeat. It was a simple enough routine to follow, even when side steps were added into the mix. The worrying thing was their proximity, which was causing a whole influx of emotions to rush insanely through Dirk.

There were only a few inches separating them and their gazes seemed to be magnetically locked onto each other. Dirk’s palms were starting to garner a bit of sweat, and he was certain that their closeness would soon cause Todd to hear how loudly his heart was thumping. He’d never experienced this type of intimacy before, had never even fantasized about a situation such as this, leaving the whole dance to feel like some sort of elaborate dream. If Dirk wasn’t positively captivated by their swaying, he might have pinched himself.

“I really like this song,” Dirk blurted, in a feeble attempt to break the heavy tension. “It’s lovely.”

Todd huffed out a laugh, and Dirk actually _felt_ the warm air against his face, _dear lord_. “Yeah, it’s not so bad.”

Dirk blinked. “Am I going deaf, or did you just acknowledge that you are actually _liking_ a mainstream pop ballad?”

“Oh, shut up,” Todd said, and Dirk quietly giggled, relaxing further into their dance and allowing his lips to curve upward.

They continued their movements, and Dirk let the lyrics of the song flow through him, wondering if such a thing could ever ring true for the two of them. To have Todd remain by his side, clinging to him as he currently was, for the rest of time. He almost wanted to ask as they somehow ended up gravitating even closer, Todd a mere breath away when the hook of the song returned.

_If you're lost you can look--and you will find me_  
_Time after time_  
 _If you fall I will catch you--I'll be waiting_  
 _Time after time_

“This is nice,” Todd murmured.

“Very nice, indeed,” Dirk agreed. “And I’d say we’re quite good at this.”

“You picked up on it fast. I thought you’d be tripping over my feet and we’d keep awkwardly clashing.”

“Well, luckily for you, I have more hidden talents than originally anticipated.”

A strange look flashed across Todd’s face. “Yeah, uh, lucky me.”

“Not quite the reaction I was expecting. You okay?” Dirk asked.

“Mmm, just thinking about some stuff.”

Thinking. A very tricky thing when involved in such a compromising and wonderful situation.

“Well, how about instead of thinking, I distract you with this?” Dirk offered, stepping back and gripping Todd’s hand at arm’s length before spinning him around in a slow circle. Todd laughed, staring at Dirk with fond amusement. Dirk found himself giggling in response as he drew them back into their original position.

“Guess you’ve got some moves after all,” Todd said.

“Of course I do,” Dirk agreed.

Thankfully, Todd didn’t make another comment, leaving the words on the edge of Dirk’s mind trapped there. A quiet fell over them that could perhaps be qualified as dangerous, this whole thing pushing hard against lines he and Todd hadn’t dared to step across. It was difficult, sometimes, for Dirk to even admit there was more he wanted from the person who’d given his life more meaning than he knew. It wasn’t fair for him to crave romance, and maybe it would be best for Todd if he ran in the other direction.

Only, he wouldn’t do that. He was right here. He _chose_ to be here, despite everything, with Dirk, dancing and pressed together almost entirely _. Oh god,_ Dirk could just—

“I want you to know something,” Todd said, jolting Dirk out of his trance.

“Wha—yes, certainly, absolutely. What is it?” Dirk asked.

Todd hesitated, eyes averting downward, across the room, and then back to meet Dirk’s. “I realized that I… that as long as I’m breathing, I want to be with you.”

Dirk froze, effectively stopping them both in their tracks. His throat felt as if it were closing up, and he had to force out a shaky exhale. _He… Todd wanted…_

_Oh god,_ he realized, as he stared back at an unsteady smile of pure sincerity, _I love him. I love him **so much**._

He’d loved him for weeks – _no_ , months – or perhaps, if he were truly honest, since the very end of their first case together, after only a week of beginning to pull back the curtain of who Todd Brotzman really was.

He hovered his foot over their imaginary line.

“You know, Todd,” he said, voice strained, “there’s this whole, tricky thing with the universe. It always wants to pull me in whatever direction it pleases, into whatever situations it thinks I’m supposed to fix for it. It’s unpredictable on the very best of days, but it’s not… it’s not the driving force I always make it out to be. I can fight against it. And I don’t care what measures I’ll have to take, I’m going to give you your wish. No matter what happens, I promise I’m never going to leave your side.”

“Dirk…” Todd whispered.

Dirk’s brain short-circuited, and suddenly all he could focus on was Todd’s hopeful expression and the fact that his lips were a few scant inches from his own. Leaning closer was a similar compulsion to following the will of the universe, not knowing entirely where he was headed, yet knowing somehow, it was _right_.

His eyes fell shut as he finally closed in, upper lip just about brushing Todd’s lower when—

Off the phone rang, a loud, shrill screech that erupted throughout the room and caused Dirk’s eyes to fly back open. Abruptly, the two of them released each other, jumping back and creating several feet of space between them.

“I-I’ll go get that,” Todd said, scurrying off to the kitchen where the landline was located.

“Splendid idea, that’s, that’s…” Dirk muttered, trailing off once Todd had disappeared from sight.

_Shit. What had he done?_

On a strange sort of autopilot, he moved to lower the volume of the radio, quieting it to a mere whisper as the song came to its end. He might as well do something helpful, giving Todd some peace as he chatted on the phone with Farah.

His head was spinning and nausea was clawing its way up his throat when he sat down on the couch and buried his head in his hands. Why had he tried making some sort of a move? Was he _insane_? Sure, in the moment, it seemed like a marvellous idea, but he hadn’t even focused on if Todd was leaning in with him or not! He had not a single clue whether Todd truly reciprocated. The way they scurried away from each other at the first possible opportunity certainly wasn’t helping Dirk’s odds.

He was such an idiot. He never thought things through! He always just wandered wherever his instincts took him and didn’t even consider the possible fallout of his actions! What if this whole thing _ruined_ his friendship with Todd?

_No, no, no,_ the rational part of his brain argued, _that wouldn’t happen_. Dirk knew Todd well enough to understand that even if awkward one-sided feelings became an issue, it would not be the deciding factor in him leaving if he ever should – _which he shouldn’t. He’d **told him** so._

While fear still gripped at Dirk’s insides and threatened to pull them apart, such logic was enough to make the bile rising from the pits of his stomach settle back down.

“That’s—that’s great, Farah!” He heard Todd exclaim from the kitchen, voice much cheerier than when he’d escaped.

Dirk perked up, keeping his ears alert to the conversation in an attempt to catch more. Todd’s volume had lowered back down to indistinguishable mumbles, so it was hard to fully understand what was happening, however, if he had to make a bet on it…

Todd rounded the corner back to the living room only a few minutes later, relief clear on his face.

“Dirk,” he said, “by the end of tomorrow we should be going home.”

\--


	6. Fall on Your Knees

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title comes from Tuning Out... by Bastille. Kind of a weird song, but I listened to it a lot in the background while I was initially writing this chapter.

**August 15**

One would assume that the news of Dirk and Todd’s upcoming departure from their small and rather dull environment would provide an increase in contentment and ease for them. If the news had arrived a few days prior, Dirk was confident there would have been an outright celebration.

As it was, Farah had somehow timed her call at the very worst possible second and had left the atmosphere in a somewhat awkward state. There was a question floating between them that neither dared to open their mouths and inquire about. It was… disconcerting, and nothing involving him and Todd should ever feel that way.

It would be simple to end it; to turn to Todd and tell him outright that he had feelings for him, and ask if, perhaps, he returned any of those feelings. This style of dancing, where they twirled around and around the topic most needing to be discussed, was not enjoyable in any way. Yet Dirk still found himself avoiding any admittances, even when they lay back to back in bed that night and it was the most uncomfortable they’d been since beginning to share the space.

The outrageous unresolved tension between them aside, going home and being relatively safe _was_ a greatly appealing concept.

Farah, Amanda and the Rowdy 3 had managed to track down four different people – three men, and one woman – who were directly involved with Jarrett. Apparently, it hadn’t been hard to capture them and pry out information regarding where they operated. After some careful examining of the building they’d been referred too, Farah had confirmed there were at least two others inside, and one of them matched Todd’s description of Jarrett. She and Amanda had taken immediate action, gathering their weapons and determining that by noon on the current day, August 15, they would have defeated all the bad guys.

The clock had recently passed ten in the morning when Dirk and Todd sat on the couch, seated as far away as possible, and carefully avoiding the exchange of more than a few words.

It was getting absolutely _ridiculous_.

Dirk’s fidgety gaze darted around the room, searching for something other than the radio that could possibly provide them with some sort of entertainment and bring them back to… _them_. He practically lit up when he remembered the DVD player placed on the shelf below the television.

“Do you want to watch a movie, Todd?” he blurted.

Todd’s eyebrows were knit when he stared over at him. “We don’t have anything to watch, remember?”

_Shit_ , he was right.

Dirk sighed. “That—that is a problem, indeed.”

“But, hey,” Todd said, expression softening, “if you could theoretically pick anything to watch, what would you pick?”

“Hm.” Dirk rested his hand on his chin, considering carefully. “I feel as if we are in desperate need of a Disney movie.”

Todd scoffed. “Of course you do.”

“Seriously!” Dirk enthused. “It would be _perfect_ for this particular moment, what with all the stress we’ve been through! I know you’re sick of watching Lilo and Stitch, so I would choose something different for the occasion, I swear.”

Todd laughed in response and some of the tension in Dirk’s body rushed out at the sound. “God, you know, if that were possible, I’d actually agree.”

“What if it was?” Dirk asked before he could think better of it. “Do you recall passing a Wal-Mart a few minutes before we first arrived here?”

“Uh, yeah, I think so.”

“Wal-Mart sells movies.”

Todd frowned. “Dirk, I really don’t think leaving is the best idea. We can watch whatever movie you want when we get home, okay? For now just—“

“Oh, come on, look at the time! We should be expecting our call from Farah within the hour. There’s no way she, your sister and the Rowdy 3 won’t handle the bad guys! Besides, they’re all confirmed to be in _Montana,_ Todd. We’re nowhere near there.” Dirk sat up straighter, raising a finger in the air to punctuate his points. “What we _are_ near is Wal-Mart! It would probably be, what, fifteen minutes away on foot? That’s nothing! I could go and pick us something out and be back before you know it!”

“Wait, you want to go _alone_?”

“Well, yes, I uh...” Dirk paused, struggling for a way to word it that didn’t come off as rude. In all honesty, he was in desperate need of some space, just a few minutes away from Todd, in order to wrap his head around their situation and decide how to proceed with the whole feelings… thing. “I thought you might want some space. Surely being trapped with me for over a week has been very difficult, and it would do us both some good to spend a little time apart.”

A flash of hurt crossed Todd’s face, and Dirk internally cursed himself. He never said the _right_ thing, did he? He opened his mouth to apologize, only for Todd to shake his head, expression hardening and all traces of hurt disappearing. “If—if that’s what you want, then fine, alright.”

“I didn’t—”

“No, it’s—” Todd sighed. “Look, you have to be careful, okay? If you’re going to do this, stay low and blend in. Don’t draw any attention to yourself, don’t get distracted, and be back as soon as possible.”

Dirk nodded seriously and rose to his feet. “Understood. It’ll be like I’m invisible out there. You could call me Dirk Stealthy, master of silence!”

Todd rolled his eyes in a weak attempt to hide his amusement. “I’ll make us some popcorn for when you get back.”

“You’re brilliant, Todd,” Dirk said, shooting a dazzling smile his way before bounding towards the closet to grab a jacket. He quickly decided on his black one with the rainbow stripes, admittedly the tamest in his collection of bright colours. He threw it on and turned back to face Todd, who had stood up as well, and was watching him closely.

“Stay safe,” Todd said simply, causing a rush of warmth in Dirk that made him want to risk it all and press a quick kiss to Todd’s lips.

Instead, he reached over and patted his shoulder. “Don’t worry, I’ll be as swift as possible, and then we can celebrate going home with popcorn and Disney.”

He slipped his hand away, and the last thing he saw before exiting through the back door was the soft smile on Todd’s face.

\--

Dirk had missed the fresh air; the light summer breeze blowing his hair out of place, the sun beating down hot and comforting over his skin, the smell of barbecues and flowers drifting into his nose. It wasn’t quite the sensation of returning to society after months or _years_ locked away in a secret government facility, but enough time had passed that finally getting to stretch his legs again sent him into a state of ease.

Enough ease, in fact, that the blurriness and doubt clouding his mind while trapped so close to Todd had begun to evaporate. He had, perhaps, been fretting too much over nothing, because he could now clearly recall the hopeful look in Todd’s eyes before they both, _mutually_ , leaned closer the previous night.

They had been about to kiss. They had both _wanted_ to kiss.

The realization alone had him skipping down the sidewalk, humming to himself, and embracing how his heart beat fast in anticipation. Bugger his and Todd’s difficulty with emotions, he _was_ going to confess. He would finally take the risk and tell Todd the last secret he’d been hiding, then _hopefully_ they could try taking the next step in their relationship.

Maybe, Dirk should have been more hesitant, worrying that shifting things to a more romantic nature would cause their friendship to fall apart.

By some miracle, he wasn’t.

It wasn’t something he could truly explain, he just… _knew_ somehow. He was _meant_ to be with Todd, and that wouldn’t change, even if he severely miscalculated the other man’s feelings.

He grinned, bubbling with optimism as he mentally rehearsed how to propose this potential modification. A choice that, for once, he was making fully of his own free will.

\--

By the time Dirk arrived at Wal-Mart he was hastier than ever, eagerness causing him to rush around, only stopping when he required assistance actually finding the section of the store that sold movies.

He was skimming the shelves for _Tangled_ – his choice film to bring about a more romantic mood – and singing a cheery tune under his breath when he felt something shift inside him, a hunch from the universe that pulled at his very core.

He froze as a single word reverberated through him like an echo in an empty room.

_Run._

His smile slipped away, and his throat felt as if it were closing in, making it difficult to properly breathe. Despite it being over a week since he’d received a hunch of any sort, he hadn’t forgotten for even a moment what that insistent nudge was like. Accompanied with the mental warning was a tug on his subconscious that sought to drag him miles away from his current location, miles away from the house where Todd resided.

His blood ran cold.

_No. No, no, no, no, no._

Forgetting the DVDs, and his promise to remain inconspicuous, he defied the universe’s will for perhaps the first time in his life as he sprinted back through the store. People stopped to stare, one or two even snickering at him, and Dirk noticed none of it, only hearing the rushing in his ears, and fighting against his weak lungs as he raced out of the store and across the parking lot.

Stupid, stupid, _stupid,_ Dirk. How could he ever have left Todd all alone?

He had been so wrapped up in his own feelings and false sense of security that he hadn’t even _considered_ him leaving might have been exactly what Jarrett wanted. Why that was or how in the hell Farah had been wrong, remained a mystery, and not one he could concentrate on as he ran down the street, gasping heavily as he went.

He was forced to stop once along the way when his legs started wobbling and threatened to fall out from under him. He shook his head, leaning forward and taking in as much air as he could without choking. “D-Damn you. Useless, traitor legs, why—why won’t you work? You _have_ to work!”

He banged them hard, gritting his teeth when that only made their shaking more intense. Forcing himself past a sudden wave of nausea, he took a small step forward, then another, and another.

Three more blocks. He was _so_ close. He just had to try a little harder, keep shoving past his limits for long enough that he had a chance of beating the threat to the safe house, or at least get there before—

_No. Don’t. Think. Just **run**._

The remainder of his trek was a complete blur, and Dirk couldn’t say how many minutes flew by before he arrived back at the safe house if he tried. He raced to the back door and threw it open with trembling hands.

“Todd!” he screamed. “Todd, are you—?”

The words died on his lips when he registered the state of the house. The television had fallen from its stand, and lay broken, glass from the screen sweeping across the hardwood floor; the coffee table was turned on its side, three legs snapped off; the paintings were tilted in their places, dangerously close to crashing down. Tentative steps inside only revealed more chaos: the frying pan and Todd’s broken beer bottle on the kitchen tiles, dirty footprints etched onto the couch cushions, furniture pushed out of its place, and drops of blood littered around the room. The last of which, caused the rest of the breath to come rushing out of Dirk.

His vision became bleary, and a strangled cry escaped him. “ _TODD_!”

Part of him still held onto some misplaced hope, as if Todd would come running out of their bedroom at his call and shush him, tell him that he was there, that everything was alright, that he’d fought the intruders off and it wasn’t _his_ blood that Dirk was seeing.

Such hope was worthless. No one answered him, because no one was there. Todd was _gone_.

He collapsed onto his knees, no longer possessing the strength to stay standing or do anything besides let out a loud sob and bury his face in his hands. Choked, broken noises echoed around the empty room, reminding him over and over that he was alone, that his best friend was taken away from him and it was all his fault. _He’d_ done this. He’d dragged Todd into his life and selfishly kept him in it, even when every day it could’ve cost him his life, and now it very well might have.

_Oh god._ Todd deserved so much better. He should never have…

He jolted when the phone went off, ringing loudly, and bringing him out of his head. He sniffled, wiping at his eyes uselessly and stumbling over to it.

“Farah!” he gasped into the receiver. “Farah, something terrible has happened!”

“Terrible, huh?” A rough voice sneered.

Dirk gritted his teeth. “ _You_. Jarrett, isn’t it? What have you done with Todd? I swear if you’ve done anything to hurt him I’ll—“

“You’ll what?” Jarrett asked. “Seriously, I’d _love_ to know. You’re quite the anomaly, Icarus.”

He gulped, desperately trying to push all traces of sorrow from his voice. One of the first things he’d learned at Blackwing was crying didn’t help anything. This atrocious mistake of a man _couldn’t_ know how much his actions were tearing Dirk apart. It would only make the ultimate punishment that much worse.

“What are you talking about?” Dirk asked, voice still shaking slightly despite his very best attempt to calm down.

“We tried to kill you, you know. Five times in a single week. Somehow, you always avoided every shot we took at you,” Jarrett mused. “After we aimed a gun directly at your head and you stepped aside right before the bullet could hit you, we figured it was useless. It’s those devil abilities of yours.”

Dirk’s hands curled into fists, even as tears continued streaking down his face. “I don’t understand. Surely, if you were after me, there was some other way you could have achieved my death without involving Todd.”

“Maybe, but we weren’t exactly keen on trying any longer. Not when it was more than obvious just how close you were to your precious assistant.” Jarrett laughed. “I gotta hand it to you, Icarus, you picked a scrappy one. He fought us tooth and nail both times we took him. We had to cause a little more damage than expected to take him down, but you know how it is. Force was necessary.”

An uncomfortable shiver worked its way up Dirk’s spine. “Where is he? What do you _want_?”

“Mmm, I thought we made that clear before. We want you dead. Your kind is too unpredictable to be left living among the rest of us,” Jarrett answered. “The real question is, how much are you willing to sacrifice to save – _Todd_ , was it?”

“I…” Dirk squeezed his eyes shut. “Anything. I’ll do anything.”

“Perfect,” Jarrett said, amusement clear in his voice. “Now listen to me very carefully. In a few minutes, you’ll be receiving a text regarding our meeting’s location, and we’ll make the exchange there: your life for Todd’s. Turn your phone on or you’ll miss it. And come alone.”

“Wait, you have to send proof as well!” Dirk demanded. “That he’s alive.”

He _needed_ to be alive.

Jarrett snorted. “Fine, whatever. See you soon, Icarus.”

With that, the line went dead and Dirk was left once again in the too silent house. He clutched at the kitchen counter, knuckles turning white with how tightly he was gripping it.

He should _never_ have left the house. He should have stayed with Todd, and told him how he was feeling instead of running like a coward. Maybe he could have even taken action the previous night, cutting away the uncomfortable air and replacing it with soft words. He could have held Todd close and clung to him as tightly as he could for as long as it was possible. Maybe if they had stayed like that, hidden away together…

He shook his head, wiping at his eyes again, and wandering to the bedroom to retrieve his phone. When the screen lit up, he was immediately greeted with the promised message. He only briefly glanced at the meeting place and the specified time – a little under an hour – before focusing in on the attached photo file. He hovered his finger over it hesitantly before pressing down and watching as the image blew up.

Dirk sharply sucked in a breath at the sight. Todd was being held up by two tall and fit men, and his eyes were droopy as if he barely had the strength to remain conscious. There was a trail of blood at the corner of his mouth, dripping down past his chin, and the side of his face was covered in a nasty purple bruise. He was alive, sure, but he was _not_ alright.

“Oh, Todd…” he whispered, unable to stop staring even as his heart clenched painfully in his chest. “I’m so sorry.”

Dirk _detested_ this. He wanted to break apart Jarrett and his whole nonsense group and send them all away for life. To refuse their every request and march to that destination to heroically save both Todd’s life and his own.

Only, he wouldn’t dare to defy the man’s rules; there was far too much at stake.

Dirk _hated_ the idea, and he felt his hands begin to shake anew as he ran his decision over in his mind. He didn’t want to die. He had _so much_ more to live for. He had _friends_ , and his _dream job_ , and a direction he wanted to keep travelling in until he died a natural and peaceful death.

Unfortunately, the truth of the matter was that he didn’t want to live through any of it without Todd. He _wouldn’t_ , and if self-sacrifice was the only path to granting a long, contented life for Todd at least, then it wasn’t even a choice.

Blackwing had taken everything from him. His name, his childhood, his freedom, and now they would even take his life. But he would not let them take Todd Brotzman.

\--

Dirk’s hands were still trembling by the time he finally left the safe house. An unrelenting weight was resting heavily on his chest, and it took a great deal of strength to even take steps forward. Fear that he would be too late for their meeting was the only thing propelling him at a reasonable pace.

He’d loitered around for longer than strictly necessary and after lots of careful contemplation had fumbled around for some paper and sloppily written letters to Amanda, Farah, and Todd. He knew that any chance of gaining closure with Todd before… before he had to say goodbye, was impossible. Thinking logically for once, a letter seemed to be the only way to convey some of the crucial things he needed to establish with his best friend.

Only some, not everything. It _couldn’t_ be everything.

Finally arriving at the meeting place – an old warehouse on a shady, abandoned street a mere ten minutes away– caused bile to rise steadily in his throat. He steadied himself against the building’s perimeters, leaning heavily against them to stop his legs from giving out on him completely.

He pulled out his phone, clicking it open and hovering thoughtfully over Farah’s number. He needed a backup plan in case the bad guys decided to go back on their deal, while also still adhering to their rule of coming alone. Ultimately, he decided he didn’t have the words to attempt an explanation of what he was doing aloud and forwarded a simple text instead.

_Everything gone terribly wrong. Todd in danger. Get to 24 Edmond St. in exactly half an hour, or call the local police if you aren’t close enough._

Half an hour. If he had to make a bet on it, it would all be over within half an hour. He glanced up at the time on the device, and his heart caught in his throat.

This was it.

He powered off the device, pocketed it, and turned to the entryway of the building. He shut his eyes tightly, fighting back the tears that suddenly threatened to overwhelm him and prayed to every deity that may exist that Todd would not hate him for this.

The universe hadn’t relented in its attempts to guide him in the opposite direction, the pull more adamant now than it had ever been. It was a sign beyond doubt that to do this would be to go wholly against the universe’s flow, and it would be the end of him.

Maybe this had always been an inevitability. The universe had never cared about what he wanted, always taking him away from safety and home and using him to fulfill its own objectives. He’d always lived with that just fine, accepting his position as a tool to fix what was broken, and trying to enjoy it as much as he could. Then he’d met Todd Brotzman, and everything had changed.

The universe had made its most crucial misstep by introducing them. Something intrinsically linked the two of them together, and it was perhaps the strongest force Dirk had ever come across. It was inexplicable, yet ever-present. Todd was the only thing that could bring him to one space while the universe tried to direct him into another. And in this case, the universe could go fuck itself.

When he opened his eyes again, a new determination had settled in his core.

“Don’t panic,” he whispered to himself.

He grasped on tightly to the sort of bravery Todd possessed on a daily basis, and pushed open the screeching warehouse door.

\--

 


	7. The One Thing I Can't Lose

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title comes from Coming Apart by Red!

Unsurprisingly, given his tendency to get stuck in dangerous situations and bizarre locations, this wasn’t Dirk’s first visit to an abandoned warehouse. During his varied cases, he’d developed a long list of locations he would have preferred to _never_ return to, and this particular environment was near the top of it. Only this time, he wasn’t rushing inside to escape from a madman with a gun or tentatively creeping around at night with a flashlight in search of ghosts. It was funny how such insanities seemed almost tame now.

The whole building was terribly dingy, the ground covered in dirt and soot, and dust floating around visibly in the air. He would have wanted to sneeze if not for the added smell of must and something utterly _foul_ , which left him almost gagging. The structure itself was intact, apart from slivers in the steel walls where the sun’s rays shone brightly from outside. The room stretched out to a rather impressive length, and most of the space was barren, apart from the wood chips and metal pipes that were scattered across the floor.

Dirk didn’t need to look further than about thirty feet before his eyes fell on Jarrett, who was predictably standing by waiting for him. Dirk recognized him immediately from Assistent and Todd’s descriptions; he was in his mid-forties with sandy close-cropped hair, sharp features, and stood at an impressive height. He maintained a relatively professional appearance, dressed in a suit and hiding his eyes with a pair of ridiculously expensive-looking sunglasses. Dirk wondered if he still fancied himself some sort of government worker. It was more accurate to say he was the modern equivalent of a king on the site of an execution, about to lower his arm to give the official order. His stomach churned uncomfortably at the comparison.

A man and a woman stood on Jarrett’s right, wearing similar attire to him, perhaps being his second and third in command or his personal knights. Both had dark hair and blank features—the only notable feature on either being the man’s crooked nose—so unlike Jarrett whose face had filled with triumph the moment he took notice of Dirk.

Most concerning were the two men on Jarrett’s left, seeming very out of place in tacky Hawaiian shirts and shorts, like they were planning on heading off on vacation right after this measly murder. They were both rather fit and would have been almost laughable if not for the fact that both had equal grip on Todd’s shoulders, holding him up firmly. Dirk’s breath caught when he noticed Todd’s state; he seemed disoriented, eyes half-lidded and body drooping forward. If there were any positives, he at least didn’t seem anymore injured than he was in the photo, and he was most certainly alive. That was as good of a start as Dirk could hope for.

“Icarus!” Jarrett exclaimed. “I must admit, I’m a little surprised you actually came. Shut that door and come a little closer, please.”

Dirk tried not to visibly wince at the words, following the command and effectively cutting off a chunk of the natural light from the environment. Even eerier than before now… _perfect_. He took a few tentative steps forward before halting in his tracks, stance stiff and defensive. “Well, you didn’t exactly give me any other option.”

He caught sight of Todd beginning to stir, eyes blinking slowly, and lowered his voice to a whisper. “Todd? Todd, are you alright?”

The reaction was instantaneous. Todd jolted and stared at him with sudden alertness, as if he had never been out of the situation at all. When he spoke, his voice was not layered in sleepiness, instead wavering slightly in panic. “Dirk, what the hell are you doing here? Why would you—“

“Pathetic, isn’t it?” Jarrett interrupted. “He’s actually willing to take my deal.”

Todd froze. “No. No, don’t you even _think_ about it! Get out of here _now_!”

Dirk smiled sadly. “I can’t. Not when you’re trapped here.”

“Oh, how sweet,” Jarett crooned. “Who knew someone with so much power could be brought to his knees as easily as this? Fascinating, really. You know, we spent _months_ trying to discover weaknesses for some of the other subjects, but you, Icarus… it was a walk in the park discovering what we could use against you.”

“You, _shut up_!” Todd shouted, kicking back at the men holding him and trying to pull his trapped arms free. “If you lay one finger on him—“

He let out a shout of pain when the man on the right twisted his shoulder and roughly kicked him in the shin. Dirk moved closer on instinct and only remained at a respectable distance when Todd glared warningly at him.

Jarrett scoffed and leaned closer to Todd, grabbing his face in his hands and pulling him roughly up to meet his eyes. “What will you do? Please, enlighten me.”

“If you touch him, I swear to god I’ll make you suffer,” Todd seethed, tone so sinister that Dirk’s eyes widened a fraction. “I’ll kill every last one of you.”

Jarrett only laughed before shoving his face away. “Oh, you naïve boy. I’d like to see you try. I guarantee you wouldn’t get within twenty feet of me before—“

“Stop!” Dirk commanded. “You don’t get to make any more threats! That is not part of your stupid deal! You have to let him go and leave him _alone_.”

“Whoa there, just having a little fun. No harm in that, right?”

“Oh, you useless piece of shit,” Todd growled.

“Now, now, no need to gang up on me. We’re just here to make a nice, friendly exchange.”

“’Friendly’?! You think _murder_ is friendly? Who do you think you are, running around making threats and playing with life and death?!”

Jarrett sighed. “I almost feel sorry for you, Todd. You really have no idea what these people are capable of, do you? The type of power they hold is too dangerous to let wander around freely. They’re abominations.”

“You don’t have a damn clue about any of them!”

“Todd—” Dirk said softly.

“No, Dirk, don’t listen to a thing this asshole says! You don’t deserve any of that! You don’t…. you don’t even need to be here! I’m not worth any of this, please just get yourself—“

“I’ve already told you _no_! And don’t you dare try and tell me you aren’t worth it because you are damn well worth everything to me!”

Todd shook his head rapidly. “No, no, stop, shut up! Don’t you get it? I—“

“Enough already!” Jarrett yelled. “We are in the midst of an _exchange_ , not a soap opera! Svlad, you—“

“That’s _not_ his name!” Todd growled, face stone cold as he struggled hard against his captors once more.

Jarrett sighed. “I think I’ve heard enough from you.”

Before Dirk could fully register what was happening, Jarrett had drawn out a gun and was aiming it directly at Todd.

Dirk’s heart jumped into his throat. “ _No_!”

Jarrett pulled the trigger, and a piercing bang rang throughout the room, echoing painfully in Dirk’s ears. Todd let out a strangled cry as the bullet crashed through his left thigh, leaving a bloodied gap in its wake. The men holding him shoved him forcefully to the ground, and Jarrett pressed his boot hard onto Todd’s back, keeping him in place.

Tears filled Dirk’s eyes before he could stop them and he raised his arms in surrender. Pain rushed through him as if _he’d_ been the one shot. “P-Please, no more! We-we had a deal! Kill me already, just leave him alone!”

Todd whimpered. “N-no, Dirk…”

Dirk couldn’t see past his blurry vision, but he didn’t try and stop the tears from streaking down his face. There was no use in hiding them at this point. “Get your henchmen or whoever they are out of here, and guarantee Todd’s safety, then I’ll let you kill me. I don’t have any weapons, and I won’t fight you. Please… let him go.”

Jarrett’s lips curled up into a twisted smile. “Now we’re getting somewhere, I see. Very well, I’ll send the others away.”

The woman adjacent to Jarrett looked scandalized. “What? Jar, you can’t possibly—“

“Not to worry. He won’t try anything with his precious Todd on the line.”

Dirk’s hands pulled into tight fists, knuckles turning white with the pressure. He tried to keep his breathing from increasing to hyperventilation by focusing on Todd, who had begun to shake his head rapidly, muttering something Dirk couldn’t quite make out.

“I-I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Todd,” Dirk whispered.

Todd kept squirming from under Jarrett’s boot, trying to force him off but only making himself wince and groan in his attempts. Dirk could see the increased weight Jarrett was placing on Todd, and how he kicked him especially hard when his struggling proved to have some sort of effect.

“Don’t say that. Shut up, shut up, shut up,” Todd begged, eyes bright and damp and – _wait,_ was he actually– oh no, oh _shit,_ Dirk had really messed this whole thing up monumentally, hadn’t he?

“It’s done,” Jarrett announced, causing Dirk to jump and stare back up from Todd. He hadn’t even realized the others had been leaving the room. It was only the three of them now. It was nearly time.

“R-right,” Dirk mumbled, wiping at his eyes. He had to be strong. He couldn’t be on the verge of a breakdown during his final moments with Todd. He needed to let Todd know that _somehow_ he was going to be okay, even when he...

“I’m putting an awful lot of trust in you here, Icarus. So I’m going to need a bit more proof you’ll surrender as kindly as you say.” Jarrett stomped hard on Todd’s right arm, not reacting when Todd inhaled sharply and squeezed his eyes shut, before resting his foot back on its original position. “I can break him further, don’t forget that.”

Dirk rushed to turn out the empty pockets of his jacket before shucking it off and tossing it aside like it meant absolutely nothing. He pulled his phone out of his trousers’ pocket, flashing it towards Jarrett before smashing it forcefully against the hard ground, letting it break into tiny pieces. He kicked aside his shoes and slipped off his socks, as if those held any further doubts. All the while, Jarrett watched him as employees of Blackwing used to – carefully, with scientific precision, like he was simply an experiment that would either pull through and provide an amazing, new discovery or fall flat and be discarded like he was nothing.

“Will this suffice?” Dirk asked.

“Quite well, actually. Not that I trust you _completely_. Still, I’ll take it.”

Jarrett removed his gun once again, raising it so it was level with Dirk’s heart, which was now thumping at such a rapid pace he was slightly concerned Jarrett could hear it.

“N-no!” Todd cried. “Stop!”

Jarrett pulled the trigger, and Dirk flinched, then proceeded to blink in surprise as only a small sound emitted from the gun. It was… jammed. What was he, _Bart_? Was the universe really so desperate to keep him on track that it was willing to bend something that would have clearly resulted in his death?

Jarrett tossed the gun aside, barely phased by his failure. “Guess that’s still useless.”

He’d _expected_ this. _Oh, of course,_ Dirk realized. It was as Jarrett said earlier, the reason why all this negotiating and talking was even necessary – Dirk was still an unpredictability to them. For all they knew, he was controlling the very flow of the universe right now.

Perhaps, he could use that to his advantage.

“How do I know you’ll let Todd live when you kill me?” Dirk asked.

“You’ll have to trust my word.”

“That’s not enough.”

Jarrett rolled his eyes. “Seriously, Icarus, don’t be stupid. I have enough blood on my hands without dirtying it further by unnecessarily killing my chess piece.”

Strangely, that line of logic was somewhat believable, and it wasn’t like he had many other options. If there was even the tiniest chance of saving Todd…

“Alright, fine, just…” Dirk raised his hands back up, leaving them hanging and opening himself up for whatever attack was on its way. “G-get it over with.”

Jarrett kicked Todd, tossing him aside hard enough that his hazy eyes sagged. Dirk tried to focus on him, and how he attempted to prop himself up and push forward, instead of the shining blade he caught from the corner of his eye. Even injured and fading out from consciousness, Todd was a blessed sight. He was _here,_ showing Dirk every little reason his actions were necessary.

He only wished he could hold Todd one last time. To pull him close and whisper that this was what he needed to do, and _why_ he needed to do it. To stare into Todd’s otherworldly blue eyes and somehow make them twinkle with joy instead of shine brightly with pain.

“ _Dirk,_ ” Todd choked out, forcing himself onto his elbows and shaking his head. “ _Please._ ”

“Todd, Todd I—“

The declaration was on the tip of Dirk’s tongue, and his chest ached with a sudden desperation to get it out. He could hear Jarrett scoffing, see from his peripheral how he was stalking towards him.

He would not get a do-over for this moment.

He bit down hard on his lower lip and stopped the words from escaping. Even with all that was building up, he couldn’t force out everything bubbling inside him. It was pointless, playing with what could have been, and announcing something that wouldn’t make a difference within a couple minutes. Not really.

It would only hurt Todd more, and he’d be causing him enough grief as it was.

Dirk was never an expert at comprehending exactly how other people were feeling by simply beholding their expression, but he did understand Todd. He’d studied him carefully, trying to learn every little quirk and habit he possessed. Some of it he’d picked up without realizing it, after so much time spent by his side. His skill felt more like a curse as he stared at Todd now, the look on his face unlike any Dirk had ever seen. Todd was still speaking, voice broken as he begged over and over for Dirk to stop, and leave, to do whatever it took to protect himself.

Dirk’s heart had never ached so severely.

This was not how he ever desired evidence of reciprocation, and yet, in that single moment, it was undeniable. Understanding washed over Dirk, and he _knew_. He knew exactly how Todd felt, and it did not bring him the sort of elation he’d predicted when he daydreamed about such a thing. Instead, he found himself forcing back a sob and breathing in quick puffs. He restrained himself from a heavy dose of waterworks only to keep his eyes on Todd. He couldn’t bear to look anywhere else.

He forced on a smile. It was weak, and meaningless, and all he had to offer.

“—thank you.” he finished, because perhaps, even more than his unspoken confession, that was the most important thing to say.

“N-no, no, no, run!” Todd shrieked, crawling forward slowly, determinedly. “Dirk, _please_ , turn around, d-don’t. You can’t—I can’t— _NO_!”

White hot pain erupted in Dirk’s chest, flaring up and suffocating him in a way that made every other injury he’d ever received seem like a paper cut in comparison. He gasped harshly and promptly choked, blood rushing up his throat and spilling out of his mouth, dripping pathetically onto the dirty ground. His arms fell limp at his sides, and his vision blurred, slipping slowly into blackness. His ears stopped functioning, only registering ringing and a faint indiscernible scream.

_Todd…_

And suddenly, Dirk was falling.

\--

Todd Brotzman wasn’t a religious man; every supposed truth he’d been told by street preachers, customers and old friends flying directly over his head. Stories of God, and heaven, and an eternity in paradise registered as nothing more than meaningless babble by people desperate enough to believe in junk like that. He would have continued on in his life without any of that changing, if not for one vital contradiction:

The very second Dirk was stabbed in the chest by Jarret, Todd knew he’d somehow ended up in the deepest depths of hell.

He was screaming, calling Dirk’s name over and over, begging incoherently for some miracle or another even as his throat grew raw and his voice cracked over the words. The metallic taste of blood faintly entered his mouth, and he couldn’t pinpoint its origin, and didn’t care to try. What did it matter how he’d harmed himself?

_I can’t lose him._

Christ, why had he ever let Dirk go off by himself? They were supposed to stick together, and he’d practically handed Jarrett an opening on a silver platter.

Todd choked on a sob as the knife was yanked out and Dirk was thrown carelessly aside. His whole body trembled as he dug his elbows into the ground and used them to pull himself closer. The twenty feet between them felt like the length of a football field and he _needed_ to get closer.

“D-Dirk,” he called, as strongly as he could manage, and he swore Dirk’s eyes opened just a fraction at the sound. “C’mon, don’t… don’t give up yet. You can’t, we… we said…”

“He really isn’t worth all that,” A voice said, cold and calm, that of a murderer who didn’t feel an ounce of regret.

Todd gritted his teeth and directed an icy stare in Jarrett’s direction, whose stony expression morphed into surprise at whatever he saw on Todd’s face.

“I’ll—I’ll kill you. I’ll fucking kill you, you piece of shit.”

“Don’t blame me, Todd, I was only following through on a deal.” Jarrett smiled pityingly at him. “And I highly doubt we’ll ever see each other again.”

With that, he turned on his heel and walked briskly towards the exit, as if everything that had transpired meant absolutely _nothing_ to him. Todd roughly slammed his fist against the ground, banging it three times and barely noticing the sharp sting of his knuckles. His pulse was rising higher, and by the time the door shut with a resounding squeal, Todd’s attention had fallen back to Dirk.

He forced himself forward with a newfound strength, only focusing on getting to his best friend’s side, and not on the fact that he was so pale, and there was _red_ spreading from his still body and creeping across the floor. Not on the fact that Dirk’s stomach was unmoving and his eyes had slipped fully shut.

If he could just _get there_ , he could— he could—

Todd’s stomach churned as his arms dampened with the sticky liquid beneath him, and he couldn’t think of what it was, he couldn’t think of what it meant, _he couldn’t_.

Finally, he was within reach, and a broken whimper escaped his lips as one shaky hand [lifted Dirk’s head off the ground](https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1840/42317555680_3da8a3fe3c_b.jpg), and his other arm sprawled across Dirk’s chest, pressing against the wound because maybe he could stop it! Put an end to all this here and now if he tried a _little_ harder!

“D-don’t you dare do this to me,” Todd pleaded. “We had a deal. We were supposed to stay together, and—and go home and figure things out and… you can’t give up now. What about the universe? And the cases? And all those dumb jackets we kept seeing in store windows that you swore you’d buy someday? What… what about _me_? I can’t lose you, I can’t, I—“

More sobs shook Todd’s body, and he couldn’t see Dirk clearly past the mistiness in his eyes as he continued to force out words.

“ _Please_ … please open your eyes. You stupid asshole. I—I told you not to throw away your life for me. Why did you—how could you—?” He shook Dirk’s body roughly. “Come on! You have to wake up! We… I don’t want to leave without you! You can’t—you can’t make me! I won’t leave you… you dumbass, you _idiot_ … you have to stay with me…”

Todd allowed Dirk’s head to slip back to the ground, and he practically threw his upper body over Dirk’s chest, burying his head against it, and clutching tightly onto his bloodstained shirt. He continued to sob, wailing loudly and not registering anything besides Dirk—Dirk whose heart had indisputably stopped beating. Dirk who was…

“ _No_. No, no, no, no, no.”

He couldn’t be. It wasn’t possible. He was supposed to wind up in danger time and time again, and nevertheless always manage to find a way out of it. Todd was supposed to panic and yell and sigh at the universe and tell Dirk with a roll of his eyes that he had no idea how he’d manage to survive as long as he had. Dirk had survived for over fifteen years on his own with almost no extra help, how could he—

Oh god.

“This is… this is all my fault. Dirk, I—“ The air felt like it was choking him, his breaths coming out in rapid succession, and he couldn’t stop his tears or calm himself down in any way because everything was a mess and it was all his fault. He always managed to fuck up every single good thing in his life. He’d _ruined_ everything. “I’m sorry. I-I’m so sorry…”

He was so stupid. He’d gotten himself captured and used, and if he’d been more careful… if he hadn’t clung so obviously to Dirk, then maybe—maybe things would still be fine. Maybe if Dirk had never met Todd things would have been better. They’d both be lonely, and Todd would be spiralling even further downward than ever, but Dirk would have found a friend eventually, and maybe they wouldn’t be so stupid and selfish and Dirk would still be…

The pain in Todd’s thigh was searing and had only increased in its excruciating stinging when he’d dragged himself across the floor. It was worse than a pararibulitis attack; it was a real, undeniable injury that was making his head spin and the room tilt sideways. Maybe that’s why he was nauseous too, or maybe that was caused entirely by the state Dirk was in — the extent of which was still not registering in his mind, he _couldn’t_ let it register.

He couldn’t move either. He couldn’t get himself help when he knew what would be said when the EMTs got a look at Dirk. He wasn’t ready to hear it, he would never be ready.

“I-I need you…” Todd choked out, arms tightening around Dirk’s body as his tears continued to stain his friend’s white shirt, which already retained very little of its original shade.

His head grew lighter and lighter, and he hadn’t even noticed his eyes had shut and pressed against Dirk’s neck. If he let sleep take him at that moment without anyone ever knowing where he was, that would be fine, he would let it take him, it didn’t _matter_.

_It does matter,_ a voice in his head argued, sounding far too close to Dirk for Todd’s liking. The notion was hard to push away with the knowledge that Dirk—Dirk did this stupid, stupid shit in order to protect him, and he couldn’t throw that away like it meant nothing. If Dirk wanted him to live he—he had to—

_Shit, shit_ , he’d waited too long. He was shaking, weak and the last of his strength had been drained crawling to Dirk. Where could he even get a phone? How was he going to call for help here? Why… Why did Dirk think Todd’s life was somehow worth more than his?

Todd had no idea how much time was passing him by, the concept not even registering as he struggled to breathe and see past the unceasing tears in his eyes. It was a nightmare, it had to be a nightmare. Soon he had to wake up and find Dirk by his side, safe and sound. He would wrap Dirk in a tight hug and promise he wouldn’t let anything come after him, and tell him all the stupid feelings that were bubbling in him for so long, _too_ long. He would tell him in the sickeningly sweet way he’d seen dumb couples do on TV because it was what Dirk deserved, and he would learn Dirk felt the same way through the sensation of their lips suddenly pressed together instead of from words that hung in the air yet remained unsaid while eyes sparkled with tears and regret.

A bang resounded around the area, and through bleary vision, Todd registered figures pushing their way into the warehouse. They were shouting things, words so indiscernible it might as well be coming from beyond a thick layer of glass, and was that the sound of sirens blaring? He’d never heard any of it coming, none of it processing in the slightest.

Suddenly, there were arms pulling at him, attempting to take him away from Dirk. He recoiled at the contact, pathetically kicking out his uninjured leg and trying to shake them off his arms.

“Stop!” he shouted. “I can’t leave him! You—you can’t—“

“Please, let us help you,” came the soft voice of the man holding him. “You’ve been shot, you need immediate medical attention or you’ll run the risk of bleeding out. Struggling is only making it worse.”

“I-I don’t care.”

“We do, sir, so please co-operate with us,” added in a different voice, a woman this time.

“You h-have to help Dirk first. He needs it more than I do. He…” Todd couldn’t finish his sentence. Why was speaking so hard? Why was Dirk shifting into nothing more than a blob?

“Shit,” the woman said and then raised her voice. “David? David, check him, does he have a pulse?”

“None. He looks like he was recently stabbed in the chest, near the heart. That vital of an area, and with this heavy of blood loss… he must have been dead within seconds.”

Dead.

_Dead._

_Dirk was—_

“No,” Todd whispered, his hand uselessly reaching forward as he was lifted up onto _something_. He wasn’t paying attention to that, too busy trying to desperately grab onto Dirk again, as if that might somehow reignite his life force. Something needed to, because Dirk’s heart had stopped beating.

His efforts were in vain, and he was only pulled further and further away, pleading under his breath to get back to Dirk, and only sapping his own energy in the process. He could do nothing as he was carried off into an ambulance and fell out of consciousness around the beeps of a heart monitor and assurances from doctors who were blind to the fact that Todd didn’t feel like he made it out of that warehouse at all.

\--


	8. What's Gonna be Left of the World?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title comes from Good Grief by Bastille! Oh the relevance.

**August 16**

The first thing the doctors told Todd when he woke up the following day was that it was a miracle he’d been shot where he had. How if the bullet had strayed even a few centimetres over, it would have hit a major artery and there was a fair chance he would have bled out before help had arrived. As it was, there was damage that might be irreversible, and _that_ was the best case scenario.

Todd didn’t get any sort of satisfaction when he’d screamed at them, telling them that they were full of shit if they thought this was the best he could get. That he didn’t give a damn if he could never walk again or had to have his leg amputated because what he’d lost was so much worse. He’d cursed and asked in a fit of rage what their problem was, why trained professionals wouldn’t even _try_ to help Dirk, because wasn’t that their fucking _job_?

Calming Todd down was not an easy task, and he never apologized for his outbursts.

When he awoke hours later from the heavy sedatives they’d given him, he was alone, and for a single moment, he wondered where Dirk was, and if he’d be visiting soon. When he remembered the truth, that Dirk wouldn’t be coming, that Dirk was—

That Dirk was _dead_ —

He couldn’t function, curling up as tightly inward as he could with his injured leg and sobbing so loudly a nurse was in the room within seconds. He was wholly inconsolable as he drained himself of tears, left after an unknown period of time with stinging eyes and only small choking sounds still leaving his lips.

He couldn’t recall any other time in his life when crying had come quite so easily.

\--

“Todd?” A hesitant voice called, and his eyes snapped up to discover Amanda and Farah walking through his doorway. Amanda’s eyes were wet and tinged red, her eye makeup smudged and her cheeks damp, while Farah was biting her lip and seeming to Todd like she was fighting very hard against the tears that were gathering.

_They knew._

Todd’s gaze fell down to his hands, and he found he had absolutely nothing to say.

“Todd, I—I’m so sorry,” Farah said, voice erratic and broken. “We thought we’d found them, we were _sure_ we were on the right track. All the evidence was—it pointed—we— _I_ was so _stupid_ , I should never have told you— we should have known better.”

Todd gritted his teeth and momentarily had to urge to yell at Farah. To lash out and ask how she could have been so far off. That he had _trusted_ her and she had let him down, let _Dirk_ down. He shoved the words back down quickly. It wasn’t a reasonable thought, and he didn’t need to look deep to find that he blamed himself far more than he did Farah and that Jarrett was the sole reason Dirk wasn’t with them. It wasn’t _her_ fault, and even when nothing felt right, he couldn’t take it out on her.

He sighed. “You couldn’t have known, Farah.”

In truth, he had very little knowledge of what exactly Farah, Amanda and the Rowdy 3 were doing all that time, what their specific train of thought was, and what evidence they’d gathered. He’d practically been clueless about everything, besides that he was to hide away with Dirk and protect him with everything he had.

Yeah, he’d really fucked that one up, hadn’t he?

Farah made a strange strangled sound that caused Todd’s eyes to fall on her again, only to find she had turned to face the other direction, head bowed and hand covering her mouth. Amanda was still watching Todd, but tears had begun to streak down her face now.

She sat on the edge of his hospital bed, folding her hands over in her lap and taking a careful breath before speaking. “What happened?”

“Dirk went out to go pick up a movie for us. We— god, we were so stupid.” He laughed bitterly. “They found me and took me to some—some warehouse in the middle of nowhere. They gave Dirk a deal. He… he took it.”

Why in the hell did he take it?

“God, he’s such an idiot…” Todd breathed.

_Was,_ he reminded himself, and a wave of nausea washed over him.

Before it could consume him, Amanda’s arms had found their way around him, gripping on tightly. Todd’s stinging eyes closed at the contact and he sniffled softly. Apparently, he still had more tears left to shed. He leaned against Amanda and loosely returned her embrace.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I’m so sorry, Todd.”

This time his cries weren’t loud wails that bounded off the walls, but occasional quiet sounds he barely noticed were coming from himself. Farah came to the other side of the bed and rubbed his back in her best attempt at comfort, and Todd found a pinch of relief in the fact [he wasn’t alone in his aching anymore.](https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1881/30258692028_45db92d052_b.jpg)

\--

“There’s something else,” Farah said a while later, stirring Todd and Amanda’s exhausted gazes to her, and breaking their long retained silence.

Todd’s stomach ached; Farah’s tone sending a flurry of possibilities rushing through his mind. _No more. Please, no more._

“We went back to the safe house to try and figure out what happened and we found these.” Farah dug into the pocket of her leather jacket and pulled out three folded sheets of paper. She dropped one on Amanda’s lap, returned another to its place, and offered the third to Todd. “Dirk wrote some kind of letter for all three of us. I-I didn’t read yours, obviously, o-or mine yet, for that matter, but I thought you should know so you could decide how you want to proceed with it.”

Todd carefully took the paper into his hand and ran his fingers over the letters of his name, scribbled messily with black ink in Dirk’s handwriting — the sort he had when he quickly signed off on forms so he could finally leave the office for the day, rather than the more practised script he’d developed for writing down significant clues and connections, or silly little messages to Todd that he passed to him like they were kids in an elementary school exchanging secret love notes. Todd’s thumb hovered in between the two halves as if he were about to open it. He swallowed heavily and lowered it to rest on his lap with trembling hands instead. He nodded at Farah, concerned that if he spoke, his words would come out as brokenly as they had before.

A light knock rapped on the door and their stares rose to discover a nurse standing by and smiling apologetically. “I’m very sorry, visiting hours are just about over. But if you wish, you two can return bright and early tomorrow morning.”

“He’s my brother,” Amanda argued. “Can’t I stay with him?”

“If you register at the front desk, you may be permitted to stay the night upon discussion with them and with an okay from your brother as well,” she answered. “Otherwise, you’ll have to leave within the next five minutes.”

Farah mumbled a ‘thank you’ as the nurse flitted away and Amanda turned back to Todd. “Do you want me to stay?”

“You should probably sleep somewhere more comfortable than a hospital room,” he answered automatically, forcing on a small smile and fighting against the longing burrowed inside him. She probably needed some space, and he needed some too if he was ever going to read the contents of Dirk’s letter. “Go spend the night with the Rowdy 3. You can come back whenever you have the time tomorrow.”

Amanda sighed and leaned over to wrap him in a quick hug. “I’ll be there the second they open those fucking doors back up.”

Todd’s smile shifted into something a touch more genuine. “Thanks, sis.”

She pulled away and took a hesitant step back. “I’m here for you, okay?”

“I know.”

Amanda nodded and swiftly exited the room, Todd not missing how she was wiping at her eyes again as she did so.

Farah shifted uncomfortably. “I am too, Todd. I know the two of us usually… that this kind of intense emotional thing can be hard for us, but I’m here if you need me. We’re— we’re in this together. Anything you want to talk about, I’ll listen to.”

“Same for you, Farah,” Todd said, lips twitching up a little further.

Farah reached into her pocket again, removing Todd’s cell phone and setting it next to his bedside, a silent request to call her the moment he needed it.

She hesitated a second before wrapping Todd in an embrace. He shut his eyes and gripped onto her desperately, breathing her in and revelling in the contact. She gave him a light kiss on the cheek when she retracted and an ounce of warmth filled him as she turned and left.

It twisted back into an icy pit when he focused back on the letter.

\--

Farah had enough intelligence and security training when she was younger to have had it forced through her skull that in dangerous areas of work, there were always risks, and fallen comrades were a common outcome of combat. Reading something in a book or hearing it in a lecture from her father, however, was nothing compared to the very real experience of losing someone.

Detective work wasn’t supposed to be a _war_ , and there weren’t supposed to be any evil ex-government agents stalking them, or permanent casualties of circumstance. She’d miscalculated, hadn’t properly prepared, and now one of her very best friends…

She sucked in an unsteady breath.

Dirk was dead. He was gone and there was absolutely nothing she could do to change that. She’d _already_ failed to protect someone she cared deeply for when she’d lost Patrick a little over a year prior, making Dirk the _second_ person that she’d vowed to look out for, only to have it come bite her in the ass. Was she really so incapable? Maybe she _was_ the exact mess that her family believed she was. She—she was useless, wasn’t she? She—

“No, no, no. Don’t do this, Farah.”

She leaned heavily against a wall in one of the narrower hospital hallways and forced herself to go through the breathing exercises she’d been practising. She inhaled for five seconds, holding it and then slowly exhaling— seven seconds, just as she’d been taught. No panicking. She _couldn’t_ panic now.

She had to be strong for Amanda, whose eyes had watered and voice had raised when the hospital staff explained what they’d heard about Dirk. She could still hear Amanda’s high yells that it had to have been some sort of mistake.

She had to be strong for Todd, who was breaking down emotionally in ways she had never expected to see from him. He looked like a shell of the person he was a mere two weeks ago, pale and broken, bright blue eyes dimmed exponentially. He had been closer to Dirk than any of them.

She had to be strong for _herself_. Strong enough to read whatever it was that Dirk had thought to leave for her. She took in another breath of air and forced back her tears as she hastily unfolded the piece of paper and narrowed in on the words.

_Dearest Farah,_

_First and foremost, I want you to know that you are the strongest and most capable woman I have ever met. I never thought I’d be associated with someone quite so badass and handy with weaponry! You were the perfect fit for the strike team at my agency, and I couldn’t have been luckier that you actually ended up officially joining!_

_Did you know you were the first person to tell me I was a ‘pretty good detective’? It absolutely meant the world to me, and I hope you know that. You’ve always been so supportive in your own, wonderful Farah-way, and I am grateful to have been your friend._

_Thank you for going after Jarrett. I know you did an excellent job in your attempts to track him down, and I have no doubt that you really excelled at alarming him. The trouble is, with these sort of bad guys, there’s always some sort of hidden agenda or Plan B that no one ever could have anticipated, including you. You did your very best, and that’s what matters._

_I’m going to save Todd. I don’t care what it’s going to cost me. Please, look out for him when I’m gone, and for yourself. Do everything you’ve ever wanted to do. I know that you are proficient enough to achieve it all._

_Wishing you my very best,_

_Dirk_

Farah stared at the letter a long time, reading it again and again and again. She didn’t even notice she had sunk down into a crouching position and started to sniffle hard until her vision blurred and water stained the paper. She couldn’t bring herself to care when she did.

\--

It was cold outside the hospital, far more than it had any right to be on a cloudless summer night. Amanda enclosed herself with her arms, trying to stay warm, and sane, as she trudged across the parking lot. She knew her boys and the Beast were just around the next corner, waiting for her as loyally as ever. She knew that with them, she would receive all the hugs, assurances and other little comforts she desired. They were her family. They kinda excelled at the whole “we stand by each other no matter what, and will help each other through everything” thing.

And she needed that, because losing a friend was like experiencing a terrible pararibulitis attack where the hurt somehow just _wouldn’t_ go away as time dragged on. It was like someone had taken an actual knife and carved a stupid pattern into her stomach and couldn’t resist adding an infinite number of little designs to it.

She wanted it to _stop_ , but she couldn’t wish something like that away so easily.

She plopped herself down on a bench braced against the outside of the building and buried her head in her hands. Dirk’s letter — Dirk’s dumb letter. He had to have sat down and written something for her, didn’t he? He _had_ to be so thoughtful right before his very last moments.

God, that sap. That _weirdo_. He was _amazing_ and incomparable to anyone else in the world.

Wiping her hands over her eyes, and flicking away any tears that were escaping, she spread-out Dirk’s paper, and read.

_Dear Amanda,_

_I think you’re absolutely fantastic. You were instantly one of the most interesting people I had ever met, and I’ve met a lot of interesting people, I assure you. Your intrigue never ceased as I continued to get to know you, either. Every time you came to visit and we spent time together was an occasion that I treasured, and I wish we had more time to further augment our friendship. _

_I know you’re going to accomplish amazing things, and probably change the world as we all know it. You and the Rowdy 3 are surely going to succeed in tracking other people like me and maybe you’ll all become some powerful super-group that will stop all evil and fix everything that’s broken with the universe. That would be brilliant._

_This might be selfish, but I do have one final request for you. Please look after Todd when I’m gone. I have a hunch that this will be very difficult for him and I know that having you there will make a difference. I’m not telling you to coddle him forever, only to stay with him a while and make sure he gets back on his feet. If anyone can help him, it’ll be his little sister._

_Thank you,_

_Dirk_

Amanda choked out a little laugh. Yep, that was Dirk. Sweet and passionate and loving even before losing his fucking life. God, she hadn’t had enough time with him. It wasn’t _fair._

She rubbed at her eyes again when she heard the sound of approaching footsteps, sensing who it was before he came into sight.

“You gonna be alright there, Drummer Girl?” Martin asked, sitting down next to her.

“Y-yeah, I’ll be fine.”

“You sure? Cause it ain’t no problem if you’re not.”

She shrugged and met his gaze. “…Okay, maybe I’m a lot _less_ than fine. It’s just… it’s Dirk, y’know? This bright, cheerful dude who always found his way in and out of crazy situations until…”

“Until now?”

“Until now.”

Martin wrapped an arm securely around her shoulders and she immediately leaned into him. “I know you cared about ‘im. Whatever you wanna do next is up to you.”

“Thanks. I-I mean, I definitely cared about him, he was awesome, and I’ll need some time to… to deal, but _shit_ Martin, I wasn’t close to Dirk the way Todd was. You should have seen him in that hospital, I’ve never seen him so…” she trailed off, replaying the look on her brother’s face in her mind over and over again. Her stomach twisted like the person carving those patterns had started playing around with her insides. “I’m worried about him. He never said it out loud but he and Dirk were _so_ … Todd needed the dude, and we— _I_ can’t leave him like this.”

Even without Dirk’s request, she’d known this, and with that added in, it was impossible to walk away when it couldn’t be clearer that she needed to stay with Todd. Sure, he had messed up with her majorly in the past, and she wasn’t sure she’d ever fully forgive him for it, but he was still her big brother. It was practically her duty to look after him. 

“Hey, if you want to stick around for a while, that’s no problem at all,” Martin assured her.

Amanda nodded and leaned her head against Martin’s shoulder. He gently began to stroke a hand up and down her arm, whispering soft words of assurance that she hadn’t realized how much she needed.

She could only imagine how worse off Todd was.

\--

Todd didn’t touch Dirk’s letter for a long time. He didn’t do anything at all, forcing his mind to go blank and letting an unnatural numbness overcome his senses. He couldn’t keep thinking about it. He _couldn’t_.

He also couldn’t sleep like the nurse had urged him to. His elevated leg was uncomfortable and achy, his minor cuts and bruises were all stinging at once, and dangerous images danced in his mind whenever his eyes dared to fall shut for even a second. Every so often, his sight drifted to the object in his lap and his hands lingered overtop it.

It must have been hours before he finally took the plunge, shakily raising it against the moonlight streaking into the room in order to read. The scrawl was messy, almost unreadable in places, and it only took a few words for Todd to lose whatever composure he had.

_My dear Todd,_

_There are a million things I want to say to you. Things I know I’ll never get to tell you directly. Since this is all I have left now, it will have to suffice for some._

_I’m going to die. That much is clear to me at this point. I’m going to save you, and I know what that’s going to cost. And it doesn’t matter because it’s worth it._

_Please, please, don’t blame yourself for any of this. It was my decision, and it is not on you. It’s my fault we were even in this mess to begin with, and I have to be the one to get you out of it. I hope you can forgive me for that._

_You must know, you were the best thing to ever happen to me. I never expected to find someone like you in my lifetime, and despite its bad moments, this past year with you has been the greatest of my life._

_We came such a long way, didn’t we? Even when I was clinging to the promise of friendship from our first meeting, I didn’t expect it to turn out so well. Or to have so many other things on top of that. There is so much in my life I cherish, so many different reasons to wake up in the morning and smile. Still, you were the most permanent fixture. You were home, Todd._

_And maybe you didn’t save me from this situation, but you saved me in so many other crucial ways._

_You’re brilliant, you know. You’re more intelligent, kind, and capable than you ever give yourself credit for. You can achieve anything you want to if you put your mind to it. You could start up a new band, or marry and have children, or, if you wanted, you could take over the agency. I’d like that. Even if you aren’t holistic, you’re honestly quite skilled with detective work, and I know that you would succeed in all the cases you’d take on. You were always meant to be more than an assistant, really._

_I’m sorry I couldn’t stay with you. There’s so much more I need you to know that I can’t simply write down here. Maybe you know the type of things I’m thinking, maybe not. Either way, this isn’t enough, as much as I wish it was._

_I want you to move on from this. I want you to be happy and safe and get everything you deserve. Please remain positive and stay who you are. Just don’t forget me entirely, okay? Maybe if there’s something after death, we can meet each other there one day._

_Yours,_

_Dirk_

By the time Todd had finished reading the letter, a heavy weight had settled back onto his chest, pushing down with such aggression that he couldn’t properly take in air. His breaths all came out rapid and shallow—it was out of control. He exhaled a harsh sob, a new stream of tears rolling down his cheeks and falling next to other suspiciously worn areas of the paper. Oh god, Dirk _, Dirk_ …

He couldn’t—

He couldn’t _breathe_ —

Todd didn’t even notice someone had entered the room until a nurse was next to him, speaking to him in a soft voice, urging him to calm down, and instructing him on how to even out his breathing. He barely heard her over the sound of his own heavy sobs and his grip on the letter tightened as if she would realize this was what had caused such a reaction and take it away. She _couldn’t_ ; not the last thing Dirk had given to him. He folded it roughly and pushed it underneath his body, so she wouldn’t even be able to try.

It was a long and treacherous time before he could control himself again, at least enough that he was only whimpering, taking in enough air that he wasn’t running the risk of passing out. The nurse gave him a glass of water, which he took tentative sips of between hiccups. When she finally left, Todd was thoroughly spent, his burning eyes only soothing to a degree when he shut them. He couldn’t keep them that way for long, sleep still an affair too daunting to attempt.

In a strange impulse, he seized his phone from the bedside table and flicked it on, trying not to linger on the lock screen photo of him and Dirk grinning in front of the excessive plaque for the detective agency. He tapped his way to his texts, and before he knew it, he was typing out a message for a ghost.

_You’re such an idiot._

_How could I ever forget about you?_

His fingers were numb as he slowly continued, throwing out one last desperate call to the universe.

_Please come back to me._

He never received a reply.

\--

When Todd finally drifted to sleep, he was watching some faraway place, removed entirely from the realm of reality. It was dark – almost imperceptible – everything a black and empty void besides the lines etched on the surface that glowed luminously, creating complex patterns and winding around in different directions. A figure stepped along these paths aimlessly, unknowingly searching for which thread would lead somewhere new. The flashes of this strange plane were vague, even for a dream, and trying to decipher its possible meaning would be a trivial pursuit. Yet, there was something familiar about the figure that itched at Todd’s mind when he reopened his eyes.

\--


	9. Running Back to Find You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title comes from Starlight by Starset! This one gave me _lots_ of inspiration!

**August 20**

Todd wasn’t allowed to leave the hospital for two weeks due to the severity of his bullet wound. He had been rushed into surgery upon his initial arrival, where they had managed to stop him from bleeding out and stitched up his injury. He was on an IV drip and had frequent check-ins with various doctors and nurses who ran a series of tests to assess whether there would be much permanent damage. The throbbing in his thigh never really subsided, sometimes staying as a small ache and other times, when it was rattled from its heightened position, erupting into a distressing pain. This was normal, according to the doctors, and they tried to make him as comfortable as possible during the healing process.

Still, he wouldn’t be getting away physically unscathed. He was warned he might never walk quite the same again, and he’d need crutches for at least several weeks after being released. The news _should_ have been distressing, but it didn’t register to Todd as a concern. His injury was the least of things he needed to heal from.

Amanda and Farah checked in each day, sitting with him and occasionally trying to fill the air with distracting stories and positive words. It was a kind gesture, and he appreciated their efforts immensely. He didn’t even want to consider the state he’d be in if he had to face all of this alone.

“—and after _that_ comment, we’d pretty much had enough of those assholes,” Amanda said, winding down from her explanation of ‘The Ohio Incident’.

“Tell me you didn’t smash up their offices,” Farah muttered.

“Well, I can’t say we _didn’t_.”

Todd shook his head, amused. “Oh my god, you’re going to get caught if you keep leaving a trail of destruction like that.”

“Hey, have more faith in me! The Rowdy 3 are, like, supernaturally good at not getting caught. We could never get taken down by anyone.”

“You’d better be right about that.”

“No worries, we’re cool.”

Todd frowned. “Seriously Amanda, don’t get yourself thrown in jail or something. You guys aren’t exactly discreet. Try to be a little more careful?”

Amanda’s grin shifted into something gentler. “Sure. I mean, we can definitely _try_ standing out less next time.”

“Or maybe you can stop breaking the law so there’ll be no worries whatsoever,” Farah suggested.

“Somehow I don’t see that happening,” Todd said, smiling despite himself.

“Right you are,” Amanda agreed, shooting finger guns at Todd.

Farah couldn’t exactly hide her amusement and Amanda was back to smiling brightly. Todd watched them fondly as the moment wound down and silence filled the room. Minutes passed wherein Farah fumbled with her hands and opened and closed her mouth several times before she finally spoke.

“Listen Todd… I know this isn’t something you want to talk or think about, and I don’t—I hate thinking about it too, but we need to figure out what we’re doing about Dirk’s funeral.”

Todd’s stomach churned. “I don’t know anything about planning a funeral. I… I can’t.”

“Actually it-it’s not quite as difficult as it seems,” Farah said. “And since we’re the closest Dirk has to family this sort of, uh, fell onto us after Amanda and I went to the morgue. I’ve started to talk to people who work at funeral homes to figure things out, and we—we picked out a date. I just thought you should be a part—“

“How soon is it?”

Farah bit her lip. “The problem is, these things usually happen within a few days of the death, and as it is, it won’t be possible to have it open casket or anything because of how long you’ll be here which—“

“ _How soon_?”

“It’s… August 31. The day after your release from the hospital.”

_Eleven days._ _Shit_. Todd took a shaky breath, eyes dropping to his lap as he forced back his growing nausea. It was too soon. He couldn’t…

“Todd, we need to do this,” Farah continued softly. “We need to have this chance to say goodbye to Dirk. For closure and for—for him. He deserves to have something like this.”

“Deserves?! Farah, we shouldn’t have to have a funeral for him _at all_!”

“I know that! I-I know!” Farah shut her eyes tightly. “We loved him and we weren’t the only ones, but we can’t do anything to change the fact that he’s gone. All we can do is try and show our appreciation for him somehow, and move on the best we can.”

_Move on._ How could he even _start_ to do something like that?

“She’s right, you know,” Amanda whispered when Farah excused herself to get lunch mere minutes later.

Todd swallowed heavily, heart twisting as the truth of it rang out to him. “Yeah.”

Amanda rested a hand on his shoulder. “Look, you don’t have to help plan anything you don’t want to, but if you _do_ want to, then I know Farah will help make whatever you need happen.”

Todd nodded his agreement, though he wondered what exactly he could contribute to a funeral that would make any sort of difference. Amanda smiled at him again and squeezed his shoulder lightly before she trailed off as well.

She was barely out the door when Todd took his phone into his hands and started typing.

_They want to have a funeral for you._

_I don’t think I can do it._

Sending texts to Dirk turned into a warped sort of coping mechanism. There wasn’t any form of closure in it; Todd wasn’t getting over the whole ordeal by saying things he needed to through the messages. Instead, he was clinging pitifully to some make believe idea that if he kept sending them, somehow Dirk would receive them, and maybe even send a response.

It was ironic, really. Dirk had always complained about how Todd never sent replies fast enough, if at all, while Todd countered that Dirk was _too_ fast with his. He gave the impression that he was always sitting by his phone waiting, like some high schooler anticipating a returning text after an awkward first date. Now, Dirk was the one keeping Todd waiting, and Todd who sent message after message as if the repetitive action would make the response come faster. As if Dirk’s phone hadn’t been smashed on the hard floor of some warehouse in the middle of nowhere and was probably stored away by the police with other evidence from the murder scene.

He slowly typed out three words, ones that he’d ran over in his mind for months and never dared speak aloud, and stared at them hesitantly. His fingers hovered over send before tapping the backspace and removing the message from existence. Somehow, saying it like this wasn’t right, even if Dirk would never hear it anyway.

\--

**August 23**

If Todd had to spend one more day trapped in a room where he couldn’t even leave to go to the bathroom without someone carefully watching him, he was going to go insane. He needed privacy and the ability to stumble around on his own.

There were a staggering number of times in a day that he wanted to rush outside and scream up at the universe, asking how the hell it could let this happen – how it could leave Dirk to _die_. Wasn’t there supposed to be some grand plan? Didn’t Dirk have a bigger role to play in fixing things? The universe had no qualms with pushing Dirk around like a chess piece for years, what had changed to make it let him go?

Unless it wasn’t an intentional move. Maybe the universe had brought _Todd_ into Dirk’s life to protect him from all the dangers they got caught in and he’d just _failed_?

No, no, no. _Fuck that_. Some crazy, nonsensical time loop may have brought them together, and maybe they were supposed to know each other, but the universe hadn’t been pushing Todd around to protect Dirk. That was his own damn decision, not some higher mission. He couldn’t afford to think otherwise. Screw the universe if it tried to control them in any way beyond giving Dirk nudges in the ‘right’ direction. 

Still, Todd had put it on _himself_ to look out for Dirk, and when it really mattered he couldn’t. He’d screwed that up like he screwed up _everything_. 

_Maybe it really is all my fault that he’s…_

Bile came rushing up Todd’s throat, tasting repulsive as it edged towards his mouth. He threw aside his covers and scrambled to escape from his bed. Thankfully, he was no longer attached to the IV so he actually succeeded.

He didn’t bother waking Amanda from her chair and forfeited his new crutches in favour of weakly hopping on one foot towards the bathroom, where he collapsed against the toilet and immediately threw up. A sharp pain shot up his thigh and he gagged as it made his vomiting even more severe.

He coughed, expelling the last of it and feeling disgusted when he heard Amanda’s voice behind him. “Todd? Shit, are you–?”

“I’m fine,” Todd mumbled, pressing his forehead against the seat.

A gentle hand pressed on his back and started to rub comforting circles. He glanced to the side and found Amanda was sitting next to him, looking pensive and worried.

“Dude, you just threw up _again_. How many times has this happened in the past week?”

Todd winced. She’d only seen maybe two or three times out of _several_. He’d been sick far more often than he’d like to admit, especially when he was thinking too hard on Dirk’s final words.

Todd clung to Dirk’s letter like a lifeline, re-reading it multiple times and picking up on all the little details of the writing style. He ached each time but was unable to stop himself when he needed to feel some semblance of Dirk in his empty hospital room. He wondered how much longer it would be before a nurse noticed how bad that tiny sheet of paper was for his health and permanently seized it.

“It’s not that bad,” he croaked, offering a small shrug.

Amanda rolled her eyes, obviously not buying his bullshit for a second. “Sure it’s not.”

Silence fell between them until she stopped moving her hand and spoke again, voice much gentler now. “You know you can talk to me about all this, right? You haven’t exactly said much about Dirk and the stuff that happened since you’ve been here. Talking might make you feel a little better.”

Todd shook his head. “I don’t really know what to say.”

“Well if you ever have something—“

“I’ll talk to you. I promise.”

She smiled, and guilt gnawed at Todd’s stomach as he pondered whether or not his words were a lie.

“Actually, uh, there’s something I wanted to ask you,” Amanda admitted.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Look, I know you don’t want to think about this, but after everything in the next week is over… if it’s too painful to stick around Seattle, you can come with the Rowdy 3 and I.”

“That’s... thanks, Amanda, that’s nice of you.”

“…but?”

“But, in Dirk’s letter, he uh… he said he wants me to take over the agency.”

“And you’re going to do it?”

“I’m going to try, yeah,” Todd admitted, even as the idea of working on cases without Dirk made him want to hurl yet again. “Honestly, I think I’m going to completely screw the whole thing up. I just… I don’t want to let him down.”

“I know.”

“Can you…” Todd swallowed. “Can you stick around after… after the funeral? At least for a little while?”

Amanda wrapped an arm around him and pressed her head against his shoulder. “’Course. Like I said, I’m here for you, as long as you need me.”

\--

**August 30**

As promised, Todd was released on August 30 and was allowed to take his set of crutches with him to get around. Hobbling to the car proved to be more of a challenge than he would have liked to admit and by the time he crashed into the passenger’s seat of Farah’s car he was defeated for a whole new set of reasons. The trip back to Seattle – home, and the most appropriate place for Dirk’s funeral– was about eight hours. The fact that this wasn’t the longest car ride Todd had ever been on did not make him feel any better about being stuck in a confined space with Farah for it. Still, it was a safer bet than being trapped with Amanda and the Rowdy 3 in their van.

Farah seemed to sense that Todd had no interest in talking and was probably smart enough to determine its relation to the following day. Todd appreciated that she didn’t push him, even if he didn’t say it aloud.

She had given him six hours of silence when he finally decided to break it himself.

“I want to find Jarrett.”

Farah turned to him with wide eyes. “You _what_?”

“Farah, he’s still out there. He’s _free_ after what he did to Dirk and I can’t let him get away with it.”

“What exactly are you planning to do once you find him?”

“I… uh…”

“Todd, I swear—“

“Arrest him!” Todd lied. “I want to get him arrested and see him rot behind bars the rest of his miserable life.”

Farah raised a skeptical brow. “Really? That’s your number one goal?”

“Yes,” he said, even as the vow he made echoed in his head.

She hesitated. “Okay. Don’t freak out, but I’ve already been trying to track Jarrett again.”

“You—really?”

“Obviously. Do you think I don’t want the person who killed one of my best friends to be brought to justice? I can’t stand that they’re out there either, and as long as you aren’t… as long as you have the right idea of how things will be when we find them, we can do this together. Is that okay?”

“It’s—yeah, it’s totally okay!”

“I need you to be sure.”

“I am.”

Farah watched the road ahead of them for a moment before nodding. “Alright then. We’ll start a more thorough search after the funeral.”

Todd smiled, the promise of revenge relighting a fire inside him that he would not attempt to tame.

\--

“Are you okay?” Farah asked.

It was a fair question considering Todd had frozen in place upon taking two steps into his and Dirk’s apartment. The place used to be a lucky break, an upgrade that allowed the two of them to live together in somewhere relatively comfortable that was a mere twenty-minute drive from the agency. It was a reward, offered at a lower rent to them after they solved a case for the landlord involving ghosts in the building. It was the first place in so long that was truly worthy of the title of _home_ for Todd, and he figured Dirk felt the same.

Todd spotted items of colour splattered throughout the room, jackets and bright furniture of Dirk’s choosing mixing with Todd’s choices of darker items and musical equipment. There _was_ some stuff they’d agreed on — the essentiality of both a coffee pot and teapot in the kitchen, the framed photos they’d scattered around, their comfy, brown leather couch that was directed at their television…. and okay, maybe it was a bit of a mess, with miscellaneous junk lining all the shelves, but it was _theirs_.

Now, every little reminder of the shared space with Dirk was like a punch to the gut. Everything that made it home was gone, leaving the whole environment a lifeless husk of what it used to be.

“Honestly?” Todd said. “No, not really.”

He shut his eyes and wrapped his arms around his chest. He couldn’t be sick or hyperventilate or turn into some other form of absolute mess _again_. He also couldn’t bear to stay somewhere that was so intrinsically designed to involve Dirk.

So, he was at a bit of a crossroads. Maybe he could leave after Farah and go find a hotel to stay at for a while. Maybe—

“You don’t _have_ to stay here, Todd,” Farah said, as if she had read his thoughts. “If you’d feel better about it, you can stay with me a while.”

He was about to protest when he suddenly remembered Dirk’s words about how he didn’t need to face the hard stuff on his own, Amanda’s assurances that she was there for him, and Farah’s own promises. He bit his lip, then nodded. “Thanks, Farah. I think that’d be better, yeah.”

Maybe asking for help wasn’t the worst thing in the world.

\--

Todd had his first pararibulitis attack in weeks that night. He was drowning, slipping through deep waters and fighting hard towards the surface to breathe. It burned his lungs and accelerated his heart, and when Farah managed to pull him out of it, he should have been relieved. But the drowning he faced when he remembered everything in the real world was so much worse than the measly hallucination.

It was a good choice to stay with Farah, and he was grateful to have her there supporting him. It was nice enough that perhaps her presence should have helped to ease the loneliness that fragmented his soul.

It didn’t, and he didn’t blame her for it.

He knew well that there was only one person who could pull him from the ocean.

\--

**August 31**

The funeral was located at a small home they had booked outside of the city, and Todd hated it the minute he stepped inside.

There wasn’t melancholic music playing and a bunch of people crying over an open casket. They hadn’t been able to get Dirk’s body at all because of how far into decomposition it was – a fact that had brought on one of the many times Todd had thrown up – leaving a relatively empty and silent room with only a small handful of people present. While he preferred their situation to the former, it didn’t make the setting any more appealing.

Todd, Farah, Amanda, and the Rowdy 3 had been the first to arrive. They were all decked out in black, Todd in a button-up shirt and pants that were above his usual calibre of clothing. To his surprise, the Rowdies had dressed up in suits – albeit relatively cheap ones – and were suspiciously quiet from the get-go. The Beast was devastated, hunched over the small table they’d set up in the front of the room—complete with three photos, two of Dirk alone, and one with him, Farah and Todd in front of his detective agency’s plaque—mumbling miserably about ‘Bibbit’.

Todd and Farah had stopped by the agency on their way over to find Mona, calling out softly to see if she was around until she transformed from the pen on Dirk’s desk into her human form. Upon Farah giving her the news and asking if she’d like to come to the funeral, Mona grew tearful and shook her head before promptly turning into a chair. They inferred that meant she wasn’t keen on joining them, and Todd couldn’t blame her. If he could transform into an inanimate object and avoid this whole thing he probably would have done it too.

Tina and Hobbs entered the room minutes from their unofficial start, having driven all the way from Bergsberg to be with them. Tina embraced Farah upon arrival, rubbing her back, and muttering gentle words to her. Todd didn’t miss how Farah seemed to melt against her and fully release all the tension she’d been building up. When Tina pressed a soft kiss to Farah’s cheek, Todd averted his eyes and a small part of him ached with jealousy. He was proud of Farah, at least, for taking the next step with her quirky friend that Todd had never gathered the guts to try with his.

Hobbs came over to Todd, locking him with a concerned gaze, placing a hand on his shoulder and asking how he was holding up. Todd managed a weak smile and didn’t have the strength to hide the weariness in his words.

Bart showed up semi-unexpectedly right on time, walking in with a murmur that it was super unfair of the universe to let this happen. She sat down in the far reaches of the room and wordlessly watched everyone. It was a little strange, and Todd didn’t know if she could have been considered Dirk’s friend, but oddly, he was glad she’d decided to come.

The fact that the room was far from packed and the event was as informal as possible didn’t stop Todd’s stomach from twisting. There was potential for this day to turn into a session of sharing memories of Dirk while they smiled and laughed. The type of reminiscing that could only occur when the person was long gone and would force Todd across that final line of acceptance.

Soon enough, everyone was seated, and Farah stood by the small podium next to the table. She spoke as eloquently as she could in the midst of this situation, which meant she stuttered, choked up, and more than once needed to stop to regain her breath and hold back the tears in her eyes. Still, she managed to make it to the end of her speech, offering many kind words about Dirk. It was nice, even as it rendered the small audience emotional.

And admittedly, Todd had only half heard it. 

Instead, he stared at his folded hands and tried to come up with the words to say upon his turn. He knew his speech should have been something well-planned in advance that reflected on Dirk and conveyed an appropriate goodbye. The problem was, writing something on a piece of paper to sum up how much Dirk had meant to him was near impossible. His drafts would either get more emotional than he was comfortable with or didn’t project nearly enough emotion. Nothing was good, no matter how many times he’d tried in the days following the funeral’s confirmation.

“Todd?” Farah called, pulling him out of his tumbling thoughts. “Do you want to come up and say something?”

Todd nodded, then coughed in an attempt to clear the lump in his throat. He rose and gave Farah a quick hug as she left the podium, leaving him alone in front of it. The attendees stared at him with intense sympathy, making it obvious how transparent he was being. His eyes began to sting, and his gaze fell to the floor.

He gripped tightly onto the podium and tried to grasp the right words. “Dirk, he… he drove me _crazy_ when I first met him. I thought he was nuts, and dangerous, and I wanted nothing to do with him, but he kept coming back again and again until somehow I’d gotten caught up in his stupid case. And honestly, I’m glad I did because… he changed my life. He made it so much _better_ than it was before. He made _me_ better. He was—he _is_ my best friend… more than a best friend, even.” Todd pulled his hands back, wringing them in an attempt to hide their shaking. “For every annoying thing about Dirk, there were two more endearing and _good_ things, and he didn’t deserve any of this. Shit, he’d just—he’d _finally_ opened his agency and was solving a whole bunch of cases. It was everything that he wanted and should have had all along. _That’s_ what he deserved, not…”

Todd froze as a truth he’d tried to deny washed over him. He _couldn’t_ take over the agency for Dirk. It wasn’t him that should be leading it. It wasn’t _his_ dream, and he couldn’t do it without Dirk. Part of him wished he could; that he could pick up the pieces of his shattered life and force them back together again. He could work at the agency or travel around in a new lifestyle with Amanda and the Rowdy 3, and find success and happiness either way, eventually moving on with his life.

But that’s not what he _wanted_ to do.

He could so clearly envision the future that he was wildly spiralling towards – him, seated alone, as he lost himself to drugs and alcohol and days filled with nothing but the sound of his own thoughts screaming, _if only I’d been able to protect him_. It was the most obvious outcome to all of this and the easiest one. There was a morbidly compelling simplicity to how he could cut off that final thread connecting him to what was left of his current life. He could be the selfish asshole he always knew he was and allow himself to dwell on his pain and mistakes and let everything else just shrivel pathetically away.

Only that wasn’t _fair_. Not to _Dirk_ , who was sunshine and dorky charm and all things good in the world –all things that Todd had been missing for so many years before Dirk had entered his life. Todd _needed_ him, it was an undeniable fact. The second that Dirk had fallen some part of Todd was torn apart and taken away with him.

But this wasn’t about Todd. It was about the man who was so selfless that even terrified he was willing to give up his life for someone who was a hopeless wreck at least half of the time. The man who believed that he could find the answers to every problem floating around somewhere in the universe. The man who deserved to live a long, full, and happy life.

“This is… this is _bullshit_ ,” Todd choked out.

He had been so stupid, simply laying back and accepting this as fate like he would have before Dirk had rushed into his life and shown him all the possibilities in their world.

This couldn’t be _it_.

“There’s... god, we’ve travelled through time, seen magic right in front of us, teleported to other dimensions, fought off these crazy, _stupid_ threats that don’t even make any _sense_ —this can’t be all there is!” he yelled, voice taking a near-hysterical edge. “If all of _that_ can happen there must be someone—or something—that can bring him back! He… He has to come back…”

“Todd…” Farah said.

“No!” Todd interrupted. “This— I’m not accepting this. I _can’t_ accept this. This is done, this is _over_. I swear I’m going to find a way. I’m going to bring Dirk back to life and I don’t care what it takes. I-I’ll do anything.”

He moved away from the podium, ignoring the looks he got as he did so, and strode to the door, a whole new determination filling him and relighting the hope he should never have let die down in the first place. Not even Farah and Amanda’s concerned calls did anything to dampen his spirits.

He turned to them with a smile—a fully genuine one. “And if you want to help me, I could use all of that I can get.”

Amanda hesitated a moment before she tentatively smiled. “Sounds insane. But hey, why not? We’ve seen crazier shit.”

The Rowdy 3 let out whoops of agreement, and Bart cackled loudly, while Tina and Hobbs turned their concerned gazes to an unconvinced Farah.

“You really, honestly, think there’s some way to get him back?” she asked.

“Yeah,” Todd answered. “I really, honestly do.”

\--

At the first possible opportunity, Todd clicked back into the messages on his phone and typed away another text — the last one he would send off to Dirk before he saw him again.

_I’m going to save you._

\--


	10. See the Flares in the Sky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title comes from Flares by The Script which fully inspired a scene near the end of this chapter! ;)

**September 3**

When Todd fell asleep a few nights later, he found himself thrust back into his strange dream world. He’d caught glimpses of it after the first time, when it appeared just long enough for him to remember it in the morning, even if the significance of the reoccurrence was lost on him.

This time the dream was different. Instead of looking in on the environment, he was actually a part of it. _Go figure._ His eyes travelled along the twisting bright lines on the dark and shiny surface that split off at multiple points. It was kind of like a tree, with branches that came off a main line then split over and over to create their own distinct paths.

An odd tugging gripped Todd’s chest, and he did a half-spin to his right. Every direction he faced only featured darkness in the distance, yet somehow he knew that he was now facing the correct way. He looked down and found one of the lines leading in that exact direction and started to follow.

He frowned as his steps along the line seemed to be changing the world around him. It was morphing, becoming something different, something _real._ It was as if an artist was splashing paint on a canvas, laying out the background before slowly starting to add in the details. He couldn’t make out what exactly it was shifting into until the transformation was complete and he found himself standing in a dark hallway tinged in blue. A glance over his shoulder showed the same surroundings; as if this location was where he’d been the whole time.

He stepped cautiously forward, narrowing in on the eerie environment complete with faulty lights and a number of closed doors with strange symbols plastered on them. He fought off déjà vu as he rounded a corner. There was _something_ about the place, something terrible and _wrong_ …

Finally, he came across a door that stood opened, and the pull of his soul informed him this was where he was meant to enter. Nerves twisted inside him as he moved closer and noticed there was a symbol on this door too—a familiar diamond shape with a line cutting across the middle and a small circle in the centre of it.  

_“It was what they used to identify me.”_

_Shit, shit, shit, that was—_

Todd bolted into the room, a familiar name on his lips and a flutter in his stomach. Strangely, the instant he passed through the door, the environment shifted again. This one was darker, with only a singular glowing line providing the illumination needed for Todd to identify it. It was an old warehouse, familiar in the worst sort of way, and empty, apart from a figure stood on the other side of it, far out of Todd’s reach. They were facing an opened door where only pure darkness lived.

Unlike in his first dream, Todd knew the person instantly.

“Dirk!” he called, rushing forward as fast as his legs could carry him, because yes, this was only a stupid dream, but god, it was enough; it was _something._

“Todd?” Dirk called, brows furrowing in confusion when he turned towards him.

Todd was forced to an abrupt stop only several feet away; like his legs had suddenly decided they didn’t want to function any longer, or this weird _, whatever it was_ decided that he wasn’t allowed to get any closer. Because _of course_ , even his fucking dreams wouldn’t cut him a break.

The air shifted, and a wind drifted through the area—so strong that it ran the risk of dragging Todd back the way he came.

“You _—_ you can’t be here,” Dirk said, raising his voice to be heard over the gusts.

“It doesn’t matter!” Todd called. “I’m here and I... Jesus, I miss you so much, Dirk. Nothing’s the same without you.”

There was no point in denying it, not in his own mind.

Dirk smiled sadly. “I miss you too, you have no idea how much. But I… have to go, I think. Through that door and onto… something.”

Todd’s whole body screamed in protest and he didn’t know how, but he _knew_ that Dirk couldn’t do that.

“No, you can’t, you _—_ come here! Take my hand!” Todd shouted, taking a forceful step forward and holding it out.

Dirk only eyed the hand for a moment before he was moving towards it, reaching out and trying desperately to grasp on. Several feet still separated them, making it an impossible task.

“I can’t,” Dirk said. 

“At least don’t give up, then! Please, don’t give up.” Because that’s what that door was, wasn’t it? Giving up? “You have to stay with me somehow.”

“Todd...”

“Dirk, I’m going to get you out of here! I’m going to bring you home, I just… I need some time.”

Dirk’s jaw dropped and his outstretched arm fell back to his side. The wind abruptly stopped.

“You… _how_?”

“I don’t know. All I know is that I’m going to do it. So don’t go through that door, _don’t go_ _where I can’t follow_.”

Dirk nodded, eyes glimmering with what could only be tears. “I-I’ll try.”

It was really all that Todd could ask for.

\--

When Todd awoke, he couldn’t get the dream out of his head. It was all a coping mechanism, of course, a projection of his newfound aspirations to keep Dirk’s death from being permanent, but it was still strange. He’d never had a dream so vivid before.

\--

**September 8**

It took a little over a week to convince Farah to join in on his plan. Getting her to acknowledge that resurrecting the dead _could_ be possible – all previous craziness considered – only took a day or two, but she remained firmly against Todd’s attitude about it. She said that he was in over his head and to take it slow, to follow one lead at a time and try to live his own life in the meantime.

“You’re _obsessed_ , Todd, and spiralling. You can’t just expect everything to fall into place like it used to,” she reasoned.

As much as he wanted to, Todd couldn’t really argue with the obsessed thing.

After the night he saw Dirk in his dreams, all that greeted him were nightmares, so sleep wasn’t exactly ideal, and all-nighters on the internet doing whatever research he could became the norm. He started with the usual holistic sort of route, using the word as a key when searching for some sort of healer. Most didn’t apply the term in the way he wanted them to.

In between anything containing the word ‘holistic’, he looked into people who claimed to be supernatural – witches, magicians, and others who supposedly had some level of control over life and death. He made calls every time something caught his eye and even travelled three hours one day when he believed he was on the cusp of a grand discovery. Nothing was panning out and he became antsier by the day.

Amanda and the Rowdy 3 helped out in whatever way they could, going out for hours each day and generally leading missions in search of anyone who might be able to help them. Mona tended to stick around with Todd at the agency when he worked, mostly as an inanimate object. Sometimes, she reverted back into her human form for long enough to suggest a slight alteration of whatever he was doing. On rare occasions she talked about Dirk, telling short stories and listening to Todd’s own. It was the first time Todd truly started considering her a friend.

“Any luck?” Farah asked as always she did whenever he came back to her apartment. He’d started spending nights on the couch at the agency — with Mona turning into a blanket to keep him warm — but occasionally he made it back to Farah’s. He still couldn’t return to his apartment for good, only popping in once to grab the yellow leather jacket that belonged to Dirk – acquired months prior to replace the one Blackwing had cruelly stolen from him.

It smelled faintly of him for a fleeting few days. Even afterwards, Todd wore it near constantly.

Todd shrugged. “N-not really.”

“Ah, right,” Farah muttered, tapping her fingers against the mug in her hands.

“Look, I—“

“No, you—don’t start, I have something to say. Be quiet for a second.”

“Uh, yeah, sure.”

“I… I want to help you.”

“You— seriously?”

“Yes. I’ve sort of, um, been doing research on my own, and I have a plan.”

Todd grinned manically and dropped to the sofa next to her, crutches falling to the floor. “Oh my god, you— you’re amazing, Farah, I can’t believe—“

She waved her hands at him. “D-don’t get too excited, it’s not like I know how to solve this whole thing, I just… you still want to stop Jarrett, right?”

His smile fell and something dark coiled deep inside. “How could I not?”

“Well, what if we used him? There are no guarantees he knows anything or anyone useful, but wasn’t he tracking down people like Dirk? If there’s someone out there capable of resurrecting the dead—“

“They were probably noticed by Blackwing.”

“Yes, which means Jarrett might know who and where they are. I contacted my brother, and he, uh, actually helped out for once, gave me some tools to track Jarrett properly. We can follow his trail. See what we can do.” She paused. “You just have to agree to one thing, Todd.”

“Anything,” he said, tired body buzzing.

This was what he was waiting for. _A_ _real lead_.

She bit her lip. “If we don’t find anything, you have to give this whole thing up.”

“I—?” He laughed bitterly. “No, I’m not. I can’t. Giving up on Dirk isn’t even an _option_ , Farah, it—“

“No, listen to me!” Farah argued. “You’re going to drive yourself crazy, and that’s not what Dirk would have wanted for you, okay? I know you’re only trying to help him, _I know that_ , but if this leads to nothing, you have to try and move on.”

Todd’s heart thumped in his chest. “What if I can’t?”

“You _can_.”

“How do you know?”

“Because ultimately, you never let Dirk down when he needs you to do something.”

Todd scoffed, lowering his head and squeezing his eyes shut as they went fuzzy. He’d never told Farah about the specifics of Dirk’s letter. It didn’t seem to matter. “I guess you got me there.”

“You agree, then?”

He hesitated, only to find the choice came more easily than he had expected. “Y-yeah. I agree.”

This wasn’t giving up. It was persevering.

Farah nodded. “Great. Then pack your bags, we’re leaving tomorrow.”

\--

**September 10**

As if they needed any more proof that the universe hated them, Farah’s car broke down within a day of travelling, leaving her, Todd, and Mona – who had insisted on coming along as a watch – to join the Rowdies in their van.

Being crammed into a relatively small space with eight people on a cross-country road trip was an… _interesting_ experience. Todd had experienced this sort of travel during his band days and it had never been anything close to fun, especially when they progressively argued more and more as the tours went on. Going back to it with an even higher number of people had him on edge even before he found himself stuck in the back with Vogel, Cross, and Gripps sitting across from him, and Amanda pressed between him and the Beast. Farah got the luckier spot up front with Martin, though he suspected it was less about luck and more about Amanda’s insistence after she had grinned and told him where he was sitting.

Thankfully, it was decided that with the van so full, it was too much to deal with day and night so Todd and Farah invested in staying in motels while the others… slept however they slept when the two weren’t present. Todd didn’t question it. 

“They’re heading towards Florida now,” Farah said, turning to face him from the passenger’s seat and showing off a blinking dot on her phone screen that was moving further and further away from them. So much for, _‘don’t worry, I’m sure they’ll stop sometime soon’_.

Todd sighed. “At this rate, we’ll never catch them.”

“Hey, hey, the Rowdy 3 ain’t no failures in tracking down their prey,” Martin said.

“Yeah, prey!” Cross echoed.

“We’re gonna get those guys so good!” Vogel shouted.

“They won’t even see us comin’!” Gripps added.

“Damn right, boys,” Amanda said. She nudged Todd’s shoulder. “Don’t be such a downer, dude.”

Todd smiled, chest becoming warm as he took in the determined faces around him. Huh. The Rowdy 3 were even more reliable and encouraging than he realized. Good to know.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.”

His attempts to play it cool failed, Amanda rolling her eyes and smacking him while the Rowdies started some kind of uproar. Martin turned up the radio, blaring a heavy rock song throughout the van that the others bounced along to immediately. Todd’s smile grew, and the future somehow seemed more optimistic than ever before.

\--

**September 13**

Florida was a bust.

The next move near Texas didn’t turn out any better.

They were headed up north again, and Todd’s stomach churned as he contemplated what Jarrett and his goons were up to in these places. If they were busy tearing more innocent people away from their lives of freedom and joy. His blood boiled at the very idea.

These assholes _needed_ to be stopped, and he would _not_ give up on that.

Todd insisted on stopping their nightly breaks after that, making sure someone was always driving throughout all hours of the day, apart from during the short breaks they took to eat and breathe for a few minutes.

\--

**September 15**

“C’mon Todd, it’ll just be a few hours,” Amanda assured him.

Todd frowned at the entrance of the county fair they’d stumbled across in some city in Pennsylvania. The Rowdies had already rushed in before he could stop them and sure, it looked fun, but—

“We’re going to fall far behind them again if we take a break to do this.”

“And _you’re_ going to wear yourself out if you don’t take time to have some fun.”

“I-I really don’t think…” he trailed off and glanced at Farah for help.

She only shrugged. “I agree with Amanda. It sounds like a good idea. Besides, I could definitely go for a candied apple.”

“ _Yes_!” Amanda cheered, stretching out the ‘s’ before patting his hand and waving him along to follow her. “Let’s go, dude! When was the last time you went on a rollercoaster?”

“Uh, years ago, probably,” he mumbled, reluctantly trying to keep up with her. He’d always intended on bringing Dirk to some amusement park or another in recent months, if only because he saw the way his eyes lit up when he heard about them and it was clear he’d never been to one.

It was wrong, doing this without him.

“I don’t think I feel well enough to go on this,” Todd told Amanda when she’d successfully pulled him into the lineup for the small coaster.

“Hah! Nervous?” she teased.

“N-not exactly,” he said, well-aware the knot in his stomach had no relation to that.

_God, he couldn’t do this._

Amanda gripped onto his shoulders. “Hey, listen, just… relax, okay? It’s not _wrong_ to do something fun and actually attempt to enjoy yourself after moping around for weeks.”

“I haven’t been moping this _whole_ time.”

“Smiling a few times and feeling a _bit_ better doesn’t mean you’re happy, Todd. When was the last time you were _happy_?”

_Laughter sounding through a hidden sanctuary, music blaring at a volume any passersby could hear from outside. Spinning around in circles and smiling like idiots, gripping onto each other tightly and gravitating even closer, pressed in like they always should have been, worry fading into nothing as it was only them, safe and **together**._

“It’s been… a while,” he admitted hoarsely.

“Then take this time and just, just let go! Have a good time!” She shook his shoulders. “C’mon, you know if Dirk heard you were too busy thinking about him to enjoy a fair he’d be disappointed in you.”

Todd’s lips curved up just slightly and while he didn’t reply, he didn’t move out of the line either.

“You realize I have crutches, though, right?” he asked as they approached the front. “I probably won’t even be allowed to ride this thing.”

“Oh no, that’s fine,” A bored-sounding crew member said when he passed the gate. “Just leave them here and hold on tight so you don’t get hurt or whatever. It’s not on us if you reopen a wound or something.”

“See Todd, it’s _fine_ ,” Amanda said.

“Sure, sure,” Todd cemented. “But if I do hurt myself somehow, I’m blaming you.”

When their time arrived, they were loaded into a wooden cart that lurched to a start, moving slowly up an admittedly mediocre hill. As the ride gurgled during its ascent, Todd was thrust into the past, when he and Amanda always begged their parents to let them ride the biggest coasters. This was nothing compared to those, but Amanda’s expression shone with excitement just as it had then. He found it reflected on his own face by the time they went swerving down the drop, and when she let out a cheer, he couldn’t help his laughter. Amanda’s surprised eyes were on him instantly and stayed until they swerved sharply to the side and she had to focus ahead of them again. Her yelling commenced and Todd’s laughter didn’t cease until the ride came to a stop.

Todd grinned when they stepped off, noticing a nearby attraction. “How about that next?”

Amanda groaned. “You know I hate spinny rides.”

Despite her protest, she didn’t put up much of a fight when Todd dragged her over.

Todd didn’t realize how much time had passed until a nearby fire lit up the now-dark sky and the Rowdy 3 rushed towards them, being pursued by three security guards. The eight of them barely made it back to the van without being caught.

Hours later, when they were all slumped together in the back of the van and preparing for sleep, Todd registered what date it had been. But by that time, the day had already shifted into the next.

\--

**September 17**

Finally making it to the same position as the dot on Farah’s map didn’t bring Todd the satisfaction he’d expected. Instead, he hesitated with every step the two of them took towards the backside of a small home in North Dakota. He rubbed his hands together and found they were slick with sweat. He wiped them hastily on his black t-shirt and adjusted the gun Farah had given him in his hands. Turning a corner, Farah took a step too close to the unidentifiable and Todd yanked her back by the shoulder.

“Todd—!” she whispered.

“W-wait, _I’ll_ check if it’s clear first!” he insisted.

Farah’s eyebrows knit in confusion. “I’m the one with the proper weapons training, it only makes sense for me to do this.”

“But I—“

“ _Todd_.”

He shook his head. “Farah, I am not losing another person to these assholes.”

“Neither am I,” she said, shrugging his hand off of her. “Just stay close to me, and we’ll do it together, alright?”

“A-alright.”

She nodded, seemingly satisfied, before swiftly turning the corner, leaving Todd stumbling to catch up with her pace. Due to leaving his crutches behind, he had to be careful weighting each step as he tried mirroring Farah’s movements. They were coming closer and closer to where the dot had indicated, just one more corner to turn before—

“Oh,” Farah breathed when she poked her head around it, her stance relaxing and her shoulders drooping.

“What is it?”

“They… they caught on.”

Caution tossed aside, Todd turned the corner to find the red van they had been tailing sitting destroyed and abandoned, with words in graffiti painted across its unhinged doors.

“‘ _Better luck next time’_ ,” Todd read aloud, head spinning and dread curling up in his chest.

They’d failed. They’d failed _again_.

“W-we’ll find another way to track them,” Farah said, placing a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

He mumbled his agreement and Farah launched into a rambling explanation of how else they may be able to find them. Todd could barely hear her words, could only focus on the reality they’d been forced to face: somehow, these guys were always a step ahead of them, and their chances of catching up seemed to be slimming.

\--

**September 18**

They stopped at a motel that night after Todd insisted he needed some time alone. Maybe he should have expected all their leads to fall flat, or for Jarrett to somehow catch onto the fact he was being followed, but he hadn’t. He’d clearly misjudged the universe’s willingness to allow them to get revenge for Dirk, at the very least. Maybe all this time, it had been working against them and their mission. Maybe this was all some sort of cosmic punishment.  

Todd flopped onto the stiff double bed and buried his face in a pillow. Within a few minutes, he’d managed to soak it through with his tears. This was all going on too long. How much longer could he stay sane on this _stupid_ mission?

He fumbled for Dirk’s jacket at the bottom of the bed and wrapped it around himself tightly. Curling into a fetal position, he found himself missing Dirk so fiercely that it brought on a physical ache.

He didn’t recall dozing off, only noticed with bleary eyes that it was well past midnight when there was a sharp knock at his door. He groaned, shifting back into his pillow.

The knocking persisted.

He sighed and found himself trudging towards the source. There could only be one possible person standing outside his room.

“What is it, Amanda?” Todd asked as the door swung open.

“I’ve got something awesome to— wait, what happened? Are you okay? Were you—?”

_Fuck_. Just how red were his eyes?

“Uh, yeah, no, it’s—it’s no big deal, I’ll be fine.”

Amanda frowned, staring intently, and causing him to shift uncomfortably. Surprisingly, her next words weren’t an argument. “Alright, whatever. Can you come with me?”

“Wh-where? Why? What’s going on?”

“I’ve got a surprise for you.”

“A… surprise?” he repeated dumbly.

Amanda rolled her eyes. “Yes, loser, a surprise. Let’s get going.”

Todd reluctantly followed her, once again leaving his crutches and trailing several feet behind as they moved away from the hotel and towards an empty field some distance away. A cool breeze dampened the early autumn air, and unconsciously, Todd folded his arms and rubbed at the sleeves of Dirk’s jacket. Crickets chirped from their positions in the grass and distantly Todd could hear cars speeding down some road, far away from the disassociated area of their chosen motel. The field itself looked as if it had recently been on the verge of dying, only for a sudden rain to revive it, leaving patches of green throughout the crunchy brown. Todd glanced back at the motel, now a great distance away from him. Briefly, he had a strange desire to scream at the top of his lungs, just to let it all out, because in all likeliness no one would be close enough hear him here.

Besides Amanda, of course, who had rushed towards... _something_ , in the middle of the field.

“So, what do you think?” Amanda asked, forcing his full attention back to her. She was gesturing to the colourful objects scattered across the ground, which he had to squint to fully identify as he approached.

“Are those… fireworks?”

Amanda grinned. “Damn right! The boys and I found them weeks ago and since things have been totally shit lately, I figured we could use them.”

“You know that lighting these here and now would be considered totally illegal, right?” Todd asked, raising his eyebrows.

“Oh, don’t start that responsible big brother act, I can see that you’re smiling.”

He schooled his expression. “Am not.”

“Are too.”

“Seriously, Amanda, how much illegal activity do you take part in, because—“

“Don’t _you_ talk to me about illegal activity! I could go on for hours about all the illegal crap you’ve done!”

“Hey, I—“

“ _Hours,_ Todd.”

Todd rolled his eyes but didn’t bother trying to hide his grin any longer, which visibly pleased Amanda.

“So… fireworks. You up for them?” she asked.

“You know what? Sure, why not?”

“Yes!” she exclaimed, pulling a lighter from her back pocket and waving it at him before sinking to her knees in front of them. Todd hovered cautiously behind her until she’d successfully prepared a few. Then, the two of them rushed – as much as Todd could do such a thing with his healing leg – to the edge of the field and turned to watch as the fireworks started erupting.

The first set were simple, small blasts of reds and blues and greens that lit up a portion of the sky with a _pop_. After that, they become more complex, [dazzling explosions of colour](https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1835/43407929994_7327b543e0_b.jpg) stretching across a great expanse and dragging on for minutes on end. They were causing an absolute racket, and for all he knew, this could cause him and Amanda to garner some unwanted attention.

He found he didn’t give a damn as he lost himself to laughter— loud, giddy bouts that he couldn’t halt as he stared up in awe. Amanda laughed too, though she seemed more focused on him than the fireworks.

“What?” he asked.

“Oh, nothing. Nothing at all,” she said, quickly averting her gaze back up.

“Amanda, I could see you staring.”

“Come on, why would I want to stare at _you_ when there are fireworks, Todd?”

“Exactly. What’s up?”

She hesitated. “It’s just… since we lost Dirk… apart from that day at the fair, this is the first time I’ve heard you laugh in weeks.”

“Oh. Yeah, I guess that’s—yeah.”

“I’m not trying to stir up anything by mentioning it, it just… it’s nice to hear, I guess.”

Todd paused as he found the defensives barriers he’d so carefully thrown up suddenly crumbling before him. Something about her words, about this whole thing, was becoming far too much to bear on his own and the urge to _really_ talk to Amanda was too strong to ignore.

He grasped onto a memory. “My… my last night with Dirk before everything happened was the happiest I’d been in so long. We were _so bored_ , Amanda. Being in that place for so long… god, it didn’t take much before we were ready to leave. We were, uh, scouring the place for something to do and found this old radio. I swear it felt like we’d won the goddamn lottery, even when _I Wanna Dance with Somebody_ came on and Dirk wanted to dance to it.”

Amanda’s eyes widened in wonder. “So did he?”

“He did,” Todd said with a laugh, “and he, uh, got me into it too.”

Amanda snorted. “Wait, _you_ were dancing to Whitney Houston?”

“Hey! She’s— it’s an okay song!”

“Oh my god. Who are you and what have you done with my brother?”

“Shut up, I thought you wanted me to talk to you.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, this is just getting good. So you were dancing to Whitney Houston…”

Todd shook in head in amusement. “And then the song changed, and it was slower, and we were dancing. Like, slow dancing. Together. It was nice. Really nice.”

“So… what happened?” Amanda asked, voice much softer than before.

“Nothing. And that’s—that’s the problem. It _almost_ did, but we got interrupted, so I chickened out and I… I couldn’t bring it up again. I should have. I should have just kissed him. God, Amanda, I wanted to kiss him _so badly_. I wanted to tell him that I l—liked him. Had feelings for him.” He sighed. “And I know that this whole thing was my idea and I’m not giving up yet, but what if this doesn’t work? What if I can’t save him and I never get to tell him?” 

“Hey, you can’t think like that. Not now. We’ll find another lead soon.” She smiled. “Besides, I’m sure he knew.”

“Yeah… I think he did,” Todd said, recalling the expression on Dirk’s face that confirmed far too much for him. The expression that _Amanda_ was not present for. He swerved to gape at her. “Wait, you... why do _you_ think that?” 

“Dude, you should’ve seen the way you looked at him. It was so fucking sappy. Like he was some sort of fairy tale prince that was constantly sweeping you off your feet.”

Todd groaned. “Great.”

“It evens out though.”

“How do you figure?”

“You’re kind of like his knight in shining armour now, aren’t you? If this works, it’ll be because of _you_ , and as a reward, you’ll be able to hold him in your arms and he’ll call you his hero and you’ll finally get that kiss you’re so desperate for.”

Todd’s pathetic heart did a backflip at the image. “Are you mocking me?”

“’Course not. I think you were always something like that to him, anyway. He pretty much looked at you like you hung every star in the sky for him. But hey, you’d love my outcome and you know it.”

“…Maybe.”

“Ha! Maybe! Oh, you’re so far gone!”

“Shut up.”

They both laughed, and Todd nudged Amanda with his shoulder. The fireworks slowly died down and left only the two of them pressed together, quiet as their laughter subsided.

Amanda’s expression turned serious. “You really loved him, didn’t you?”

Todd swallowed. “I still do.”

\--

“The Rowdy 3 didn’t want to see those?” Todd asked as they pushed back into his motel room.

“Uh, not exactly,” Amanda said. “I told them not to come along, actually. I figured it could be more of a you-and-me thing, y’know?”

Momentarily, Todd was caught off guard. After everything he’d done to her, he didn’t deserve that. He didn’t deserve forgiveness and sympathy and these kind attempts to cheer him up. Yet, he couldn’t deny the warmth curling in his chest at the words and how she made him almost feel whole again.

He threw his arms around her, pulling her in for a sudden hug.  “Thank you, Amanda.”

There was no hesitancy in the return of her arms. “Well, you’re my big brother. Can’t have you being so depressed _all_ the time.”

Embarrassingly, Todd sniffled, and his grip on Amanda tightened. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Amanda said. “And we’re gonna get him back. I don’t think the universe will let him stay dead when there’s so much left for all of us to do.”

\--

Amanda had cheered him up, there was no doubt about that, and it carried on in the following days when they arrived back home. But even with Todd’s increased positivity, he found he didn’t have much faith left in the universe and its grand schemes.

And then, not three days after they’d returned, there was a banging on the agency’s door. 

\--


	11. Don't Let Me Drown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title comes from Drown by Bring Me the Horizon!

**September 22**

“Are you expecting someone, Todd?” Farah asked, eyeing the door with suspicion.

Todd frowned. “No. And I’m guessing you’re not either?”

“No one at all.”

“A surprise visitor?” Mona mused, tilting her head.

The banging on the door grew louder, and Todd and Farah exchanged a look. Before either could make a statement, a shout accompanied the noise.

“Hey! Is anybody in there? This’s important!”

There was no way Todd could forget who _that_ voice belonged to.

“ _Bart_?” he asked when he swung open the door. “What are you doing here?”

Surely enough, it was her, looking as battered and dangerous as usual. Her lilac button up shirt had half of a sleeve torn off and there were streaks of red staining the bottom hem. Her pants, while baggy and old looking, were just stained with dirt. Her hair was a disaster, sticking up every which way as if she hadn’t bothered to brush it in weeks. It wouldn’t surprise Todd if she hadn’t.

“Dunno,” Bart answered. “The universe brought me here.”

Todd’s heart skipped a beat. “It—what, seriously?”

She nodded. “I’m lookin’ for somethin’, I think. Can I come in to look for it?”

“Uh, sure, that’s fine.”

Todd stepped aside to allow Bart access to the room. She slowly twirled around it, her gaze darting every which way until she bumped into Dirk’s desk. Her head whipped towards it and she ran her hands across its papers and various items – a paperclip, some colourful post-its, and little trinkets from investigations – with a strange sort of delicacy. She caught sight of Farah at her desk and crossed over to her, directing her gaze at the computer screen. Her eyes widened.

“That’s it! That’s the guy!” Bart said, excitedly jabbing a finger at it.

“What do you mean ‘the guy’?” Farah asked. “Who—“

“I’m ‘sposed to kill this guy!”

Todd darted over as fast as his crutches could carry him and examined the screen. As he’d suspected, Farah still had a blurry image of Jarrett from a hacked security camera pulled up. “That’s… holy shit, the universe really is trying to help us out! This—this is the lead we’ve been waiting for, it was just— we had to—!” He flapped his arms around, barely noticing the clang of his crutches crashing to the floor when he gripped onto Bart’s shoulders. “Bart, do you know where he is? We’ve been trying to track him down for _weeks_!”

She frowned. “Well, I don’t know _exactly_ , but the universe wants me to find him and I guess it wants you to know I’m ‘sposed to find him, so if we start going, we’ll probably get there soon.”

“You mean we’re—it wants all of us to go?”

She shrugged. “I think so.” She pondered on it momentarily and her eyes lit up. “Yeah, we can all go! It’ll be fun! We can all be friends and kill this guy together!”

“Friends?” Mona asked, smiling.

“ _Kill_?” Farah repeated, definitely _not_ smiling.

“Yeah, that’s— that sounds great! Thank you!” Todd said. “When will you be ready to go?”

“I got nowhere else t’be. We can jus’ go now,” Bart said. “Hey, is this guy got something to do with what happened to Dirk?”

Todd grimaced. “Y-yeah, he… he’s the one who did it. I-I saw it all happen…”

“Pro’ly why the universe wants him dead so bad.”

“I don’t blame it.”

Farah gripped his arm. “Wait, we can’t just run off and—“

“This is what we’ve been _waiting for_ , Farah!” Todd practically vibrated with anticipation, heart hammering as he emitted a strangled laugh. “We have to! This is the actual _universe_ giving us a chance!”

“I get that, but…” She sighed. “There’s no point in arguing with you, is there?”

“None. We’re _doing this_.”

“Fine, we’ll go,” Farah said and directed her stare at Bart. “But, you _can’t_ kill him. We need to have a talk with him about Blackwing.”

“Why you gotta do that?”

“It’s about getting Dirk back,” Todd explained. “Please, you have to—“

“ _Oh!_ ” she exclaimed. “Maybe that’s why you’ve gotta come!”

“Yes, yes! That must—god, this is _it_!” Todd enthused.

“C-calm down, Todd, you aren’t—” Farah started.

“Let’s go!” he interrupted. “We’ll call Amanda on the way and she can follow behind us!”

“We can save Dirk?” Mona asked.

“Maybe!” Todd said, grinning and probably on the edge of hysteria, but not giving a single shit when this was _something_! Their chance was _here_. Dirk could… he could _really_ … “If this is what I think it is, we will.”

\--

**September 24**

Todd was getting really tired of wild goose chases across the country. Even with Bart driving towards what she guaranteed would be the right destination in her beat-up car that probably _used_ to be white, it wasn’t any easier to pass through state after state as day shifted into evening into night into dawn all over again. He’d insisted on sitting shotgun in her car, which seemed like a great idea at the time, only for it to devolve into awkward silences more often than not. What he was supposed to talk to her about, he had no clue. He knew she’d been through a lot: trying to stop following the universe’s will, ending up back at Blackwing, ultimately pulling the whole thing down with her, and still trying to find her place in the world while allowing the universe to point her in its desired directions.

He’d tried to bring it up a couple times – after hours of thinking it was too personal – when the silence became too much and she offered him vague half-answers. She was still looking for her purpose. She was getting closer and it was her own journey to figure out. After that, she thankfully put on the radio, and even when the songs were mainstream pop garbage, it was better than before.

Prior to leaving, Farah had been insistent on sitting in the backseat of Bart’s car until she discovered it was filled with weapons, blankets, and various articles of clothing. It left her riding in the van behind them with the Rowdies, and Todd only saw her when they all stopped for a few hours to get some rest.

“We’re gettin’ close,” Bart muttered after nearly two days of travelling.

Todd blinked, squinting out into the rain and noticing an upcoming sign, half-fallen off its stand, and proclaiming in etched letters “ _Welcome to Concorre, Michigan!_ ”. He rushed to pull it up on his phone for any backup info. There wasn’t much. It was a nondescript as hell town a few hours out from Detroit with only a couple hundred people living in it. Most houses they sped past were separated by extensive spans of grass and nothing notable popped up as the minutes dragged on. It was practically invisible.

“Perfect hiding spot,” Todd said.

“Not if I can find it,” Bart pointed out.

Todd smiled. “Yeah, I guess we—“

His words morphed into a yell of surprise as Bart veered sharply to the right and brought the vehicle to a sudden halt.

“Jesus! Was that necessary?” he asked.

“Yeah. We’re here.”

“We… what?”

The car was stopped at the edge of a rocky driveway, stretching on for at least a hundred metres before reaching the front of an old house. It was as unremarkable as the last several, and fairly rundown, the light yellow panelled wood featuring various chips and cracks. It was two stories, and the windows of the ground level were boarded up, while the second floor’s were blocked by thick black curtains. There was a large gray van parked around back and if that was any indication, there couldn’t have been more than five or six people inside. Theoretically, they wouldn’t have any problems taking them down.

“You’re sure they’re in there?” Todd asked.

The beginnings of a smile tugged on Bart’s lips. “They are.”

A screech sounded as the Rowdy 3’s van came stuttering to a stop behind them. It wouldn’t be long before those inside were alerted to their presence, and if they had any intelligent bones in their body they would be running as soon as they realized who’d come knocking. Something in Todd’s stomach twisted, and his grip on the door handle tightened.

“Bart, do me a favour? Stay out here, okay? If we need you, we’ll call you in.”

“I think the universe wants…” She trailed off and shook her head. “Y’know, forget it. Don’t leave me out the whole time, though.”

Todd nodded, well aware that the universe would be displeased if he didn’t leave anything for Bart to do. He pushed open the door before turning back and locking his gaze with hers. “Can I ask one more thing?”

“You sure want a lotta favours,” she muttered.

“Sorry, I just… can I borrow a gun?”

Bart frowned. “You don’t got one of your own?”

“No, and I think it would be safer if I did,” Todd lied. It was the easiest excuse, and one that Farah wouldn’t believe if he’d asked her the same question.

Bart, however, was clueless about Todd’s motivations, and removed a pistol from the backseat, handing it to him. “’Kay, but you gotta give it back.”

He stuffed it in the back of his jeans, covering it up with Dirk’s jacket. “No problem.”

He exited the car with as much haste as possible while practically hopping on his right leg. His wound was healing, the pain lessening by the day, but it was still a way off from normal. His disgust at the idea of appearing weak in front of Jarrett held him back from the assistance of his crutches. It was bad enough that his step was noticeably hobbled.

Farah came to his side and held a new pair of brass knuckles out to him. “Just in case.”

He smiled. “Thanks.”

“We’ll head in first,” Amanda said, appearing on his other side with the Rowdies in tow. “We’ll take ‘em down, and you can catch up in a minute.”

Todd whipped his head in her direction. “What?! Amanda, you can’t—“

“Dude, I’ll be fine, the boys’ll protect me.”

“But—“

“Hey,” Martin cut in, slapping a hand on Todd’s shoulder, “ain’t nothing gonna happen to Drummer. We won’t let it.”

Todd relaxed a fraction. He didn’t know when exactly he’d reached the point of _trusting_ the Rowdies. “Fine, but I’m only giving you a couple minutes’ head start.”

“That’s all we’ll need.”

With an encouraging cry from Amanda, they were off. The six of them raced towards the house, already waving around their baseball bats and blocks of wood as they went, rocks crunching beneath their feet and porch creaking as they pushed their way upwards. Gripps kicked open the door and they piled in, yelling in announcement of their arrival.

Todd crossed his arms, anticipation bubbling in his stomach. His gaze moved up to the dreary sky, still spitting and wetting the grass. The rain combined with the mustiness of the area created an oddly discomforting smell, and he had to resist wrinkling his nose.

“Todd, when we get in there…” Farah paused in clear consideration of her next words. “Look, I know you want to handle this and I’ll… I’ll let you question him and take the lead. You just have to promise not to lose your cool, okay? We can’t let him get the better of us.”

As if they’d let Jarrett get the jump on them _again_. _No_. No one else was going to be hurt today. Not him, not Farah, not Amanda, not even the Rowdy 3 or Bart.

He took a breath. “I promise.”

“Good. Then we’re on.”

The cheers from the Rowdies and shouts from unknown voices were certainly pointing to their favour, so Todd nodded in his agreement. Presumably, they’d managed to gain the upper hand and he and Farah could rush in to help head off Jarrett and his goons.

Pushing open the front door, Todd’s mouth fell open as he took in the scene before him. He scolded himself quietly for doubting the Rowdy 3’s capabilities for even a second, and for thinking that they’d actually need any sort of help.

Five old wooden chairs had been pushed side by side in the living area, where ugly floral couches were beaten to the point of stuffing falling out of them, and shards of a smashed television were scattered across the floor. The rope that Todd had caught Vogel carrying in effectively tied up five familiar faces: the two men who’d held Todd back, the other man, the woman, and Jarrett himself. Todd’s blood boiled as his eyes fell on him, seated in the middle and the only present that did not have rope stuffed into his mouth as a makeshift gag. Jarrett already had a bruise blossoming on his face and Todd desperately wished he could have delivered it himself.

“Got you all covered, boy,” Martin said, stepping back from securing Jarrett’s rope. The other Rowdies nodded and whooped their approval from behind the other chairs. Amanda smiled, but it wasn’t the smug _‘I told you so’_ Todd had been expecting, instead coming across as grim.

“Thanks,” Todd mumbled, shifting his weight more heavily to his right side and keeping his sight on Jarrett, whose vaguely concerned expression had shifted into something a touch more conniving. It almost made Todd believe he didn’t fear anything that was coming. _Almost_.

“Todd Brotzman… I must admit, I never thought you’d actually catch up,” Jarrett said, and somehow had the gall to sound impressed. “Guess you proved me wrong.”

Todd gritted his teeth. “Guess I did. You shouldn’t have underestimated us.”

“I’ll remember that. So, revenge? That what you’re after here?”

“Information,” Farah corrected.

“And justice,” Todd said.

Jarrett cackled. “Justice? Is that what we’re calling it now?”

“Hey asshole, keep running your mouth and the boys won’t have any problem making you shut up,” Amanda said.

“Mhm, so I guess I’m not allowed to ask Todd how his leg is feeling?” Jarrett asked. “I suppose that’s fine. The way he hobbled into the room was answer enough. Glad I left him something to remember me by.”

“He’ll be fully healed soon, and when we walk away from here _no one_ will remember you,” Amanda snapped.

“Are you certain of that? Because I’m pretty sure bullet wounds leave scars that never fade.”

Todd inhaled deeply. He could do this. He could forget about the gun, and how easy it would be pull the trigger. He could kill the satisfying image of Jarrett with a bullet in his forehead, bleeding profusely as his eyes glazed over and he lost touch with the world as he knew it.

He’d have time to further entertain those thoughts later.

“Blackwing,” he tried. “You used to work there as a security guard, and now you’re tracking down the former subjects and… stopping them. _Why_? And where did you get the information to find them?”

“C’mon, Todd, you know why. You may be close to some of these people, but you’re a _normal_ person. You must know that these _other_ people are dangerous. We can’t afford to let them stay out there.”

“They aren’t dangerous! Unpredictable, maybe, but there’s a _reason_ they’re all here!”

Jarrett snorted. “If there was some big reason, I wouldn’t have had such an easy time killing— how many was it now? Six? Seven?”

Todd’s stomach churned and bile threatened to rush his throat. From the corner of his eye, he noticed Farah’s hands curling into fists.

“Oh, you are such a piece of _shit_ ,” Amanda seethed.

“They were supposed to fix what was broken, and you’re just— you probably just broke it all apart more!” Todd argued. “Do you even realize how _important_ they are, to everything?”

“Important to _you_ , maybe. But no one should have that much power. It’s… _unnatural_ , and it will only bring everyone else trouble.”

Rather than keeping up his cocky act, Jarrett was visibly perturbed now and something haunted reflected in his eyes. _Wait, that was_ —

“You’re scared,” Todd realized. “You’re scared of the universe and how it connects to them because it means that there’s some sort of bigger plan that you have no control over.”

But this wasn’t taking control. This was flipping the board of a game you weren’t supposed to be playing.

Jarrett scoffed. “Ridiculous.”

“Is it?” Todd growled.

Jarrett said nothing, only redirected his eyes as his jaw twitched in anger. God, he was fucking disgusting. Todd knew scum; he sometimes still considered the word applicable to himself, and Jarrett was proving more and more to be its lowest form.

“Forget this. You’re obviously an inconvincible maniac,” Farah snapped. “Just tell us where you got your information.”

“And why, oh why, would I _ever_ tell you that?”

“If you want to get out of here alive, you’ll talk,” Todd said.

“Are you going to _kill me_ , Todd?” Jarrett taunted, locking their gazes.

“You should probably be a little more scared.”

“I knew it would only be so long until this supposed higher power caught up to me,” Jarrett admitted, his smile bordering on self-deprecating.  “But I defied it and its pathetic little playthings until the very end. It’s more than I can say for any of you.”

“ _Shut up._ ”

“What exactly will you do if I don’t? Sic your Rowdy friends on me, choke me with your bare hands? Stop me like I stopped Icarus?” Jarrett laughed. “Oh, he really did care for you, didn’t he? That look in his eyes when I met him… he was _terrified_. But then, what’s a little terror when love is clouding your common sense?”

Todd shut his eyes, forcing back tears and the images that had haunted him for weeks: the way Dirk had walked into that warehouse, held himself in such defeat, face amplifying in terror as they edged closer to the inevitable outcome, and voice growing more desperate with each injury brought down on Todd. He’d tried to forget. He _wanted_ to forget.

But how could he? It was torture at its highest degree and he saw it every day when he shut his eyes.

“You know, I probably did the universe a favour,” Jarrett continued. “What good is a pawn who is so controlled by his emotions?”

“I said _shut up_!” Todd yelled, and before he could think twice, he was whipping out the gun and aiming it directly between Jarrett’s eyes. He barely flinched, like this had been inevitable.

“Todd!” Farah shouted.

“Dude, _shh_ , try to calm down,” Amanda whispered. “He’s taunting you.”

Todd barely heard them, blood rushing in his ears and hands practically shaking with rage. Jarrett’s smile was a twisted thing that emitted smugness and made the disgust in Todd intensify further. He was _proud_ of this.

“ _Tell us where you got your information_.” Todd seethed.

“I’m not scared of you,” Jarrett said. “Or death. At least this way, I know it was entirely brought on by another human.”

“By another human?” Todd laughed bitterly. “Yeah, you’re wrong. How do you think we found you? The _universe_ has been calling for your death, and it’s about time its wishes were fulfilled.”

Jarrett’s smile faltered and Todd didn’t miss the fear that flashed over his face. It was easy to revel in it.

“Feel like talking now?”

“Not particularly.”

“Fine, whatever.” Todd turned to his right, keeping his gun in position all the while. “Amanda, you and the Rowdies search the house. There’s gotta be some files or a USB or _something_ somewhere. Tear everything in here apart if you have to. Just find it.”

Amanda hesitated, eyes darting back and forth between Jarrett and Todd, before landing on Farah, who nodded. “Okay. We’re on it.”

“Yeah! Let’s smash this asshole’s shit!” Vogel cried.

The six of them piled out of the room and a ruckus overtook the house, the floor practically shaking and the sounds of smashing and screaming sharp. From his peripheral, Todd noticed Farah watching him, even opening her mouth like she was about to say something.

Jarrett spoke first. “So these files, why do you need them so badly?”

“You!” Farah snapped. “Stop talking! It would be no trouble putting a gag on you too.”

“A gag? Is that the worst—“ His words were cut out by a loud _slap_ as Farah backhanded him across his face, sending him violently to one side, and leaving a burning red mark.

“Nice one,” Todd said, lips curling up involuntarily.

“Well, it was about time,” Farah said.

Jarrett shook his head, clearly trying to regain his composure. He gritted his teeth and glared daggers at Farah, but surprisingly did not speak up again.

Todd felt affection spurring inside him. He didn’t know what he’d done to deserve someone as badass as Farah there with him. Whatever it was, he was grateful for it.

The room churned into tense silence when Amanda ambled back in, dropping a thick stack of files onto an adjacent table as she did. “Clearly, they didn’t have much time to hide things before we broke in. This wasn’t even much of a challenge.” She tilted her head towards her find. “I checked inside a couple and these’re them. All of the old Blackwing subject files.”

“Good,” Farah said, flicking the file on top opened and nodding. “This is good. This is _exactly_ what we needed.”

“Which leaves us with them,” Todd muttered darkly, eyeing Jarrett who was regarding him with a renewed interest.

“I really am curious,” he said. “You’ve already caught us. What are you trying to achieve with this? Are you really so concerned with making sure no one will touch these _things_ again?”

“Why don’t you shut up already?” Todd snapped. “What is your _problem_? Have you learned nothing from all of this? You—you fucked over the universe and now it’s fucking you over right back! You have no reason to be cocky anymore! It’s over!”

“Mmm, defensive I see. And yes, perhaps this is the end, but— _wait_ …” Jarrett’s expression lit up with understanding. “You’re actually going to seek them out. This is something else entirely. That look in your eyes… you haven’t given up, have you? You think one of the universe’s tools will help you somehow _save_ your precious Dirk.”

Todd’s jaw clenched, and he remained silent, not bothering to entertain him with an answer. Which, it turned out, was answer enough.

Jarrett chuckled gleefully. “Oh that’s it, isn’t it? Do you realize how _insane_ that is? And I thought _he_ was the one overpowered by love.”

Todd pushed forward, pressing the cold metal of the pistol between Jarrett’s eyes. “ _You_ don’t get to tell me what’s insane.”

“Todd,” Farah warned, hands raised. “Put the gun down.”

“No, no, pull the trigger!” Jarrett encouraged. “What are you waiting for? You _can_ do it, can’t you?”

Todd’s finger hovered over it, fighting temptation before he forced it off. This wasn’t right. This wasn’t _enough_.

He knew how he could do _better_.

“Don’t you remember?” Todd said. “I told you I’d make you _suffer_. This isn’t suffering.”

Maybe there was a reason Jarrett was stalling and throwing all of the attention onto himself. Maybe the sideways glances he’d tried to be subtle with, and the concerned voice Todd could vaguely recall from the warehouse all meant something more.

He raised the gun again, this time aiming it at the woman tied up at Jarrett’s left. Jarrett’s eyes grew wide with fear, and Todd found himself smiling. Looks like Dirk had been right about his capabilities as a detective.

Beside him, Amanda’s face grew pale and Farah started to shake her head, but he didn’t care about them and what they thought. Not now. Not when Jarrett _deserved_ to be in agony. What he did to Dirk could not go unpunished— poor, sweet Dirk, who was endearing and lovable and full of so much potential he was never able to reach. Dirk, whose smile Todd may never see again.

He’d take the same thing from him that he’d taken from Todd.

“I’ll do it!” Todd shouted, hands shaking as he levelled the gun with the woman’s heart. “I’ll shoot her!”

Jarrett’s jaw clenched. “Cathleen has only ever been a follower. This was not her idea, and she was not the one who killed him. She had nothing to do with it.”

“She helped you! She was there! She’s a part of this! You _all_ are, and I’m not letting any of you leave!”

Todd cocked the gun and Farah appeared at his side, placing her hand on top of his. Todd’s watch seemed almost as if it was tightening around his wrist.

“Stop it, Todd!”

“Let me do this, Farah! What’s the problem? We’ve killed people before!”

“Yes, in the _line of combat,_ and the records of that are out of reach now. We’re free, and we agreed we’d at least _try_ not to do anything illegal, remember? We should keep it that way.”

“Well, Amanda doesn’t care what’s legal when she and the Rowdy 3 run around wrecking other people’s property!”

“That is _so_ not the same thing!” Amanda argued. “ _We_ don’t have a permanent physical home, and we aren’t _murdering people_. If you do this, there’s a good chance someone will find out. Someone will know this dude, or he’ll have set up some sort of post-death scheme and people will search for him. They find the truth and then what? This isn’t self-defence, it’s _revenge_ , and no one is going to excuse that!”

“But he deserves to die!” Todd cried, hands shaking harder as his eyes began to sting. “They all do! I can’t just let them go free!”

“We won’t, trust me on that. But you can’t save Dirk if you’re stuck in prison. I thought that was your plan: to bring him back and be _with_ him.”

“I-It is… I… Amanda, they—I saw—“

“I know, I know,” she said, voice soft [as she lay a hand on his shoulder.](https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1889/42317542300_ae08757db3_b.jpg) “And they aren’t getting out of here alive. No way in hell. That’s why Bart’s here, remember? _You_ just can’t be the one to pull the trigger.”

“If we’re killing them anyway, then why the hell not?! We could find a way to escape whoever might come after us! I-I have to do this, I’m the one who—“

“Who loved him?” Amanda accused. “Because if that’s the case, that’s exactly the reason you shouldn’t.”

“She’s right,” Farah said. “Consuming yourself with—with this level of anger and taking his life yourself, even if he deserves it, you… if you go through with this, it would change you. It would make you into something you _aren’t_.”

“You’re too close to this and you’re going to destroy yourself while dealing with them,” Amanda warned. “This cold-hearted killer that threatens someone’s loved one and _smiles_ about it? That’s not you. Despite everything you’ve done _, I know_ that’s not you. And I know that this is not what Dirk would want for you. He thinks you’re a great person, Todd. Prove him right. Don’t let revenge take over you, just… focus on _him_ instead. On saving him.”

It was simple for Todd to picture Dirk’s face; to see that easy smile that said all too much, and hear words of praise that he was never shy to share. More than that, Amanda’s words stirred a memory of months before, after the events of a dangerous case he’d despised at the time, but would do anything to relive now.

_“Quit it, Dirk! You’re overreacting about this. Of course I saved her life, what else could I have done? It doesn’t make me, like, a hero or something. I’m still me! I’m still the same asshole I’ve always been.”_

_“I thought I told you to stop calling yourself an asshole! You—you must know that what you’re saying is complete and utter nonsense. You’ve changed, Todd, you’re **better**! You might not be a conventional sort of hero with a fancy cape and a superpower, like Superbman, and maybe you aren’t even what the general public would consider a great person, but you’re enough. You’ve **always** been enough. You’re a good person, Todd. You are. And you’re the best friend I could have ever hoped for.”_

Todd lowered the gun and squeezed his eyes shut. His breath came rapid and uneven, and he hoped that the whole room couldn’t see how much he was shaking.

God, what the hell was he _doing_?

Perhaps this was what Farah had meant by letting Jarrett get the better of him. And he wouldn’t. Amanda was right. This wasn’t about Jarrett. All that mattered was getting Dirk back and trying his best to prove he could be better; that he could actually be worthy of his affections.

“I knew you’d never go through with it,” Jarrett bragged. “You don’t have it in—“

Before anyone could possibly react, Todd’s eyes snapped open, and his gun swung back in Jarrett’s direction, going off with a deafening _bang_. A bullet sped through the air, crashing into Jarrett’s calf, and sending blood gushing down his leg. Jarrett screamed, face contorting in pain as he struggled in his chair.

“You’re right,” Todd said, pocketing the gun. “But don’t get cocky. I can still _hurt_ you. And getting stuck with Bart as your executor is not a blessing.”

“Nice shot, dude,” Amanda said.

Farah nodded. “Wasn’t perfect, but it did its job. You ready to leave now?”

“Just about.”

“You—you’ll never succeed,” Jarrett said between heavy gasps. “It’s too late to bring him back, it—“

No one could blame Todd for not having the patience to let him finish. Slipping on his new brass knuckles, his fist went flying against Jarrett’s jaw, sending blood spurting from his mouth and his head lolling to the side. Not giving him any time to catch his breath, Farah kicked his chair, sending it toppling backwards. Amanda was quick to offer the same treatment to the distressed woman on his left.

It wasn’t what Todd had expected. It wasn’t some fulfilling revenge fantasy that made him feel as if at least some justice had been served for what happened to Dirk. Even when he handed the gun over to Bart outside, he didn’t feel any sense of accomplishment. This part of their journey was over, and that was good, of course it was, but Jarrett had succeeded in too much, and all that Todd had tried to do did not ease his mind.

“What took ya so long?” Bart asked.

“There were… issues,” Todd said.

Bart stared at him a second, before shrugging, like that was enough explanation for her. Farah handed back her gun and Todd gave her the best smile could.

“Thanks for your help. Really.”

“Yeah, well, it was what the universe wanted and stuff.”

“I’m not thanking the universe, I’m thanking you.”

Bart blinked. “That, uh, sure. I ‘spose you’re welcome.”

It was obvious enough to Todd that she wasn’t used to emotional expression as she shuffled towards the house, leaving the rest of them alone.

It was all over now.

When the sound of gunshots finally rang from inside, Todd was climbing into the Rowdies’ van, clutching the files to his chest, and wondering why he felt so _empty_.

\--


	12. How You Bring Me Back to Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title comes from Bring Me Back to Life by Ht Bristol! This relates HUGELY to the fic, especially near the end!

That night found them gathered together in a suite at a 4-star hotel; a place much more luxurious than they’d usually stay in, but according to Farah, they deserved the comfort, and there was no reason to lie low and avoid spending too much money anymore. Sorting through files on a bed that he could practically sink into, Todd found himself agreeing that this was a solid plan. He only wished he could actually take the time to enjoy it.

With the answers at the tips of their fingers, Todd couldn’t decide what was more prominent, his anticipation or his worry. This would determine everything. If there was nothing here, then there wasn’t likely to be anything at all. But if the universe led them to this for a reason, if there _was_ something…

Todd tried not to let his hopes bubble too high as he flicked open a fourth file. Him, Farah, Amanda and Mona had taken about ten each, and the first three Todd had sifted through did not provide anything useful. It was nosy, to read through cruelly obtained information like this, and he didn’t dwell on the pages too long after he realized the abilities detailed would be of no use. Still, one particular photo in a file for a man named Derek – who was apparently some sort of human bomb – caught his attention, due only to the draw of the word ‘ _deceased_ ’ scrawled in red marker overtop his face. It made Todd’s stomach feel sick.

Todd pushed the documents aside, catching sight of the name and symbol on the fifth file – _Project Icarus_. He’d seen the symbol before, and it was even haunting his dreams. Todd ran his fingers over it, strangely gentle for something that he wanted to tear into little pieces. His nausea grew as he stared at the front cover. He shouldn’t. This was already invasive enough and he knew that anything he saw in there… he wouldn’t be able to erase it from his mind.

It was only the lure of the pictures he knew would be inside that called him to open it with a high level of delicacy. They were clipped to the top of the page when he examined the contents and adjacent to the words _Project Icarus_ typed in big bold letters. Below that, a general array of information, starting with the most basic:

_Name: Svlad Cjelli_

Todd grimaced at the certainty of the words. This was Dirk as they had known him; the version of himself that he’d wanted to erase so desperately. Todd adored all that Dirk had become, down to the very name he’d chosen, but he shouldn’t have had to take such drastic actions in the first place.

_He should have been free. Why couldn’t they have just left him alone?_

Scribbled in the margins was the note that Svlad’s current alias was Dirk Gently, and Todd hated the way they made it sound. As if he was only fooling himself by trying to go by anything different.

Todd’s thumb rubbed around the edge of the top photo, which featured a young boy who couldn’t have been older than twelve that made Todd’s heart constrict painfully in his chest. The boy was smiling, but it didn’t reach his eyes, like he’d seen far too much for being far too young and it was slowly chipping away at him. His hair was a little long, shaggy auburn locks almost reaching his shoulders, and he was dressed in a jumpsuit with his symbol plastered onto it.

And Todd hated it. Every little detail. He’d never wanted to see such a thing, and he wasn’t sure how much more his heart could bear of this physical proof of how Dirk’s life had been destroyed by Blackwing. They’d taken _everything_ from him.

The worst of which, was proudly announced in a red marker across his face, in a similar fashion as the last file.

Todd sniffed and rubbed at his nose, then his eyes, and flipped the picture upside down. He buried his face in his hands and tried to get a grip.

“Todd? Todd, are you okay?” Amanda called.

“N-no,” he admitted miserably.

This was _Dirk_ , the most amazing person he’d ever met, and this is how he’d been slowly broken apart. He didn’t want to see it. Dirk probably never wanted him to. It was wrong, it was all so _wrong_ , and Todd knew he didn’t have the strength to read any further details even if he wanted to.

“Do you need help?” Farah said softly.

He forced on a smile for her. “No, I… nothing could possibly help me get through this any easier. Just… focus back on your stuff.”

He avoided her gaze before she could answer and found the second photo in Dirk’s file catching his eye. This one was much more recent, Dirk being everything he remembered. He stood with his eyes locked on what must have been a security camera like he was all too aware of who was watching. It was almost fierce, and defiant, and he was so beautiful that Todd _ached_. Even in black and white, Dirk somehow stood out brightly and uniquely.

Todd set that one aside. He should be leaving it with the rest of the files; set to burn after they finished their examination. _Should_ , and _would have_ , if there wasn’t something so captivating about it.

It was by accident that Todd noticed the third and final picture, and when he did, the air went swooping out of his lungs. This one depicted him and Dirk walking outside of the agency’s building, the joy on their faces clear even with the weak photo quality. Around Todd’s face was a red circle.

Slamming the file shut, Todd grabbed another one at random and clambered off the bed.

“Todd?” Amanda said, brows knitting with concern.

“I, uh, I just—I-I need some air,” he blurted, sprinting with the best of his limited abilities to the door and throwing it open. He was running down the halls before he knew it, eyes burning and panting in uneven puffs. In record time, he had smacked the elevator button, almost had a panic attack inside said elevator, stumbled breathlessly out of the building, and practically collapsed on the sidewalk.

“It’s not fair,” Todd said, gazing up at the stars. “You piece-of-shit-universe, this isn’t _fair_! How could you do that to him? _Any_ of that?”

The universe didn’t respond, the stars only blinking lazily in the sky and leaving Todd with no one to blame but himself.

His head fell down to stare at his lap where the next file sat. _God, he needed to keep going._ It was just that with all of—

_Wait._

He blinked.

“No… no way,” he whispered, eyes widening as he saw the name written under a symbol featuring a large hexagon with a smaller one inside it.

_Project Phoenix._

Out of all the project files, he’d just _happened_ to pick the one that was named after a fictional beast that could arise from its ashes and be reborn. He tore it open, eyes greedily taking in every bit of information they could see. His heart was practically beating out of his chest as he read over what this girl’s abilities supposedly consisted of.

He laughed, loud and giddy and freeing, hands practically vibrating when he excitedly shook the papers in his hands.

“Todd?” Farah called, approaching him cautiously with Amanda in tow. “Are you… okay?”

Todd jumped to his feet, practically hopping on them as he spoke despite how it made his leg throb. “Okay? _Okay_? Farah, I found it! I actually found it! _This is it_! This is the actual fucking _key_ to saving Dirk! We can do it, we might—we might really be able to bring him back!”

For the first time in weeks, tentative hope flashed across her expression. “What?”

“Dude, _dude_ , what are you talking about? What did you find?” Amanda asked excitedly.

“Her!” Todd exclaimed, opening up the file for them to see and pointing to the picture of the young girl there. “Project Phoenix! According to Blackwing, she was nearby when some guy who got hit by a car. He was officially declared dead one minute and in the next, he was back with only some bruises leftover. No one had any clue what happened, but there were reports of the girl’s eyes _glowing_ , and afterwards, Blackwing found out this wasn’t the first time something like this went on around her. Her dad supposedly died too and came back over a week later! _She_ did it! She literally brought these guys back to life!”

“You… you’re kidding,” Farah mumbled.

“Holy shit, holy _shit_!” Amanda enthused.

“Wait, what if she just has some sort of healing ability?” Farah asked. “Or it doesn’t always work the way it’s supposed to? We can’t get our hopes up too much.”

Todd shook the papers. “But Farah, she’s—“

“I know and it— it’s good, it’s a good lead. These are all good signs. And I want to follow and listen to these good signs. Just, cautious optimism, okay?”

As usual, Farah was right. He nodded, though the buzz encompassing inside his entire body did not simmer down. “O-okay.”

Farah smiled. “So, who is she?”

“Analise. The file says she goes by Analise Younge. I think she was Jarrett’s next target. He had a whole bunch of little notes here, including where she lived. She’s in _Montana_ , Farah, she was practically right next to us!”

“So, wait, you mean we just happened to find the bad guys right before they went after her?” Amanda asked. “… Jesus.”

“Maybe it all happened for a reason,” Todd suggested, smiling despite himself. “Maybe everything is still connected.”

\--

**October 13, 1997**

Kara Maybelle kicked her legs back and forth, watching how they dangled above the floor. The chair was a little too tall for her, and she was bored of sitting in it for so long. The men who pushed her into the room told her today would be a fun day. That she’d be introduced to a friend, and that maybe they could help each other make the rest of their stay easier.

She wished there was no more stay at all. She _hated_ it here, and she missed her dad. Why hadn’t he come to visit her yet?

There was a _swoosh_ as the door opened and when Kara raised her eyes, she almost expected her dad to be standing there. Instead, there was a teenager, a boy with auburn – _or was it brown –_ hair that she’d never seen before. She stared at him in confusion. He stared back. The door was shut behind him.

Kara wasn’t dumb. After months of strange tests, she wasn’t naïve enough to believe that this wasn’t another one of sorts, and maybe they were being watched at that very moment. But seeing someone else in a similar jumpsuit as hers that seemed just as scared as she was stirred excitement in her nonetheless.

Her face lit up with a bright smile and he returned the expression immediately, sitting down in the chair that had been set up across from her.

“Hi,” he said softly, raising his hand in a little wave. He had a British accent; she _loved_ British accents.

“Hi,” she echoed, then lowered her voice to a whisper. “Do the bad guys keep you here too?”

His smile fell. “Yes, they do. They have for a long time now.”

“How long?”

“I don’t know. Years at this point. Have you been here long?”

“Not _that_ long,” she said, frowning.

“How old are you?”

“Eleven.”

He fell into silence at that, pain flashing across his eyes. Right away, Kara wanted to make him feel better. “What about you?”

“Fifteen, if I’m guessing correctly.”

Nausea suddenly overcame Kara. He didn’t even know how long he’d been here, or how old he was for certain! What did that mean for her? What if she _never_ got to leave?

He smiled at her again, and it slowed the panic in her mind. “What’s your name?”

“They keep calling me Phoenix, but my name’s Kara.”

“That’s a pretty name,” he said.

She grinned at him. “What’s yours?”

“They call me Icarus.”

“But what’s your _name_?”

He leaned in closer to her. “Can I tell you a secret?”

She nodded rapidly.

He cupped his hands around his mouth and pressed them right against her ear. “I’m going to change it if I ever get out of here.”

“Why?” she whispered.

“So they won’t be able to find me so easily.”

She gasped. “That’s a good idea!”

“I hope so,” he said with a laugh, pulling back, but staying close enough that they could remain whispering. It would be bad if they heard this, Kara knew.

“So, what are you changing it to?” she asked, as quietly as she could.

“I think I like the name Dirk,” he answered. “Dirk Gently.”

\--

**September 26**

“When we finally bring Dirk back, I swear I’m not going to go on another drive again for at least… a year,” Todd complained. They were ten minutes out from their destination after _two more days_ of driving. The only plus was the hotel pit stops, which were much nicer now. Not nice enough to make him forget, but at least he could manage to sleep in the beds there. 

“C’mon, Todd, me and the Rowdy 3 do this literally all the time. It’s fun,” Amanda said.

“Is it though?”

“You used to travel like this with the Mexican Funeral all the time!”

“Yes, and the Mexican Funeral ended each drive with a gig. This has been one lead after another that is _maybe_ leading us to where we need to go.” Todd paused. “If it does though, then all this driving was a hundred percent worth it.”

“Not much left now,” Farah reminded him. “We’re almost at Analise’s address if Blackwing’s file is to be believed. If not, we can check the hospital where she works as a backup. She’ll have to show up at some point.”

“Hopefully she’ll actually help us,” Todd said.

“She will,” Farah promised. “If she can, she will.”

“How do you know?”

“She’s a nurse, Todd. I looked into that hospital, and there have been a ridiculous number of life-saving ‘miracles’ there in recent years. She helps people, and she’ll help Dirk if it’s possible.”

“She sounds _awesome_!” Vogel cried.

“So cool,” Cross agreed.

“You gonna need any help when we get there?” Martin asked.

“We’ll be good on our own, thanks, Martin,” Amanda said.

Todd rubbed his hands together, trying to calm his nerves. Good or bad, this whole situation really made him want to throw up, and it only amplified when they actually arrived at their destination, a small single-story brick home at the end of a winding road.

Todd, Farah, and Amanda piled out of the car – Todd leaving his crutches behind, now able to move relatively fine without them as long as he remained wary – and followed the driveway up to the porch, which released a concerning creak when they stepped upon it.

“Okay, this is it,” Todd said, stomach doing somersaults. Part of him wanted to run away from here and the inevitability of an answer. The rest just needed to get this all over with. He took a breath and focused on that one, ringing the doorbell twice.

There was a shout from inside, followed by a loud bang and the pounding of steps. Todd winced.

“At least she’s home?” Amanda said.

The door was pulled opened a minute later, revealing a woman in her early thirties with sharp russet eyes and curly ginger hair tied back into a messy ponytail. Her t-shirt was oversized, starting to slump over one shoulder, and featured a symbol Todd didn’t recognize for some band or another. Her glasses were askew and hid away only a portion of the freckles scattering her face. She was waving a dish towel around in an attempt to rid the cloud of smoke that was gathering inside.

“Is something on fire?” Farah asked.

“O-oh, yeah! Sorry about that, it’s just my dinner,” she said. “Heh, whoops. I swore I’d get better at this whole cooking thing, but honestly, that may have been an empty dream. I burn everything I touch, it’s a curse!”

“You’re, uh, Analise, right?” Todd asked.

“Yep, that’s me!” she said, eyes darting between them. “How’d you know? Who are you guys?”

“No one,” Todd blurted. “Well, someone. We’re… l-look we need your help.”

“With…?”

“Can you… bring people back from the dead?”

Fear crossed her expression before it shifted into something more neutral. “What? Are you crazy? That’s—that’s impossible!”

“We learned from a reliable source that you possess abilities of some kind,” Farah said.

“It’s okay, we’re not here to hurt you. We know others like you,” Amanda encouraged, gesturing to the Rowdies’ van.

Analise stared at Amanda, eyes taking her in carefully before they moved back to Todd. “Did you find me from my website? It doesn’t have an address on there or anything. Did you, like, trace me from my email? It’s not… easy to do that, is it?”

“No, we— it’s complicated, actually,” Todd said. “Look, _can_ you bring people back?”

Todd could hear his heart thumping in his ears during the silence that followed, and he was sure it was going to burst through his chest when she spoke again.

“Well, uh—yes and no. I can explain it to you, just, not out here.” She took a step aside and gestured for them to come inside. “Do you want pizza? I can order us a pizza?”

“We really don’t—” Farah started.

“Pizza sounds awesome!” Amanda cut in.

Analise grinned at her, a slight bounce in her step as she led them to a leather couch and armchair set in her tiny living room. “Okay, give me a minute. Make yourself at home!”

“Uh, thanks, Analise,” Todd said.

“Oh, Ana!” she corrected as she left the room. “Everyone calls me Ana!”

Left to their own devices, the three of them collapsed onto the couch together, a little squished, but managing nonetheless.

“So, she seems… nice,” Farah said.

“And weird,” Amanda added. “I like her.”

Todd continued to rub his hands, too busy pondering on Ana’s words to be too concerned with whether she was the type of person he liked. Despite everything, there still seemed to be a 50/50 chance of getting Dirk back. It was too close.

Amanda placed a hand on top of his. “Hey, don’t freak out, bro. We’ll figure this out.”

Todd nodded, smiling at her warmly.

It wasn’t long before Ana swept back into the room and plopped down on the armchair. “I hope you guys like pepperoni because it’s coming in soon.”

They mumbled their thanks and Ana’s posture shifted, her arms crossing and hands rubbing slightly at her skin.

“H-how did you find me, then?” she asked.

“We didn’t, really. Somebody else… kinda did the work for us,” Todd said.

“What do you mean?”

“We… found your Blackwing file.”

Ana’s reaction was instantaneous. Her eyes widened and she jumped out of her chair, hands raised in front of her as she slowly stepped back. “Blackwing?! No, no, no. Are they here? Are they coming? Did you—?!”

“N-no, of course not!”

“Then why—?”

“ _Shh_ , hey, calm down. Blackwing’s been destroyed,” Amanda assured her.

Ana lowered her hands. “It—it has?”

“Yeah. You’re safe here.”

Ana breathed a sigh of relief and an almost giddy smile crossed her face. “They’re gone? They’re actually _gone_? Holy crap. This is the best day of my goddamn life!” She bounced on her feet, flapping her hands and spinning in an excited circle. In a strange way, she kind of reminded Todd of Dirk. When she was facing them again, she seemed to catch herself. “S-sorry. So, how— why did you have their files?”

“There was a man named Jarrett who used to work for Blackwing,” Farah explained. “He and a few others took the old files and were tracking down the old subjects to…”

“To kill them?” Ana guessed.

“Y-yeah,” Todd said. “We stopped him and took all the files he had. It looked like he was coming after you next.”

“I would have liked to see him _try_ to get me,” Ana sneered.

“What do you mean?”

“Long story, not the time to tell it. So, why exactly did you look into my file and track me down?”

“We were looking for someone, some sort of person who could help us bring our friend back. They… killed him, and we want—we _need_ him back.”

She frowned. “He was a Blackwing subject?”

“Yeah, he was.”

“Sounds like the universe might want him back if you were actually able to find me,” she said, then sat back down and offered a kind smile to Todd. “What was his name?”

“Dirk,” Todd said, lips upturning before he could help it.

“Wait, Dirk like Project-Icarus-Dirk?” Ana asked, eyes wide.

“You _know_ him?”

“Yes! No! Uh, kind of? We met, but only a few times. Back in Blackwing, we were allowed to mingle on rare occasions. Don’t know what they thought would happen, but it was nice.” Her smile grew fond. “He was sweet. The first time we met he talked about how he hoped to get out one day. Told me he’d change his name and start over. He kind of inspired me to do the same. I’m glad he actually did it.”

Todd’s stomach ached like someone had punched a hole in it. “He did, and he was happy for a while. But he… Ana, you have to help us. Please, if you can, you have to bring him back.”

Ana swallowed, expression growing serious. “Look, uh…”

“Todd.”

“Todd. There’s sort of a lot of factors in this. When did Dirk die?”

“August fifteenth,” Todd said instantly. “Over a month ago.”

Her eyes darted away from him. “That might be too far. I don’t know if I can—“

“ _Please_ ,” Todd begged. “Please, if there’s even the slightest chance that you can pull this off, you need to try it. I’ll do whatever it takes, whatever the risk might be. I’ll—I’ll pay you if money’s the problem! Whatever you want! _Anything_ , just… try to bring him back. You’re my only hope, and I don’t know if I can…” He paused, taking a careful breath and rubbing at his watering eyes. He was practically on his knees, pouring out far more than he was comfortable with to a complete stranger. It was unlike him, but _Dirk_ was on the line. And when it came to Dirk, all of Todd’s rules changed. “I need him.”

Amanda was quick to wrap her arm around Todd and Farah’s hand went to rest on his back. Analise looked taken aback, her mouth opening and closing twice, and her eyes looking suspiciously wet.

“Listen, I… my abilities don’t always work. I can bring people back to life, but it’s not always simple.” Ana paused, seeming to consider her next words. “Basically, I can travel to this other plane of existence. It’s a sort of purgatory where souls of the recently deceased all end up. And there are certain people there that just weren’t meant to die. Kids caught in car crashes, parents who were in the wrong place at the wrong time… the universe lets me find them. All I need to do is touch them and they’ll return to life, right in front of me. It doesn’t matter where their body is, or even if it’s been reduced to nothing, they’ll come back just as they were before, and whatever was left of their decaying body will just be… gone. When it works, it’s nearly perfect.”

“When doesn’t it?” Amanda asked.

“Sometimes they just aren’t meant to be saved and the universe leads me in circles. Sometimes, when I call out to the person, they don’t trust me, and I can’t get to them. More common is that they’re just gone. In most cases, a person’s soul will move on from that plane within a few weeks and go on to whatever the hell comes next. Usually, it’s even sooner than that. And once they leave that place, I can’t reach them anymore.”

_A few weeks._ Todd’s heart sank below the floorboards. “N-no. You mean— so he’s really…”

“There are exceptions,” Ana said, before Todd’s insides could curl up in agony. “There was one guy whose soul was there after he’d been dead for years. Another was there for multiple months. They… if they have unfinished business, they can deny their fates, and stay there for as long as they please. It’s a long shot, but…”

“He could still be there,” Todd breathed.

She nodded. Todd exchanged glances with Farah and Amanda. They looked tentatively hopeful, and like hell would Todd be the one to be negative and give up when there was still more to fight for.

He rubbed his nose, stopping any embarrassing sniffles in their tracks. “So can you… will you try to help us?”

Ana reached out and placed a gentle hand on Todd’s cheek. “I’ll do my best to get him back for you.”

“You will?”

“I will.”

Todd laughed wetly. “Thank you. If this works I… I’ll owe you everything.”

She squeezed his arms reassuringly. “You won’t owe me anything. I _want_ to help you, and him.”

“Dude, you are the _best_ ,” Amanda said, smiling widely.

Todd nodded, and Ana’s smile grew as her cheeks burned pink; she looked positively touched. Contrary to his earlier thoughts, Todd knew for sure he liked her now.

“How soon can we try this?” Farah asked anxiously.

“As long as I get some sleep tonight, I’ll try bright and early tomorrow,” she said, determination crossing her face.

_Tomorrow._

If this worked, Todd would get to see Dirk again _tomorrow_.

The dying sparks inside him burst into a bonfire.

\--


	13. The End of All Things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from The End of All Things by Panic! At the Disco. Listened to this song on repeat while writing a _certain scene_. Hope you guys have fun with this one! ;)

**September 27**

Todd didn’t sleep for even a minute to prepare for that day. His mind didn’t slow the entire night, too busy creating potential reunion scenarios with Dirk to rest.

He could picture with clarity how it would be to pull Dirk close and feel his beating heart against his own body; how it would be to hear his voice and see his smile, bright and giddy and practically contagious; how it would be to finally press their lips together and kiss him until they didn’t have enough air to continue. The rush only dissipated when he exchanged the joyous images for the inconceivable alternative of losing Dirk for good.

He forced himself up from Ana’s couch at 6 a.m. – she had graciously offered to let them stick around for the night – and stirred Farah from the armchair in the process. Unlike Todd, who was fine sitting in sweatpants, a Mexican Funeral t-shirt, and using Dirk’s jacket for extra warmth, she was unsurprisingly resolute to prepare herself for the day. When she returned and sat next to Todd, he knew what she was going to say before the words left her mouth.

“If this doesn’t work out the way we want it to… do you remember our promise?”

“I remember.”

“And?”

“And… I’ll keep it,” he said, his mouth feeling like lead as he forced it out. “We can go home and… move on.”

Farah smiled sadly and he copied the gesture, even as more than ever, he feared he was going to actually throw up.

She stood up and pressed a kiss to his head. “You look like you need caffeine. I’ll go steal Amanda from the Rowdies for a coffee run.”

“Coffee would be a lifesaver right now,” Todd admitted.

“Good, I’m on it.” She turned and took two steps out of the room before hesitating. “And Todd? I-I know what I said, and I know I maybe haven’t been making this the easiest for you, but… don’t give up yet, okay? I… I don’t want to go home without him either.”

When Todd smiled this time, there was sincerity in it. “I know. Thanks, Farah.”

Left to his own thoughts once again, Todd curled up into a ball and plucked his watch off the coffee table. He stared mesmerized at the red hand, slowly ticking onwards in a precise circle. He opened his mouth to ask it if it was as impatient as he was when the fridge rustled from the other room.

He dropped the watch, rushing to the kitchen as fast as his legs could take him, and hovering around Analise as she pulled out the leftover pizza from the previous night. He considered warning her that Farah and Amanda would probably bring actual breakfast but didn’t protest as she pulled out a pepperoni slice and started nibbling on the end.

“Good morning,” she said, drawing another slice from the box and offering it to him with an uneasy smile.

“Morning,” he replied, accepting and shoving it in his mouth. It was far from the first time he’d eaten cold pizza for breakfast.

Ana watched with amusement as he devoured it in under a minute. “Hungry?”

“N-not really, I just, I’m…” _Nervous_. He coughed, shaking off the thought. “Nothing. A-anyway, I was wondering if there’s any way I can help with this whole resurrection thing today.”

“I can usually go about this on my own,” Ana said. She paused, her eyes scrutinizing him as she took another bite. When she swallowed, she set the rest of the slice aside and pointed a finger at him. “Unless you want to come with me, Todd.”

“I can do that?”

“Yes, actually. It’s not common for me to ask, but I’ve done it before. Like I said, sometimes they don’t trust me there, and when I bring a loved one, it usually supports my case,” she explained. “So if you’re on board to go somewhere crazy, you can come.”

“Then, I’m in,” he agreed. It wasn’t even a choice. “Definitely.”

She grinned. “I’m also afraid you’ll have an anxiety attack or something if I leave you behind, so it’s probably better if you do. I wouldn’t want Dirk to think I’m being mean to his…?”

“Friend. Uh, best friend.”

“Just a friend?” Ana teased.

Todd’s cheeks burned. “Y-yeah, we’re just— I mean, I haven’t— w-we haven’t—“

She laughed. “Chill. I’m just messing with you. Though I think I got the gist. You’re fighting for your happy ever after, right?”

The words did nothing for Todd’s blush. “I-I guess.”

Todd’s life had been a void since Dirk was forced out of it. It was a different kind of hell altogether than the pathetic, depressive mess of his own making that it was before Dirk first arrived. Some mornings he woke up and expected to hear Dirk humming from another room or for him to burst through his bedroom door and enthuse about the new potential case he’d stumbled onto while fetching a muffin from the bakery near their apartment. Some nights he recalled how his own squirming had caused him to brush up next to Dirk during the fleeting time they’d shared a bed, and how the added warmth was so much better than the cold he’d grown accustomed to. Todd saw Dirk in every place they’d passed on their excessive road trip for answers and could almost imagine the things he’d say about them.

It was dull, living in a world without him. More so than he’d ever expected. Dirk’s presence in his life could never be replaced, and all he wanted was for Dirk to be by his side again.

But up until they’d finally started narrowing in on Analise, Todd had never really considered how things would change if Dirk returned. He’d always wanted a forever with Dirk, no matter what type of forever it was. He knew long ago what the twists and turns inside him when he stared at Dirk meant. He’d always wanted more on some level. He wanted to hold Dirk close, snuggling up with him on the couch after a long day of far-too-weird-for-comfort casework. He wanted to hold his hand while they walked together and talked about the date they had ahead of them. He wanted to kiss him, press their bodies together and do all the things he only dared to think about when it was late at night.

He wanted to tell him all that he truly thought about him and could never find the words to say. It had been unknown and terrifying, possibly unreciprocated, and more than he could risk. Especially when he had a history of fucking up the very best things in his life.

Now, it was kinda like all that doubt had been thrown out the window. He knew how Dirk felt and there was no room to push away his emotions anymore. So maybe Analise was right. Maybe he _was_ fighting for a happy ever after in the most traditional sense there was.

And he was ready to rush forward into hell if that’s what it took to get it.

Todd cleared his throat. “Look, uh, when can we try this?”

Ana paused, her amusement washing away. “How about now?”

“ _Now_?”

“Yeah, I mean, there’s no reason to wait any longer. Let’s see if we can reach him.”

Todd’s heart skipped a beat and a thousand possibilities ran through his head at once. This was the exact spot he’d wanted to reach for weeks and everything was accelerating at a speed he could hardly keep up with. He inhaled sharply, holding his breath, and then gradually let it out.

_Don’t panic, not now. If Dirk is still there, then he needs you._

“Alright, sure, let’s do it,” Todd agreed, feigning confidence.

Analise patted his arm enthusiastically. “That’s the spirit!”

“You sound… a lot surer of yourself today,” Todd noted.

“Oh, I’m not,” she said. “Like, at all. It… it’s unpredictable trying this, it always is, but from what I know about Dirk, I think there’s a chance he’s still there. I hope so, at least.”

The remaining dread rushing through Todd thudded to a halt. If there was anything he knew about Dirk, it was that he somehow always managed to inexplicably survive whatever bullshit he got himself pulled into. “Yeah, me too.”

“C’mon, I have a sort of setup for this,” Ana said, waving him to follow her.

She brought Todd into an empty bedroom at the end of a narrow hallway where the only feature worth noting was a large window blocked by dark blue curtains. Ana flicked on the light and locked the door behind them.

“It’s easier when there are no distractions,” she explained. “I always come in here when I need to focus on heading over there.”

She moved to the centre of the room, sat cross-legged on the floor, and shut her eyes. She became very still, breaths coming out more controlled and quiet, as if she were lost in meditation. Todd warily sat across from her and when her lips quirked up he assumed he’d taken the correct action. He stayed as motionless as he was capable, pressing down his desire to twitch and wriggle as to not interrupt Analise in the slightest from… whatever the hell she was about to do.

“Okay,” she whispered.

Todd jerked when Ana’s eyes reopened, revealing a glowing neon purple that covered the expanse where black and brown and white had previously occupied. She lifted her hands palm up in front of her; an indisputable invitation. In the rush for answers, he had no room for hesitation, only sparing a thought for Dirk and his beaming face before fully facing the unknown. His hands didn’t waver in the slightest as they hovered over Ana’s before he situated them on top. 

And with that simple touch, he and Analise were warped out of the room.

His stomach lurched like he was speeding down a drop tower at an amusement park, churning until the motion came to an abrupt standstill. He didn’t remember clamping his eyes shut until he had to pry them open again and was greeted with an entirely new setting.

Ana blinked as if she were disoriented and only her irises remained the ominous purple. It was a lucky break, considering everything around them seemed pitch black. She stood up, wobbling a little as she did.

“You okay?” she asked.

“Mostly,” he answered, clambering to his feet and trying to get a better look at the area. It wasn’t quite as dark as he’d originally thought, the ground beneath them seeming almost reflective and some sort of lights shining from further away.

Analise led him towards them. “Stay close to me. It’s easy to get lost in here.”

Something was egging at him as he approached, poking him in the brain to try and inform him of a very important piece of information. It didn’t dawn on him until he saw what exactly the lights were, and he froze in place.

“These are all pathways leading to different souls that are still present,” Analise explained. “I’m usually able to pick up some sort of signal on which to follow if I—“

“Holy shit,” Todd whispered. “I recognize this.”

The illuminated lines imprinted into the ground, shining brightly and turning in different directions, some crossing over each other, but all ultimately leading to different destinations somewhere far off in the dark. It was _familiar_. He _knew_ this!

“What?” Ana asked.

“I’ve been here,” Todd said, barking out a laugh. “I’ve _been here_!”

“H-how could you have been here?” Her brows furrowed. “Have _you_ died before?”

“N-no, god no, nothing like that! It was these dreams! I had these dreams after Dirk died where I could see this place and then I was _in_ this place and I saw…”

No. _No way._

He laughed again, and he must have sounded insane because Ana’s face immediately became concerned. It was just that he somehow _knew_. All along he’d been able to see the place he needed to go and it didn’t make any goddamn sense. He didn’t know if it was the universe or something else entirely, something even _more_ powerful, but he’d _seen_ him. He’d talked to Dirk, he’d—

His heart skipped a beat and his laughter halted in its tracks.

“He’s still here,” Todd gasped. “Holy shit, Ana, he’s fucking _here_!”

Todd’s whole body was buzzing and a giddy smile overtook his face. It was like a weight had been lifted, or a missing piece of himself had been pushed back in place because he suddenly felt lighter, more _whole,_ than he had in weeks.

There was no speculation left. He _knew_.

He was going to see Dirk again. He was actually, _for real_ , going to see him again!

Todd didn’t even think before he was running, darting across the dark and knowing that he was perfectly aligned with one of the paths etched below him without even having to look.

Analise raced in front of him before he could get far, stopping him with a surprisingly firm hand on his chest. “Todd, what are you doing? Wh-what’s going on?”

“I don’t know. I just— somehow I was here before and I talked to Dirk. He was going to leave and I-I don’t know how, but I knew he needed to stay. So he’s— he’s here. He couldn’t have possibly moved on.”

“That… really doesn’t make any sense.”

“I know,” he agreed, grinning despite it all. “But, I know where he is.”

“ _I_ haven’t even got a read on him yet. How could you possibly—?”

Todd itched to bolt past her, only barely restraining because he still owed her for getting him there in the first place. “Look, Ana, I really don’t know what the hell is going on or how any of this works. It doesn’t make any sense to me either, but I’m willing to just take it as it is right now.”

“Todd, are you… feeling the universe?” she asked.

“I-I don’t know,” he admitted. “Maybe? I know where to go, but I don’t… it doesn’t _feel_ like the universe or something bigger it’s just… it’s _him_. I feel him. It’s like he’s calling out to me.”

Ana tilted her head, staring at him as if he had spoken an entirely different language. He prepared himself for more questions, more suspicion, but instead, something lit up her face with warmth and acceptance.

She smiled and stepped aside. “Well, lead the way, you knight in shining armour.”

Todd didn’t hesitate, sprinting again and following along the shining trail that he knew would take him exactly where he needed to be. The rest of the lights slipped away, leaving them rushing deeper into the shadows until the area around them began to shift. Unlike in his dream, where the transition was sluggish, he was jolted into the new environment without warning.

It was the same hallway that he remembered, tinted blue and unsettling him the second it came into focus. He spun around to get a better look at his surroundings, and Ana skidded to a stop.

“Shit…” she murmured.

Taking everything in again – the doors with their unique symbols, the eerie atmosphere, and the quality that made it all seem like a prison – the pieces clicked together in his head. He’d never been to the place before it was destroyed and seeing it now, he wished he could have torn the very foundation down himself.

“Is this—?”

“Blackwing,” Ana confirmed. “I could never forget.”

“Why is it here?”

“There’s usually something terrible lingering in the soul’s general vicinity,” Ana said, her voice distant. “Their worst fears resurfaced. I don’t know if it’s to force them to leave, or if it’s defensive, or it’s just the sort of trauma that you can’t escape no matter how far you go…”

The explanation left a sour taste in Todd’s mouth. “I’m sorry. What happened to you… all of you… you didn’t…”

He wanted to tell her that she deserved better, that they all had, however, those were empty words that wouldn’t cause any sort of change. Nothing he could say would reverse her past, or Dirk’s. All they could do was fight their way through the memories and try to rebuild what they could with whatever help they could get.

Despite its subtlety, Todd was sure he saw Ana’s lips twitch upwards. “Thanks.”

They carried on at a slower pace this time, still following the line directing them even though Todd was confident he could have found his way without it. From the corner of his eyes, he registered that Ana had stopped again, enthralled by a different door. The knowledge did nothing to slow him down when he found he was one turn away from the place he’d discovered Dirk before.

His heart thumped erratically in his chest as he inched towards it, legs becoming stiffer with every step. Passing through the doorway with the Icarus symbol sent him spiralling to a new location, just as he’d remembered. _The warehouse_ , that _stupid_ warehouse.

It looked exactly as it had in his dream, except for the figure previously present. This time, he was sitting with his back to the still ominous door into the unknown. His arms were wrapped tightly around his knees and his head was buried against them.

Todd gasped, all his breath rushing out at once.

Dirk’s head snapped up at the sound, and his eyes grew wide with disbelief. “T-Todd? Is… is that really you?”

“It’s me,” Todd said, swallowing a lump in his throat. _Not now. He couldn’t cry already, goddammit_. “I’m here, Dirk.”

Dirk jumped to his feet, his face lighting up, and _god_ , Todd had missed him so much.

“You are! You’re— you’re actually here! You came back!”

Todd let out a strangled laugh. “Y-yeah, of course I did. I told you I’d bring you home, didn’t I?”

Rather than responding, Dirk sprinted forward, and Todd was quick to follow his example, running as fast as his throbbing legs could take him.

He’d forgotten what happened the last time he’d tried to make it.

Gusts of wind blustered through the room, the force so deafening and powerful it seemed like it was coming from a funnel cloud. Todd skidded back, feet dragging across the floor towards where he’d arrived. He raised his arms up in an attempt to block it and tried to push on, managing to take a single step back in the direction he _needed_ to go.

“Todd!” Dirk cried, hands raised in a similar position.

“Shit, not this again! I swear, I’m not going to let this stop me, I’m—“

“I thought I told you to stay close to me,” came Analise’s voice from behind him.

Todd jumped. “Wh-what?”

Ana rolled her eyes fondly and reached out to take one of Todd’s hands in hers. The instance they came into contact, the wind slowed, wafting like it had never been more than a light breeze.

“Who…?” Dirk called, taking a hesitant step.

“Bring him back,” Ana said, and once more, Todd didn’t need to be told what action to take.

“Dirk! Grab my hand!” Todd yelled, stretching his free arm out towards him.

_Just another in the endless series of rooms with puzzles trying to kill them._

Dirk bounded forward, closing the remaining space between them and grasping tightly onto Todd’s hand. Warmth reverberated through Todd at the so undeniably _genuine_ contact, and he only had a moment to grin before Ana pulled him backwards. There was a boom, like a crack of thunder, and the three of them were blasted out of the warehouse.

Todd went flying, smacking hard against a wall and dropping to a hardwood floor. He groaned, a new rush of agony coursing through his thigh. He forced himself into a sitting position and blinked at his surroundings.

They were back. Back to Analise’s house, to _reality_ , and Dirk, where was—?

“Bloody hell,” Dirk moaned, rising to his feet, and rubbing at the back of his head on the opposite side of the bedroom. “Let’s never do that again, please.”

Todd stood slowly up, gaping at him like he’d never seen him before. This wasn’t like it was back in that strange plane of existence where nothing made sense. This was _real_.

“Dirk…” he said. “You… you’re…”

Dirk glanced down at himself, his _body_ , as if only then truly grasping the significance of what had just occurred. When his eyes returned to meet Todd’s they were wet and his whole expression had turned affectionate.

“I did promise you that no matter what happened, I’d never leave your side.”

Todd’s world stuttered to a halt, and everything drifted away except Dirk. Dirk, who he had spent weeks desperately searching for a way to save, even when it became so hopeless that all he wanted to do was curl up in bed and never move again. Dirk, who was pulled violently from Todd’s life and left a gaping hole in his wake. Dirk, who deserved all the wonderful things in the world and may actually have a chance to achieve them now. Dirk, who was finally _here_ , and smiling at Todd like he was the most brilliant thing he’d ever seen.

He was wrong, of course, because the most extraordinary thing was the one that Todd himself was staring at in awe. 

Todd shook his head, vision blurring as time lurched to a start and he rushed ahead as fast as humanly possible. Dirk made a sound of surprise as Todd threw himself right at him, wrapping his arms securely around his neck. Dirk’s arms encircled his waist, and somehow they didn’t collapse to the floor in a pile, only stumbling back a few paces as Dirk tightened his hold. Todd’s feet were dangling a few inches in the air, and he nuzzled against Dirk’s neck, breathing him in for the first time in far too long. God, _never again_.  
  
He was shaking as Dirk carefully lowered him to the floor, gasping out sobs and gripping tightly onto Dirk’s shirt. It was a pristine white, somehow good as new, and probably getting ruined again as Todd drenched it through with his tears. Dirk pressed his face against the side of Todd’s, and Todd didn’t miss the wetness of Dirk’s own tears dripping down his cheeks. [They clung to each other like their lives depended on it](https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1893/30258686788_6f7c6bba39_b.jpg), like letting go would mean losing everything all over again.

Dirk’s hands ran up and down Todd’s back in comforting circles.

“ _Shh_ , it’s okay,” he murmured, as if he wasn’t speaking in a wavering voice and crying almost as severely as Todd was. “You… you saved me.”

Todd pulled back, hands travelling down Dirk’s shoulders and grasping onto his arms. His body was still flush against Dirk, comfortable and safe and sending rushes of warmth through his veins. He gazed up at Dirk’s stupidly gorgeous face, his expressive blue eyes, and with a start, he knew that as long as he could keep him for the rest of his life, then nothing else mattered.

There was nothing to fear, not anymore.

“I-I love you,” Todd breathed. “I love you so much, Dirk.”

Dirk’s mouth fell open and a new wave of tears streaked down his face. He sniffed and smiled so brightly, so _beautifully_ , like nothing in the entire universe could have compared to hearing Todd finally say those words aloud. He cupped Todd’s face delicately in his hands and his response was reflected in his eyes before it left his lips. “I love you, too. You are absolutely everything to me, Todd.”

Todd’s responding grin resulted in Dirk releasing the sweetest little giggle Todd had ever had the pleasure of hearing. His heart filled to the brim and his soul reignited. He didn’t need to think twice before he was leaning in and capturing Dirk’s lips with his own.

Todd’s hands rested on Dirk’s hips as their mouths moved together, catching onto a soft and slow rhythm that flowed so naturally, it was almost like they had done it a million times before. The quiet sounds they made – little moans and gasps and whimpers – were impossible to hold back, and Todd could taste the saltiness of their combined tears on his lips. It wasn’t perfect, not really, but it was everything he needed. It was them, _Dirk and Todd_ , finally together again, and letting everything left unsaid spill blissfully between them.

It was the best damn kiss Todd had ever had.

They disentangled far sooner than he would have liked, and if he wasn’t breathless he would have swooped back in for more. They were both beaming, and Todd could only imagine how smitten he appeared. Strangely, the thought didn’t bother him. He didn’t want to hide anything as he became lost in Dirk, who exuded joy and a promise that they would have all the time in the world to kiss over and over.

Dirk’s hands fell onto Todd’s shoulders, and his face twisted in amusement. “Are you… wearing my jacket?”

“Oh. Uh, yeah, sorry. I kind of just…” He hesitated. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too,” Dirk said fondly. “And there’s no need to apologize. That looks _lovely_ on you.”

Todd’s cheeks burned. He drew back to shuck off the jacket and wrapped it around Dirk’s shoulders. “It looks better on you.”

“Oh, I very much doubt that,” Dirk said, slipping his arms in and looking _so_ much like his usual, sunny self that Todd ached. “But thank you for keeping it safe for me.”

Todd smoothed the material over. Maybe just as an excuse to keep touching Dirk. “Anytime.”

Clearly, Todd wasn’t alone in his desires because Dirk caught his hands and twined their fingers together. They clicked together with ease, and Dirk used them to yank Todd even closer. A great idea, if not for the influx of pain in Todd’s leg as he accidentally put too much pressure on it. He hissed and Dirk leaned back again, gaping concernedly.

“Todd? Are you okay? What happ—?” His gaze widened as it fell on Todd’s leg. “Shit, you were _shot._ Oh, stupid Dirk, of course you were shot! And I just forgot like the insensitive fool that I am! I can’t _believe_ I—“

“Dirk, _hey_ , chill out,” Todd said softly, “it’s alright. As long as I don’t put too much weight on it, it’ll be fine. It’s been a while, so it’s almost fully healed by now.”

“ _Almost_ fully healed?”

_Uh-oh._

“Todd, if you could enlighten me… If you aren’t fully healed, then where exactly are your crutches? You must have been required to use them.”

“I, uh, stopped. I didn’t think I needed them now that—“

“You didn’t think you needed them?! Oh, I see, so when _I_ got shot last year you absolutely refused to let me walk without crutches – despite my near constant complaining – until the doctors _insisted_ I was perfectly alright, but when _you_ get shot, you just walk around all willy-nilly. Isn’t that _convenient_ for you? Yes, why don’t you forget all about safety and _healing_ and run around getting hurt!”

“Oh my god. I’m not hurting myself. I said I’m fine.”

“I can’t believe you! What if you’re unknowingly making it worse?”

“I’m not.”

“But, what if—“

“Dirk—“

“ _Todd_ —“

A giggle interrupted their dispute and Todd’s flush returned full force as he realized all this time they hadn’t been alone.

Analise raised her hands innocently, spinning around from where she’d been facing the wall. “I’m sorry, don’t mind me. I was trying to give you your space. You two are just… _ridiculous_.”

Todd would have been offended if not for her dopey smile betraying her affection.

“Wait… _Kara_?” Dirk asked, voice alight with recognition.

“It’s Analise now. Or, uhm, most people call me Ana.”

“I think that’s an even prettier name than Kara,” Dirk complimented.

Analise brightened, smile dazzling. “Thanks! Dirk Gently’s not so bad in practice either! Or considering how you’re talking, maybe it’ll be Dirk Brotzman soon, hmm?”

Todd groaned, hiding his face on Dirk’s shoulder. Dirk only laughed.

“Mmm, no, I still rather like my name as it is.” He nudged Todd. “How would you feel about Todd Gently?”

“We are not discussing this right now.”

“So… someday, then?”

Todd shrugged, affronted with the possibility he’d never truly considered before. “Yeah, maybe someday.”

Dirk pressed a kiss to his forehead. “Sounds brilliant, darling.”

“So, uhm, how are you feeling, Dirk? Alright?” Analise asked. The question made Todd jerk back, ears open for the answer.

“Better than alright, actually!” Dirk enthused.

“Really?” Todd said, relief so strong his knees weakened.

“Really,” he agreed, then tilted his head, focus back on Ana. “Analise did you… did you bring me back? Is that what it was you could _do_?”

“Y-yes,” she said sheepishly. “It was no trouble though, I could hardly refuse to help.”

“No trouble? You brought me back home! I owe you all the thanks in the world!”

Ana blushed. “Oh. Well, I guess you’re welcome, then.”

Todd opened his mouth to voice his own gratitude when a voice cut through the house.

“Todd, we’re back!” Farah called from the other room. “Where are you?”

“Is that _Farah_?” Dirk gasped.

“It is,” Todd confirmed.

Dirk bounced on his feet. “Well, let’s tell her the good news!”

He rushed from the room, keeping a tight grip on Todd’s hand and drawing him gently along for the ride. When they found the living room, they found Farah and Amanda, who froze in shock upon their entrance. The coffee Farah was holding dropped almost comically to the floor and the air fizzled with tension.

“Hi!” Dirk said, raising his free hand. “I’m back!”

“No way,” Amanda breathed. “ _No way_!”

Todd stepped back, slipping his hand from Dirk’s and giving him an encouraging push. He grinned as he watched the three of them rush into an embrace and folded his arms over his chest, which was so full of unadulterated _love_ it was probably going to burst. Farah was trembling, and Amanda didn’t bother trying to hide a loud sob, both girls’ arms wrapped tightly around Dirk. Todd couldn’t see Dirk’s face, but he knew that he must have been smiling just as widely as the rest of them.

“You’re back!” Farah exclaimed once they separated. Her eyes were undeniably misty. “I-I’m so glad that you’re back!”

“Dude, I can’t believe you’re actually frickin’ here!” Amanda enthused, shaking Dirk’s shoulders.

“I can hardly believe it myself,” Dirk said.

“God, we spent _weeks_ trying to get you back!”

“Weeks? Really? How long has it been?”

“Over a month,” Farah answered. “It’s nearing the end of September now and Todd decided he was bringing you back right after he got out of the hospital.”

“He… he did?”

“Oh, yeah. I… I had my doubts about it. This whole will of the universe thing is still… a little _difficult_ for me. It— it’s good, though, because you’re back and it wasn’t easy going on without you,” Farah admitted. Her eyes caught Todd’s from across the room. “But Todd never gave up on you. He’s really the reason you’re even here right now.”

“Well, we all pitched in and kicked some ass, but she’s right,” Amanda added. “He’s the one who just wouldn’t let us _sleep_ some nights. There was _a lot_ of driving and _so_ many dead ends.”

Whatever they were pushing proved successful when Dirk turned back to Todd, jaw dropping. “You… did all of that for me? And for… for _so long_?”

The intensity of which Dirk was staring at Todd would have been enough to intimidate even the fiercest of people, and it shook him to his core. At one point, the strength of the emotions displayed so nakedly would have sent Todd running, but now, he embraced them. He couldn’t find it in himself to shy away from the truth, not when they’d _actually accomplished this._ And he’d gladly face every gruelling day after Dirk’s death over again if it meant having even this short amount of time with him.

Todd gave him a wobbly smile. “Yeah, I did.”

Before Todd could blink, Dirk had bolted to him, arms wrapping around his waist and lifting him off his feet. Todd laughed in surprise as Dirk spun him around in quick circles like they were in some stupid, cheesy movie. It was unironically kind of perfect.

When Todd was returned to the ground, he could see the way Dirk’s eyes sparkled with awe. “You did this. You _saved_ me. You literally brought me back from the _dead_.”

“I had lots of help.”

“I know, but it… it’s _you_ , Todd Brotzman. You really do have a substantial amount of love for me, don’t you?”

In a rush, Todd leaned up to peck Dirk’s lips, and while he didn’t miss Farah’s muttered “ _finally_ ” and Amanda’s quiet “ _yes!”_ he chose to ignore them.

“You have no idea,” he breathed, his heart pounding in his chest. “And you better stick around so I can show you exactly how much.”

Dirk pressed their foreheads together and tangled their hands once more. Todd shut his eyes, the soft brushes of Dirk’s skin bringing his tired body peace.  

“There is absolutely nothing I want more,” Dirk whispered.

\--


	14. I'll Be Right Beside You, Dear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter before the epilogue, and of course, I had to title it after the second half of the lovely lyrics I used for the title of my fic! <3

**September 28**

“Where will you go now?” Todd asked Amanda, outside the van where the Rowdies were hanging out, excitedly talking and drinking.

Amanda shrugged. “Well, before it was just wherever the road and universe took us while we searched for other people like them, but, you know, with those files we got from Jarrett…”

“You have more solid leads.”

“Yeah. And maybe some of these people will need help or a purpose or us to prepare them for whatever the hell the universe will throw at us later.”

“Do you still think something bad is coming?”

“Isn’t there always?”

Todd scoffed. “Seems that way.”

Amanda nudged him. “Hey, don’t worry about it too much now, dude. You got _Dirk_ back, that’s what matters.”

Todd’s gaze trailed over to where Dirk was standing, gesticulating wildly while talking to Farah and Analise on the front porch. “Yeah, you’re right.”

“ _Todd_ , you’re doing it again.”

“Doing what?”

“Looking all _smitten_ at him,” Amanda teased.

“Hey!” Todd protested, face unnaturally hot. “I have an excuse! We only just—“

“Dude, are you _blushing_? I know, I know, you _finally_ actually told him how you feel – _thank god_ – and he’s back now, so you have every reason to look love-struck literally every time you see him,” Amanda said, still looking far too pleased with herself.

Todd shoved at her and she started laughing. He didn’t have the willpower to stop himself from chuckling a little as well.

“Seriously though,” she continued, “I’m happy for you two. You deserve it.”

“Thanks, Amanda,” he said softly.

“But if you hurt him, I’ll have to hurt _you_.”

“That’s not fair, aren’t you supposed to be saying that to him about me?”

“Nope, no idea what you’re talking about.”

Todd shook his head. “You’re the worst.”

“I’m the best and you love me.”

“Fine, fine,” Todd said, opening his arms. “I love you.”

“Love you too,” she replied, returning the gesture and wrapping him in a hug. She lowered her voice to a whisper. “And I threatened him earlier.”

Todd laughed as they pulled apart. “I’m gonna miss you, sis.”

“’Course you will,” Amanda said and took a step back. “You two take good care of each other.”

“We will. Good luck with everything.”

“Thanks.” She winked. “You too!”

Todd rolled his eyes but waved nonetheless as she climbed into the van with the Rowdies. They were piled inside within seconds, Amanda waving from the driver’s side and Beast hung out the passenger’s yelling her goodbye to “Bibbit”.  Todd cringed inwardly at what her reaction would be if she knew he’d stolen away her self-proclaimed ‘boyfriend’. Hopefully, he’d never have to see it.  

Farah and Dirk were gone when Todd turned back to the porch, leaving only Analise behind, sipping at a lemonade and leaning against the railing. Todd went to sit next to her, pushing his full weight against the structure even as it creaked underneath him. 

“Hey, I, uh, before I go… thanks for everything you did,” Todd said, even if simple words would never do anything to express his gratitude. “I owe you. If you ever need us, we’ll be here as fast as we can, anywhere, anytime. Just… thank you.”

She smiled but didn’t brush the whole thing off this time. “You’re welcome, Todd.”

“Have you come up with a theory on how I was able to…?”

“To talk to Dirk while he was in-between?”

“Uh, yeah, that.”

“I still dunno, really. Maybe you’re a little holistic yourself, Todd Brotzman!” Analise chirped, giving him an ‘encouraging’ bump. “Seems like the most logical explanation!”

Todd grimaced. “I’m definitely not.”

“You sure?”

“Positive.”

“Fine, fine, okay,” she relented.

They sat in silence for a moment before Todd tentatively poked at the topic again. “Any other ideas?”

“It’s funny how yesterday, you wouldn’t stop for a second to let me consider what was going on and now you’re totally desperate for answers,” Ana pointed out.

“Yesterday was different. I-I could only focus on actually _getting_ to him then, but now, knowing I somehow got through to Dirk while he was dead… it’s not something I can just let go,” Todd said.

“I can’t blame you for that,” Ana agreed and went quiet with contemplation.

Her actual effort to come up with an answer only made him like her more.

“Oh!” She hopped excitedly on the spot, her eyes twinkling. “You two were _meant_ to know each other!”

Todd’s jaw dropped, brain swarming with confusion at the sudden repetition of a phrase Dirk had used on him over a year ago, soon after they had first met. “We— what?”

“You know!” she enthused. “You were written in the stars! Commanded by the cosmos! Literally made for each other – actual flesh and blood soulmates! The universe itself probably couldn’t keep the two of you apart if it wanted to. Even ‘death cannot stop true love’ and all of that!”

Ridiculously, Todd’s breath caught. “You mean, Dirk and I… we really…?”

“Don’t take it too seriously,” Ana warned, looking a little guilty. “It’s just a guess. A fun one. I’d just really like to believe in that sort of thing. It does seem like a deeper connection-type deal though, don’t you think?”

“Yeah,” he muttered, mind racing. “It does.”

“Hopefully you’ll figure out the truth someday, but if not, maybe it’s better to believe what you’d like to be true.”

Todd considered it. “Thanks, Ana.”

“No problem,” she said, then tilted her head towards her driveway where Farah was standing. “I think you’re being waited on. Better say goodbye.”

“Goodbye?”

“She mentioned she wanted to head to Bergsberg and I offered her a ride.”

“And she actually _agreed_?”

“After plenty of insistence that it was no trouble and that she shouldn’t waste the money on a taxi, yes.”

Yep. That sounded like Farah.

“I’ll see you around, Ana,” Todd said.

She smiled. “I hope so.”

Todd accepted the quick hug that she gave him and was only a _little_ ticked off when it made him notice that she was _slightly_ taller than him. After all, what was height when she’d saved the man he loved? About an extra inch on him was the least she deserved.

Todd hadn’t expected all the goodbyes, despite their insane mission coming to its most ideal close. But it wasn’t bittersweet, not by a longshot. Everyone was going back to the places they were meant to. Mona had disappeared – or just turned into something they could no longer identify – the previous night after cheerfully reuniting with Dirk; Amanda was off saving the world and would be back to visit them in Seattle soon enough; and he had a feeling that he’d be seeing Analise again, no matter how far off that was. As for Farah…

“So you’re heading to Bergsberg, huh?”

“Yeah. I thought I should let Tina and Hobbs in on what happened,” Farah explained. “They’ll probably want to know Dirk’s okay and the details of how this all went down.”

“You’re right.” Todd smirked. “Though I also think you just miss your girlfriend.”

“We’re— we’re not— well we _are_ , but it’s not like we’ve fully established the status of— Tina and I are friends, with—with feelings that I’m still sort of figuring out, which—“

“Watch out Farah, you’re starting to sound like me and Dirk.”

Farah’s face scrunched up as if he had delivered a great insult. “I’m— _we’re_ not that bad.”

“Are you sure, because sometimes the way you stare at her is, like, _so_ —“

“Todd,” she said, voice thick with warning. “Shut up.”

“Right, right, shutting up,” Todd surrendered, holding his hands up and only barely suppressing his giggles.

Farah shook her head, clearly trying to be annoyed even as the fondness on her face gave her away, and a comfortable silence fell between them.

“Hey Farah, uh… thanks,” Todd mumbled. “You helped to keep me sane and I… I couldn’t have done this without you and Amanda there.”

Farah shifted awkwardly. “Of course. You know I—I’m here for you. All the time. Whenever you need it.” The words were a little stilted and stiff, but the two of them had never been the best at fully expressing their emotions. Her effort was touching enough.

“I know,” he said, bumping their arms together in his best attempt at reassurance.

“I’m… really happy you never gave up,” she continued. “It’s good to have him back.”

“Yeah. Now we can go back to our fucked up version of normal.” One he had long since accepted and embraced as his life. Compared to the past month, their usual bizarre cases seemed like a vacation.

Farah scoffed and her eyes caught on something over his shoulder. Before he could see it for himself, she pulled him in close and he wrapped his arms around her in turn. “It looks like your ride is here. I’ll see you in a couple of weeks, Todd.”

“My…?”

Farah chuckled as she pulled back, gesturing behind him. Todd spun around to find Dirk clambering out of a striking red sports car. _What the hell…?_

Dirk shuffled over to Farah and pulled her into a short hug. “It was wonderful to see you again, Farah! Good luck with Tina. I think we’ve all had enough of your near constant pining.”

“Oh my god,” Farah exclaimed. “Don’t _you two_ talk to me about _pining_.”

Todd’s face burned. “Was it really _that_ obvious?”

“Oh yeah.”

“It wasn’t to me!” Dirk argued and, clearly having no shame, wrapped an arm around Todd’s waist, pulling him against his side. Todd eased into the position without thinking. “And look! We aren’t pining _anymore_!”

Farah rolled her eyes. “Clearly. You guys have fun with all your one-on-one time.”

“Not that I don’t love your company, but it is _very_ much appreciated,” Dirk said, waving at her with his free hand before turning himself and Todd around. “Come along, Todd! We’ve got places to be!”

Todd waved back at Farah, who returned the gesture amusedly before he focused back on Dirk. “ _Where_ did you get that car?”

“Ah, yes, that was Amanda and the Rowdy 3’s doing. Not exactly sure where they got it but they assured me whoever they took it from won’t be missing it.”

“Stolen. Right. _Sure_ , why not?”

Dirk disentangled them as they approached. “That’s the spirit. The universe _owes_ us a car after everything it’s put us through.”

“It owes us more than that,” Todd said bitterly.

“Well, certainly,” Dirk agreed, “but a car is a start, at least.”

“A start.” Todd nudged Dirk away from the driver’s side. “And I’m driving.”

“But, _Todd_ —“

“Nope, nope, don’t even argue with me. You will crash and get yourself killed and I am not—” He swallowed, pushed back his next words. “Just, let me drive, okay?”

Adept enough to catch the flicker of something far too terrified for such a situation in Todd, Dirk nodded and pressed a kiss to his cheek. “Alright, then. Get us home safe.”

\--

“Do you believe in soulmates?” Todd asked, not ten minutes later, eyes glued to the road in a not-so-subtle attempt to avoid Dirk’s reaction.

“Soulmates?” Dirk repeated. “That’s a rather random query, Todd.”

“Yeah, well, I was just wondering about some… stuff, and, I don’t know, it seems like something you might believe in. Everything is connected so everyone has someone they are connected to too?”

Todd’s grip on the steering wheel tightened as Dirk pondered it.

“Hm. Yes, I can see that,” Dirk said, voice sounding far off. “Every person being intrinsically linked to another, no matter their distance or differences or initial desires. An almost palpable tie that will drag them closer together even as life tries to tear them apart. But if it’s meant to be, then the universe will let it be. It’s nice. Though alternatively, it could be quite the wishful thinking from people who dread the idea of ending up alone, so they twist stories and ideas to delude themselves into believing they won’t. Why exactly are you wondering about this, Todd, if I may ask?”

“I was… I was wondering what would be strong enough to connect two people even beyond death.”

“What does— _oh_.”

The tension in the car doubled in an instant. Todd cleared his throat. “Yeah. The—the soulmates thing was Ana’s suggestion.”

“And… what do _you_ think about that suggestion?” Dirk reached, and Todd could feel the intensity of his gaze locked on him.

“I-I don’t know,” Todd answered.

Yes, that was a lie, and yes, it felt _terrible_ to lie to Dirk.

“So… you want to know what I think?” Dirk asked.

“Y-yeah.”

“Pull over, Todd.”

“What?”

“Pull over. I’m not telling you until you don’t have an excuse to avoid looking at me.”

_Shit._ It was almost disconcerting how well Dirk could read him. Todd glanced around the empty back road and pulled off onto the side, putting the car into park.

Todd removed his hands from the steering wheel, fiddling them in his lap as he lifted his gaze to meet Dirk’s – determined, but somehow remaining gentle and encouraging. Almost like he was saying with only his eyes, _“You don’t have to worry, I won’t think anything you say is silly. You can be open with me_ ” and it cracked at Todd’s resolve.

“How exactly did you find me there, the first time?” Dirk asked.

“I don’t know. Until I got back with Ana I thought the whole thing was some kind of dream. I kept seeing flashes of it, and then one night I was just… _there_.”

“Maybe the universe knew you were the only thing that could convince me to stay,” Dirk suggested and Todd’s heart skipped a beat.

God, he really had been about to leave. Todd had been _so close_ to losing him for good.

“Or maybe, this time, the universe had nothing to do with it,” Todd suggested, like it was an act of defiance.

“Doesn’t it always?”

“It doesn’t have to. I-I mean, when I was in there and I was looking for you, I knew where to go but it… it didn’t feel like the universe, Dirk. I didn’t… _relate_ it to that myself, and it wasn’t really how you described that… holistic feeling.”

“Then what was it like?”

“It was you,” Todd admitted, a little breathless. “Only you. Like you were calling out to me and leading me to where you were.”

“It would be nice,” Dirk said wistfully, “if that was all there was to it. You and me being a force that could rival the universe itself.”

“Maybe we are,” Todd argued in a rush, the words pouring out against his better judgement. “Maybe it _started_ as the universe making us this way. Making us _for_ each other. But if it did, it can’t control whatever this is. It doesn’t control us, and I think together we… we’re more powerful than it.”

Dirk’s mouth twitched up into a slow smile, one of the most genuine Todd had ever seen grace his face. His features had softened, and he was practically sparkling with such all-consuming love that it was almost too much. He held out a hand and Todd slipped his own in it. There was always something so _right_ about how their fingers linked together.

“I think you’re right,” Dirk said. “Or, at least, I’d like you to be. And… yes.”

“Yes, what?”

“Yes, I believe in soulmates.”

Todd’s pulse quickened, his lips working up into a hesitant smile. “You do?”

“I do now,” Dirk breathed, everything Todd needed to see written all over his face.

Todd didn’t think he could be blamed for how he jumped to lean over the console separating them and kissed Dirk firmly on his lips. The position was less than ideal, but when Dirk opened his mouth to him and he hummed at the contact, all thoughts of comfort were tossed out the window. Todd’s eyes slipped closed and he lost himself to the warmth, the light beginnings of touch between their tongues, and how Dirk’s hands came to cup his face as their lips moved together. It was all so much better than he could have imagined, and he was lucky, _so goddamn lucky_ , to have this. To have _Dirk_.

As they pulled back, they remained close enough that their quick breaths mangled together and Dirk had begun to brush his thumbs in a soothing manner across the edges of Todd’s cheekbones. Todd’s eyes reopened slowly and Dirk seemed to become lost as he stared into them.

“What?” Todd whispered.

“It’s just… Farah told me some of what happened while I was gone. How you went and found Jarrett and what you… very nearly did.”

“Oh,” Todd mumbled and moved to pull away, but Dirk held him firmly in place.

“I think I would have understood,” Dirk said, “if you pulled the trigger and killed Jarrett and the rest of those horrible people yourself.”

“You would’ve?”

“Yes, but… I’m glad you didn’t.”

“Do you really think it would have made much of a difference? Who did it? If... _I_ did it? Would that have changed anything?”

“Not the way I feel,” Dirk assured him. “Although it would have made me sad because… that’s not who _you are_ , Todd, and you know it.” One of Dirk’s hands rose up next to his eye and brushed away a piece of hair before making a gentle path back down the side of his face. “I’ve heard there’s a certain darkness that lingers in the eyes of people who have killed someone or committed an otherwise terrible act that alters what’s in their souls. But this is still you, exactly as I remember, and I’m grateful for that. If and when you change, it should most certainly be for the better, not the worse.”

Todd nodded and a weight he hadn’t realized had been there lifted from his shoulders. He didn’t know if it was present due to his anxieties about what Dirk would say or because he was still debating whether leaving Dirk’s killers to Bart was the right call. Neither should have been an issue.

“Would it be strange of me to say that I’m proud of you?” Dirk asked.

Todd laughed. “It would be _far_ from the strangest thing you’ve said to me.”

“Then, I’m proud of you,” he declared.

Todd pressed another kiss to Dirk’s lips, feather light and layered in a meaning Todd couldn’t find the words to fully express. It was something like a deep-rooted “ _thank you_ ” and an ever-present “ _I’m glad you’re with me_ ”. Dirk seemed to get the message.

\--

Arriving home after everything that had happened was… weird. A good weird, but weird.

Their apartment was no longer the lifeless shell it had been when Dirk was gone, yet a subtle difference remained, fizzling in the air from the instance they’d stepped through the door. Todd had expected to breathe a sigh of relief and mutter, “ _home_ ” as everything aligned into place. Instead, that sensation fluttered in him as Dirk squeezed his hand and smiled at him gratefully.

“I’ve missed this,” he said.

“During all that time were you… did time pass normally?” Todd asked. “What was it like?”

“Strange. I was at least semi-aware of being there, but never _fully_ … it’s not exactly easy to explain. I only know it was a long time, and I missed our apartment, but more so I missed _you_. I was very lonely, I think, and I don’t want to be lonely anymore.”

Todd swallowed a lump in his throat. “Me neither.”

Dirk yanked on Todd’s hand, guiding him past their living area and kitchen and towards what was previously his bedroom. “So we’re agreed. No more loneliness for either of us. Now how about we go to our bed and cuddle for the rest of the day?”

“ _Our_ bed?”

“Yes. I mean, surely you don’t want your tiny bedroom with its uncomfortable _single_ bed when you could share my _nice_ bedroom with my fluffy _double_ bed.”

Todd smirked. “As long as you’re sure. There are no take backs.”

“Oh, I’m counting on that, love.”

Todd tugged Dirk onwards, hoping he didn’t notice how he flushed at the continued use of the pet names. It’s not that he _liked_ them, he just…

Okay, he liked them. A lot. But there’s no way he was going to admit it.

Chuckling quietly, Dirk followed him into the bedroom where they flopped on the bed and found continued peace in each other’s arms.

\--  
**September 29**

_There was blood on Todd’s hands, dripping from his fingers and tainting the hard ground beneath him. It was not where this blood belonged, it couldn’t be here again. He pressed against Dirk’s wound as if that would stop the profuse bleeding this time when it hadn’t the last. Dirk’s eyes were only barely opened, bleary and drained almost completely of their light._

_“Please, hold on,” Todd begged. “Not again. Please, not again.”_

_“This is… your fault, Todd,” Dirk said raggedly. “I thought… you were supposed to… protect me.”_

_“I am. I **will** ,” Todd promised, tears dripping down his cheeks as he pressed down hard against the sickeningly warm liquid oozing past his fingers. _

_“You can’t,” Dirk breathed._

_Before Todd could further voice his pleas and arguments, his hands slipped to the floor, Dirk disappearing from beneath him. The floor was stained with red, only it had dried, like it had been weeks since Dirk had been here. It had been **so long**. _

_“Dirk,” Todd choked out._

_He was gone. He was gone again, and Todd couldn’t reach him, couldn’t save him, he—_

Todd awoke with a shuddering sob, tired eyes shooting opened as he gasped erratically. Forcing his shaky limbs into an upright position, he analyzed his surroundings. Dirk’s room. Their bed. They had come here together, and Dirk was— where was Dirk?

Dirk’s side of the bed was empty and cold, with no wrinkles in the sheets indicating his shape. It was as if he had never been there at all, and maybe… maybe he _hadn’t_. Was saving him all a dream? It— it must have been. Dirk had died, right in front of Todd’s eyes, he… he knew that his resurrection was all too good to be true. He was trapped, locked in a world without him and he had to— god how would he move on?

He wailed, hands covering his eyes and pulling at the tips of his hair. His chest was tight, breaths not leaving him correctly. He wasn’t getting enough air, he couldn’t think, couldn’t _breathe_. It was like a pararibulitis attack, only worse. God, this was _so much worse_.

He vaguely registered a quiet voice from across the room over his sobs. “Todd? Oh god, _Todd_...”

A hallucination, it had to be a hallucination. He was—he couldn’t be—

Strong hands gripped onto Todd’s shoulders, pulling him back to reality, grounding him to the earth. He lowered his own hands slowly, blinking his watery eyes and focusing in on who was sitting next to him. Sure enough, he hadn’t misheard.

“D-Dirk?” Todd wheezed. He’d been wrong, he’d actually been—

Todd flung himself at Dirk, burying his face against his chest and encircling his arms around his middle. When he had a better grip on his surroundings and what exactly had occurred, he may be embarrassed by how much of a wreck he’d been, still crying and struggling to breathe as he clung with great strength to Dirk, but at the moment his very bones were too overcome with _relief_ to care.

“Shh, _shh_ , you’re panicking,” Dirk soothed. “Just, shit— focus on breathing. Follow what I’m doing, in and out…”

Todd nodded, trying to imitate the way Dirk’s chest fluctuated, and finding that more than the actual breathing technique, he was concentrating on Dirk’s heart. He could hear it clearly with his ear pressed against Dirk, beating fast and indicating that he was okay, he was _alive_. Todd continued to listen, using the organ’s functionality to bring his own breathing back to a steady pace. Air filled his lungs and his throat felt dry. If he were wise, he would have excused himself to grab a glass of water, but he wasn’t wise, he was a mess, and the only thing he really needed was to stay in his secured position in Dirk’s arms. Dirk’s hold was snug and his gentle caresses grounded him.

“Yes, that’s it, darling… that’s it,” Dirk encouraged. “It’s all okay.’

“You— where did you go?” Todd asked in a hoarse voice. “I-I thought…”

“No, no, no, don’t worry. I just got up to use the bathroom and got a little distracted reminiscing, but I’m back now, I’m _right here_.”

“Y-yeah, you’re… you’re here,” Todd said, feeling rather pathetic as he pulled away and wiped at his eyes with the sleeves of his sleep shirt. “God, sorry, I just—“

“Don’t you apologize, Todd. It’s— it’s my fault, I shouldn’t have...” Dirk sighed, looking utterly devastated when he brought Todd tightly against him once again, blessedly allowing Todd to continue his clinging. “It’s going to be okay now.”

Dirk didn’t pull away until Todd had fully calmed down, memories catching up with him and his grip on reality renewed. Even then, it was only for about a minute; the time it took for him to rush to the kitchen, fill a glass of water for Todd and return to the bedroom, plopping on the bed next to him and allowing him to rest against his side as he tentatively sipped at the drink.

“How are you feeling?” Dirk asked, arm gripped around Todd in a protective matter that he didn’t want to admit was necessary.

“Better,” he replied.

“Good, that’s good. Do you… want to talk about it?”

Todd winced. “Not really, but…”

“But…?”

“Can you promise me something?”

“Anything.”

“Never again, okay?” Todd begged, eyes catching Dirk’s. “Please, just… you can’t die again. I-I can’t do it, you can’t _leave me_.”

“Was it really as terrible as you are implying?” Dirk asked quietly. “Living without me?”

Todd laughed bitterly. “Worse. You… god, I can’t believe you did that. Why did you have to make that stupid sacrifice play?”

“There was no other way.”

“There’s always another way! You just had to look harder or— or, I don’t know, do anything that wasn’t flat out self-sacrifice!”

“I’m sorry, I... I knew what it would do to you when I gave myself up and maybe it was selfish, but I… I didn’t want to risk anything because it was _you_ on the line. I couldn’t leave you there to die. I wouldn’t take it back either, because you—you made it out, you’re still alive _now_. If I’d lost you, I… I would have died too.”

“N-no, are you stupid?! You would have survived! You’d have been alive and safe and not—not—“

“ _Todd_ , listen to me: in every way it mattered, I would have died.”

“What and you don’t— you don’t think that goes both ways? I— god, I just _told you_! I’ve _been_ telling you! Maybe one day I would have moved on, done what you wanted me to do with my life by running your agency or whatever, but it would never have been the same. _Nothing_ was the same without you. I felt… god, I felt so lost without you, Dirk. I just… I can’t do it again. Don’t make me do it again.”

Dirk swallowed; his misty gaze all heartbreak and determination. “I won’t. I’m never going to leave you again, I promise.” 

Part of Todd wanted to collapse in relief; the other was not fully convinced. “If I’m ever threatened like that again, you have to find another way. You can’t throw your life away for me.”

“But I—“

“I-I know, just… _any_ other way. And if that way goes sour, it’s okay, because if I died then I would die knowing you tried your best and that would be enough.”

Dirk sighed and nuzzled against him. “Not for me.”

“I know.”

“You realize I’ll only agree to such a promise if you promise to do the same in return? If for whatever reason it’s down to sacrificing yourself or trying a different route.”

Todd let out a shaky breath. It was one thing making Dirk promise it and quite another to imagine a similar scenario as the one they’d been caught in and not going with the most obvious route of protecting Dirk himself. But if that’s what it took, if they could just avoid all extreme danger and stick it out...

“I promise,” Todd said.

“Then, I promise, too,” Dirk agreed. “But I… I hope it never comes to something like that again.”

“Me too.” Todd hesitated, spinning words around in his mind before forcing them out. “You owe me a forever after all of this.”

Dirk’s lips curved up just slightly. “I know, and it’ll be the easiest thing in the world to give to you.”

\--

**October 3**

After that incident, their days passed with relative ease. They had no trouble avoiding the rest of the world and basking in their time with each other – ordering in takeout, lying in bed, listening to music, watching television, the most mundane and wonderful of things. Kissing was the exciting added addition and they took advantage of it, embracing their new romantic relationship with open arms. Why Todd hadn’t sucked it up and admitted his feelings to himself and to Dirk far sooner, he could no longer remember. 

“ _Ugh_ , not this show again,” Todd complained, flicking past the channel with the remote. He didn’t think he could sit through another dumb reality show that Dirk insisted was amusing.

“Oh, come on, it’s not so bad,” Dirk argued. His head was rested on Todd’s lap and Todd had been lazily running his fingers through his hair, content on focusing on that rather than which stuck-up morons were winning the dumb competitions.

“Afternoon television is terrible,” Todd laminated.

“I think we’ve both seen worse things than the silly reruns of… whatever nonsense we were watching, Todd.”

“Mm, I’m not so sure.”

Dirk scoffed and Todd couldn’t quite control his smile. He continued to riffle through the channels, looking for something vaguely entertaining for them to waste their time on.

“How about ice cream?” Dirk blurted out.

“Huh? What are you—?”

Dirk sat up, much to the dismay of Todd. “Ice cream. Forget the telly, I… I told you once everything was over – back when— well… it became this sort of fantasy of mine. Back at the safe house.”

“Oh.”

“I-I was thinking it could be a date.”

“Like… an actual, proper date?”

“I was thinking so. We can truly commence this whole thing in the typical way that most couples do! It can be a _normal_ thing!”

“Dirk, I think we kind of bypassed normal relationship standards after I brought you back from the dead—“

“Well, that—“

“—because I loved you so much.” Todd finished.

Dirk flushed. “Y-yes, I suppose most couples going on a first date haven’t already confessed their love and are… living together.”

“Nope.”

Dirk frowned, which only caused Todd to laugh and press a kiss between his furrowing brows. “Hey, _we_ aren’t normal and I’m okay with that, really. I’d still love to go on that date with you.”

The rate at which Dirk brightened must have been some kind of record. “You _would_?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“Oh, brilliant! In that case, who needs normalcy?”

They were beaming and rapt with laughter as they stumbled out the door together.

\--

Their favourite ice cream parlour was a mere ten-minute walk from their apartment, and within twenty minutes, they were approaching a nearby park with two cones in hand.

“So, what’s the verdict?” Todd asked as Dirk’s tongue licked his mint chocolate chip with hesitancy.

Dirk smacked his lips together, staring at the cone with the kind of intensity he usually reserved for when he was on the cusp of a breakthrough for a case. “It’s… hmm.”

He licked it again, this time actually putting an effort into tasting it. Todd stared on in amusement, taking small bites of the birthday cake flavour Dirk insisted he try. It was covered in sprinkles and not at all for him, but…

Dirk’s nose wrinkled. “The chocolate bits are fine and the mint on its own is alright, but there is just something so _wrong_ about this flavour, Todd. I can’t place it. I…”

“You hate it.”

“I-I wouldn’t say _hate_ it—“

“Do you want to switch?”

“Oh, yes please!”

Todd laughed when Dirk shoved the mint chocolate chip cone in his face and offered Dirk the weird cake flavour in return. It was nice of Dirk to be open to trying his favourite ice cream again, but Todd had figured this would be the inevitable outcome.

Dirk’s face was lit up like a child as he munched away at the treat. “See, now _this_ is good ice cream!”

Todd rolled his eyes. “Sure, whatever you say.”

“Wait, did you not like it?!”

“You didn’t like my kind.”

“But— but my kind has _sprinkles_ , Todd! How can you not like sprinkles?”

Todd shrugged and Dirk shook his head as if he were completely scandalized by this. “ _Unbelievable_. My own boyfriend!”

Todd blinked, heart stuttering at the use of the term. They’d never exactly discussed labels, but he couldn’t find himself objecting to it. His gaze darted from Dirk’s, focusing on his ice cream while his face warmed.

“Why are you _smiling_?” Dirk accused, a playful note in his tone.

Todd tried to compose himself. “Smiling? Me? Never.”

“You _are_!” Dirk exclaimed. “And blushing! Oh, you are _adorable_!”

“Shut up,” Todd said, nudging Dirk lightly with his shoulder.

Dirk laughed. “Nope!”

There was an added bounce to Dirk’s step as they stepped onto the artificial grass of the park and Todd was happy to accept when Dirk [tangled their free hands together](https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1888/43219983275_9562a2453f_b.jpg) and swung them back and forth.

“There’s a nice spot at the top of that hill where we could sit.” Todd indicated it with his chin. “We could probably get a good view of the sunset from there too.”

“You… want to watch the sunset together?”

“Sure, why not?”

It was Dirk’s turn to go red. “O-oh, yes, of course, I mean, it’s— I’d loved that. It’s… romantic.”

Todd grinned. “Now who’s the adorable one?”

“I would hope the answer is me.”  

“Mm, I’d say so.”

Dirk’s sappy smile was a little distracting and Todd’s elevated to equally ridiculous levels when he caught Dirk’s next murmured words. _“Did it! Best. First date. Ever.”_

\--  
**October 5**

It wasn’t surprising that one of Todd’s favourite places to be with Dirk was in bed, especially when they were in a position like their current one. Dirk hovered over Todd, hands running down his sides as he pressed close, their lips moving together and an overpowering heat building up between them. Todd’s hands were on Dirk’s face, then running over his shoulders while his tongue edged into Dirk’s mouth and quiet gasps and moans filled the air.

Todd hardly noticed Dirk’s hand trailing lower, over his thigh, until it rested over Todd’s still sensitive skin. His hiss at the contact was more out of surprise than anything, but Dirk’s uptake was immediate. He put a few inches of space between them and blinked concernedly.

“Are you alright?” he asked. He sat on his knees, dragging Todd up with him, and his hand went further under the lower cloth of Todd’s boxers, fingers light in their touch of his mostly healed wound. “Is it hurting?”

The previously closed injury was still hypersensitive, Dirk’s careful and comforting tracing of the scarred skin practically vibrating through his whole body. It was weird, and in a strange way, kind of nice. Though Todd doubted anybody but Dirk touching it would hold the same effect.

“Not really. It’s kind of shocking for it to be touched, but not in a bad way or anything,” Todd explained. “It acts up kinda painfully sometimes, but it’s okay. I’m okay.”

Dirk frowned. “I’m sorry. I didn’t expect for him to shoot you. I wish I could have stopped it.”

Todd rested his hand over Dirk’s.  “It’s okay. Jarrett was a _maniac_. There wasn’t much you could’ve done to stop it.”

“Will it… fully heal?” Dirk asked.

“Uh… mostly. It’ll mostly heal.”

Dirk’s face shifted into horror and _guilt_. “ _Mostly_?”

“It’ll never be… quite the same as it was, but it’s just another one of those things I’m going to have to deal with, y’know?” Todd shrugged nonchalantly; like it didn’t bother him to have a permanent reminder of that day dug into his skin.

Dirk released a shaky sigh. “That’s not fair. I hate it.”

“I do too,” Todd admitted. “But I’m _here_ and so are you, right? We can deal with one little scar together.”

“Strange that you would mention _one_ scar, as there is a singular funny thing about this whole situation,” Dirk said, moving Todd’s hand to rest over his own thigh – the opposite of Todd’s – where raised skin indicated a scar of his own. “We match.”

Todd choked out a laugh. “God, that is morbid. This type of shit would happen to us, wouldn’t it? It’s like matching tattoos, but _worse_.”

If they pressed next to each other, their scars would probably be close enough to touch naturally. A dark part of him wanted to make a joke about how “ _everything was connected_ ”.

“You still have all your scars, then?” Todd pressed instead. “Your body didn’t, like, _heal_ when you came back?”

Dirk shook his head. “Unfortunately, no. Every single one is woefully accounted for.”

Todd’s gaze dropped to Dirk’s stomach and nausea crept up his throat. “So, do you have… a new one now?”

Dirk hesitated and Todd could see the inner turmoil by how his expression rapidly changed. He didn’t speak, only redirected his hands to the buttons of his shirt and undid them, one at a time. He slipped it off and Todd was engrossed as he removed his tank top as well, leaving him topless. The thrill of Dirk removing his clothes was cut to its predictably horrific outcome when Todd caught sight of the gash on his chest. It was as he expected, deep, marred skin where Jarrett’s knife had entered, yet seeing it for real…

Todd reached out to touch it, his fingers dancing feather light on its edges, as if putting any pressure on it may cause a painful flare-up. He heard Dirk’s breath catch, just slightly.

“I’m sorry,” Todd said, pushing the words from his constricting throat.

“None of this is your fault, Todd,” Dirk stressed, voice so earnest that Todd found himself squeezing his eyes shut to regain whatever composure he possessed.

On a strange impulse, Todd removed his fingers and leaned downward in order to press a soft kiss against the scar, as if that would somehow make it all go away. A choked sound escaped Dirk and he yanked Todd’s face up, capturing their lips once again. The contact, heavy with the outpour of emotions they both had trouble fully expressing, seemed more powerful than ever before.

“I love you,” Dirk breathed, the hot air grazing Todd’s cheeks. “ _I love you.”_

“I love you, too,” Todd said and tried to hide his wavering voice by bringing them back to their kisses.

They were quick to get back into the groove of things and a new layer of tension had been added to their atmosphere. It was like another curtain had been pulled aside and there was no longer anything holding either of them back. They were scarred and haunted by traumatic memories, clawing their way back to some semblance of peace and hope, using only each other as their much-needed life support. And somehow, that felt like enough.

Todd’s hands traced up Dirk’s arms, over his shoulders, and to cup his face. His fingers ran strands of Dirk’s hair between them and trailed across his scalp. Dirk was humming with pleasure, his own hands skating over Todd’s back as he guided him backwards against their pillows. He pushed underneath Todd’s t-shirt, and Todd gasped at the sensation of his cool skin.

“Do you want to,” Dirk asked between kisses, “take this off?”

_“God, yes.”_

Todd was quick to shuck off his shirt, tossing it somewhere across their bedroom and not really caring if it ever resurfaced again. He surged to reconnect their lips, deepening their kiss by working his tongue into Dirk’s mouth. Dirk moaned and did a surprisingly great job of keeping up on his end, his tongue shortly brought into the equation and his grip tightening around Todd’s bare waist. Todd was _gone_ , too lost in the push and pull to stop his embarrassing array of whines. Dirk enjoyed the reaction far too much if the upturn of his mouth was any indicator.

God, _where_ and _how_ did Dirk get so good at this?

Todd’s legs wrapped around Dirk’s body, pulling him down so they were flush against each other. His nerves were igniting with each drag of Dirk’s gentle fingertips and heat billowed through him, travelling lower with each subtle thrust of their hips. It wasn’t long before they were working on their pant buckles and helping each other peel the garment off their legs, leaving them in only boxers. Almost _nothing_ separated them now.

They were building up to something and Todd raced full throttle towards it, breathing rapid and heart racing so wildly Dirk could surely feel it against his chest as powerfully as Todd could feel his. Todd loosely gripped Dirk’s ass, only a tight piece of cloth distancing him from the real thing. Dirk retaliated with fingers dipping just past the waistband of Todd’s boxers.

“Dirk…” Todd begged, sounding needier than he was strictly comfortable with.

“ _Yes._ I’m here, I’m here, Todd. Tell me what you need.”

“I-I need you closer.”

“How much?” Dirk asked, kisses light and fingers stuck firmly in place. “What should we do?”

“Anything. _Everything_.”

Dirk laughed breathlessly. “Sounds wonderful, darling. Though a little more… _direction_ might be ideal. I’ve never exactly done this before.”

Todd swallowed. Right. No rushing stupidly into things. This was _Dirk_ , and _them_ , and it needed to be as perfect as he could make it. “I… I want to be with you. Have sex with you. Hands, fingers, uh, you inside me, whatever. If you, uhm, also want to do this, obviously. It’s not like a full need or anything, there’s no hurry if you—“

Dirk effectively shut him up with a kiss. “No, no, I do. God, Todd, I’d _love_ to have sex with you. You have no idea how much.”

“I think I do, actually.”

“Mm, whatever the case, I still…” He ran fingertips up and down Todd’s exposed hips. “I want this.”

“Good,” Todd said, using his legs to draw Dirk even closer, “because we have all night to explore our options.”

And maybe the next night, too, and every other night for the rest of their lives, if they wanted. Todd’s chest was exceptionally light as they finished undressing, laying bare and vulnerable before one another. The future stretched before them, bright and renewed; and for the first time, safe, happy, and whole in Dirk’s arms, Todd was ready to face it.

\--


	15. Epilogue

Dying for someone could be a noble act, something born out of a selfless desire to see a loved one protected and enjoying the full life they deserved. It could also cause immeasurable pain and be selfish, done out of desperation to not live on in shades of gray without the person who brought light.

Dirk Gently believed he fell under both categories when he took the time to contemplate his decision and the ripple of impact it had caused. This wasn’t often, because there was something far better for him to be occupied with.

Living with someone and _for_ someone was so much more joyously fulfilling than self-sacrifice.

While it was true one’s life didn’t revolve around a single person, Dirk found that even if everything in the universe was crumbling to pieces, as long as he had Todd Brotzman, he’d be able to keep fighting. Todd brought him peace and happiness, and he would not willingly give up what they had built together for anything. They protected each other, and their promise to hold on and stick everything out with help panned out as well as could be expected as the months sped by.

Not everything was perfect. It had taken Todd a while to adjust to Dirk going out on his own, paranoia and desperation holding him back. It had caused an argument that was not their first and would not be their last, but in the end, Todd had conceded and they had made up. They would _always_ make up and compromise and work past whatever problems they were dealing with because no issue was too big for them to push through together.

And what they were working for was something brilliant. It was days with smiles that lit up rooms and evenings with hands curled around backs. It was the date night they promised they’d continue with every week, even when the insanity of cases sucked up their time. It was kisses that lasted only a moment or dragged on until neither could properly breathe. It was safety and home and _promise_ ; everything Dirk had dreamed of having but believed he would never obtain.

It was either a miracle they’d managed to cross paths or they were a constant that fate had always planned. The idea had a great appeal from the instant Todd suggested it, hesitancy and hope lighting up his hypnotic blue eyes, and Dirk would always hope for it. He even believed it _wholly_ when they had a conversation with a single look and when he pressed up against Todd and somehow all their jagged pieces clicked together effortlessly. Though in the end, it didn’t matter what exactly had sent them crashing into each other’s lives, only that they were _there_ and it was _permanent_.

Each time Todd’s gaze caught his own and something soft and sincere passed between them, Dirk knew that there was nothing and no one he ever wanted more.

And he would prove it.

\--  
**_September 27  
One year later._**

“You ready?” Todd asked, popping his head into the bathroom where Dirk was facing the mirror and hastily messing with his hair.

“Almost!” Dirk insisted, still trying to fix it because of course _this_ was the day it decided to not behave as he intended it to. The _one day_ he needed it to look nothing short of utter perfection.

Todd snorted and reached up to wrestle with Dirk’s hair himself, not relenting when Dirk squawked and tried to swat his hands away.

“There,” Todd declared, “it’s fine. Stop that.”

“’Fine’, Todd? _‘Fine’_ is hardly a state I can accept when— _mmph_!”

His long-winded speech about always looking his best didn’t have a chance to leave his lips as Todd’s very rudely blocked their way. Not that it was an interruption he would protest, which Todd, of course, was all too aware of.

“Enough. You look good already,” Todd assured him.

“Not nearly as good as _you_ , darling,” Dirk threw back.

Todd’s cheeks burned red. _Success._ “Shut up. You don’t need to flatter me when you’re already taking me out.”

“Is it still considered flattery when it is a completely accurate statement?”

“Yes, just— stop that. Can we leave now?”

“We can.”

“Where are we going, anyway?”

“I’ve told you. It’s a surprise.”

“Right, but it’s the _day_ of the surprise now. Doesn’t that mean you can tell me?”

“Nope, sorry! You’ll have to be a little more patient! But don’t worry, I think you’re going to like this one.”

After all, Todd was the one who wanted him to promise he’d stay, and he’d found the perfect way to convey those intentions.

Dirk held out his hand. “So, are _you_ ready?”

“Have been for, like, half an hour,” Todd complained with a roll of his eyes.

Nonetheless, Todd’s hand slipped into his and his lips curved into a tiny smile. Dirk was sure to make his answering grin as bright as Todd would expect, burying every trace of the nervousness bubbling inside him. He led Todd out of the room, his other hand slipping into his pocket all the while, turning a tiny jewellery box over in his fingers.

_Yes,_ Dirk thought, _this will let him know. Forever’s well within our reach now._

\--

**_The End._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW. So this is it everyone! 
> 
> If you read this whole thing, I'd like to give a MASSIVE THANK YOU to you! It really means a lot and I hope you'll write a comment with your thoughts on the fic! <3
> 
> Check me out at [Superhiro](http://superhiro.tumblr.com) on tumblr if you want to yell at me for this fic or want to scream about DGHDA and Brotzly~


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